SOBORNOST

Liam moment

2012-01-25T13:07:00.003-05:00

this wee boy was brought to me for prayer this morning -
not quite two, adopted from Vietnam -
Liam was born with a myriad of medical problems
causing his mom to abandon him at birth ..........
$20,000 later, Liam has been chosen by his new parents -
he faces years of reconstructive surgery
which will be terribly painful for him ........
yet, there is so much life
so much joy
in this little body -
he and I giggled together for 2 hours

unable to hold anything with his upside down hands
he nevertheless held my heart easily

unable to crawl or walk because of his dislocated hips
he nevertheless moved deep inside me

unable to hug because of his inside out shoulders
he nevertheless wrapped me in love

and I am changed
because of these Liam moments

whisper moment

2012-01-17T14:16:00.003-05:00

it is a precious wonder to me
that in the midst of the storm of words
the lashing wind of the diagnosis
the ice pellets of the facts

I could hear
His holy whisper

do not be afraid
it is I

just as He walks on the waves
we are called to do so
and not be afraid

just be sure to wait for His

"come"

gift moments

2012-01-14T14:10:00.004-05:00

the warmth of a sun blanket
slipping through my window

slow bubbling of a making pot of soup

sweetness of yeast in rising bread

silent song of a burning wick

fluffy socks

resolve moment

2012-01-14T10:43:00.002-05:00

so, here I am
half way through the first month
of this new year
thinking about all that this year could hold

thinking about how to approach
all that each day will unfold

in the awareness
there will be the good
and the not so good

after all
that is the way life is

thinking about how the not so good
can only shape my days
if I allow it to do so

and suddenly
there was a not so good

until that moment
this day
this Saturday mid January
was filled with possibilities
that could be found in the midst of the Saturday chores

the moment
of the not so good
altered everything

leaving only chores
to be done heavily
because of an aching heart

so I sat by the window
coffee cup in hand
trying to find my way back to the possibilities

the sun is brilliant on this frigid day

diamonds are in the fresh snow

icy fingers of the trees flash back and forth
in their dance with the wind

a cardinal's red against the white

warm slippers

steam slowly curling upwards from my cup

the discovery of the gift of these moments
is my resolution for this year

to ensure the rhythm of my life
leaves room for me to see
gifts from God
in each moment

finding Him in each moment

and allowing that finding
to shape my days

candle moment

2012-01-13T15:23:00.001-05:00

a candle consumes itself when lit
yet loses nothing of itself
when lighting another

Michael moment

2012-01-12T08:57:00.002-05:00

and so
another year has come
and another year has gone

and forty-three years ago
this very day
Michael took his first breath

gave his first cry

and never again felt the warmth
the skin
of his mother
this woman who chose to give him life

forty-three years ago
my arms first felt the warmth of Michael
the skin of Michael

it was my neck that felt the nuzzle of his wee head

my being that was filled with the sweetness of his being

I loved loving him

and a piece of me died four months later
when he left my arms
for the arms of another

and this day
the day of his birth
I wonder about him
in my continual missing of him

is he loved
is he loving

is he well
is he content

there remains a Michael-sized hole in me
flowers of thankfulness for him
grow around the hole
but there remains this hole

Michael
where ever you are
what ever you are doing
I am thinking of you
and missing you
and loving you

seek moment

2012-01-10T15:57:00.000-05:00

why is it
we seek to be filled
by a world
that is starving

laundry moments

2012-01-08T13:36:00.002-05:00

this morning I decided to tackle the pile of laundry
that had been accumulating - I carefully took the time
to separate darks from lights checking each pocket
for anything that should not be there -
only to discover after the dark wash
while removing the clothes from the machine
there were tons of little white pieces of fluff
sticking to absolutely everything -
obviously a kleenex had hidden itself in a deep recess
of a pocket or fold ................

made me think of the body of Christ
how a deeply hidden secret sin in one
infects and affects absolutely everyone in the community

spousal moment

2012-01-06T16:19:00.000-05:00

the church wants to feel able to explain about her spouse

even when she has lost sight of him;

even when, although she has not been divorced,

she no longer knows his embrace,

because curiosity has gotten the better of her

and she has gone searching for other people

and other things.

Carlo Carretto

willing moment

2012-01-06T09:09:00.000-05:00

are we willing to leave the familiar and seek, find and encounter God in unlikely ways and in unlikely places – will there be moments when we are unsatisfied hearing about others encounters with God and their reports are not enough – when we want to see and experience Him for ourselves - open up a new kind of journey—one that is alive with the possibility of encountering the mystery of Christ in the unlikely places of our own lives

everyone moment

2011-12-19T16:16:00.001-05:00

imagine
loving everybody
while not being unfaithful
to anyone

kiss moment

2011-12-18T15:56:00.001-05:00

there is the kiss of presence
that is so sweet
so tender
so healing
so freeing
so powerful
so easy to receive
and yet so rarely given

home moment

2011-12-17T17:01:00.002-05:00

there are some who draw near the house
but who are never home
and others who are always around the house
but never home

touch moment

2011-12-14T16:27:00.002-05:00

"and our hands have touched"
1 John 1:1

Jesus
God on earth
touched by human hands
handled
gazed upon

reveal moment

2011-12-06T09:06:00.001-05:00

to love someone is not to do things for them
but to reveal to them their beauty and value
to say to them through our attitude
you are beautiful
you are important
I trust you
you can trust yourself

friendship moment

2011-12-05T15:18:00.001-05:00

unless we are open to the gift of friendship
allowing ourselves to be loved
and to really love in return
only then can we know what it might be
to have God love us
and to love God

the experience of love
is the only teacher of love

love moment

2011-11-28T09:54:00.001-05:00

I have only such a small portion of time
in which to love
and be loved .........

owning moment

2011-11-19T10:44:00.003-05:00

owning our story can be hard
but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it

embracing our vulnerabilities is risky
but not nearly as dangerous as giving up
on love
and belonging
and joy
the experiences that make us the most vulnerable

only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness
will we discover the infinite power of our life

Brene Brown

cancer moment

2011-11-12T08:38:00.003-05:00

I spent yesterday afternoon with a friend
who has been diagnosed with breast cancer

she quite quickly after the diagnosis
decided not to have surgery or any conventional treatment
and instead went to some centre in Arizona
that teaches about the correlation between diet and disease ...........

after 3 weeks there
my friend came back
armed with tons of literature
and a strong determination
to rigidly follow this new way of eating ............

this was in August

yesterday I spent time with the shell of my friend
she has now lost 30 pounds and was very thin to begin with -
her color is grey
her hair is limp
her eyes are dull
and she is listless
but she still believes this is the journey God has laid out before her ...........

I shared "the question" with her
and she was rocked .......

I asked her if she was at peace
or simply worn out
and she was unable to find an answer

everything within me believes she is dying
and I am not sure this is God's will for her at this time ....

do I speak
do I stay quiet

is staying quiet loving her
is speaking loving her

sometimes
or perhaps really most times
it is hard to figure out what this thing called love is
and how to do it

sometimes too it is hard to simply receive it

supply moment

2011-11-03T09:41:00.001-04:00

the supply of bread
the fullness of the Spirit
comes on the other side of midnight

ashamed moment

2011-10-31T19:33:00.003-04:00

just yesterday
I finished reading the autobiography
of one of my heroes -

I wept my way through every page .......

every page that is filled with the tender sharp edge of reality -

this lovely gentle man
who has helped countless others
find peace
acceptance
love

to learn how to love
and how to be loved

never himself has been able to dwell in that reality ...........
he has visited there
but never found a home there

never loved by his mom
never affirmed
never wanted

I so relate to his pain

and his picture at the end of the book
broke me into tiny jagged pieces ..........

sitting crookedly in a chair
with his caretaker at his side

his hired caretaker

alone from family

every day absent from a hug
a touch
a kiss

I don't understand ...........
and yet
I do

near the end of his days
he decided to be honest
with himself
and with his readers

the brutality of his honesty is piercing

makes me ashamed of me

truth moment

2011-10-26T08:53:00.004-04:00

have been thinking about truth

about how my truth is not necessarily another's truth

read a book once called "Absolute Truths" (thanks D.M.)
filled with stories about indviduals' truths
which in most cases turned out simply to be
rationalization or convenience or excuse
a manipulated truth

even when reading scripture looking for truth
and hanging onto a verse, or a word
someone comes along and says
"but that's not what it says in the original language"

a friend would often encourage me
saying "you always speak the truth
and I really appreciate that"
and yet
when a truth was spoken to her
knickers were twisted
and a door was slammed shut

just yesterday
truth was spoken
revealing an inner brokenness
a pain
a festering wound
that had been causing this one to run so fast
and so hard
that his ears were only filled
with the sound of his own feet pounding the pavement
and the spoken truth ignited an anger
which simply was covering up a fear ...........

truth births freedom
but sometimes our chains
the bars on our windows
have become so familiar
so comfortable
that being a slave
is preferable to running free

being dead
is preferable to breathing

existing
trumps living .......

pride moment

2011-10-18T15:06:00.001-04:00

pride is the dandelion of the soul
its root goes deep
only a little left behind sprouts again
its seeds lodge in the tiniest encouraging cracks
and it flourishes in good soil
the danger of pride is that it feeds on goodness

hearing moment

2011-10-17T14:02:00.000-04:00

to be willing to hear
can be dangerous
or so we think .........

prayer moment

2011-10-13T16:17:00.001-04:00

prayer is ............a life of absolute surrender to the Holy Spirit
Who is the source of prayer
because He brings the will of the Father to us .............

living continually under the mastery of the Spirit is to live in
a natural flow of prayer as an unconscious stream
ever communing with the Father
to the extent that a simple thought
is heard as a prayer to be answered
and every desire has come from God's own vision

under the blessed Spirit
prayer is breathing ..........
a thought, a sigh, a groan, a want (Rom 8:26,27)

Martha Kilpatrick

ask moment

2011-10-11T19:34:00.003-04:00

in a class of eight year-olds one Sunday morning
one boy continually would disrupt the lesson

finally the boy was taken aside
and the lesson explained to him one on one .............

the thrust of the lesson was about our friendship with God
which offers us an opportunity to ask Him for things ........

this young boy was asked if he wanted to ask God for something

he very quietly responded

"I would like to ask God to tell my dad to stop hitting my mom"

true story

plastic moment

2011-09-29T10:49:00.006-04:00

now that it is almost October
I decided to finally take down the spring wreath
hanging on my porch wall
and put up a more seasonal fall one

to my surprise
I found a nest had been carefully built into the top of the wreath

this wreath that is very colorful
but absolutely false
plastic
and fake
and it reminded me how discerning we must be
about the place where we give birth
to the things of the Spirit

things can look real
smell real
feel real
and yet be totally false

scripture warns us about casting our pearls .............

if the babe in your womb
does not leap
when you are with the people who surround you
you are surrounded
by the wrong people

hidden moment

2011-09-23T08:59:00.000-04:00

there is a light
hidden inside
each candle

hug moment

2011-09-22T21:11:00.003-04:00

there are times
words not only aren't necessary
aren't needed
aren't wanted
times only a touch will do

and sometimes
that touch
is a hug

there are hugs
and there are hugs

last Saturday
I was hugged
by a gentle man from Australia

it was a beautiful hug
a totally asexual hug
a heart hug

it was a safe hug

I was hugged

and today
such a difficult day
filled with such difficult news
it was the echo of that hug
that carried me through

fickle moment

2011-09-22T07:59:00.001-04:00

hope and despair
peace and angst
like dancing with a fickle lover

wind moment

2011-09-22T07:55:00.002-04:00

the wind
singing
calling
wooing
causing fingers of water
to lift up
and reach out in anticipation

the wind
glorious in its dance
then suddenly gone
leaving only the echo of its sigh
as a remnant upon the land

value moment

2011-09-21T07:55:00.000-04:00

those who know the exact price of things
often don't know the true cost
or value
of anything

midnight moment

2011-09-20T16:21:00.001-04:00

the supply of Bread
the fullness of the Spirit
comes on the other side of midnight

writing moment

2011-09-08T12:14:00.000-04:00

writing is sitting at the keyboard
and
opening a vein

peace moment

2011-08-17T08:57:00.003-04:00

at dinner last evening with some friends
there was talk of "church" things ........
and I was reminded of a statement
made by Jean Vanier in a recent series of lectures -

"a modest proposal for peace:
that Christians around the world would stop killing one another"

we don't shoot many bullets against one another on this side of the world
but a critical word
snide remark
a word of judgement
pierces deeper than any bullet
leaving a scar that wounds for years

its echo can reverberate loudly in our hearts for a very long time

passion moment

2011-08-11T12:17:00.001-04:00

how many have allowed their passion
to be replaced
by achieving position

recover moment

2011-08-11T12:16:00.001-04:00

you must recover your
NO
before you can exercise your
YES

conundrum moment

2011-08-06T13:43:00.002-04:00

what does one do
when a friend
is about to make a huge mistake

it is so true -
"love is blind"

something happens to discernment
wisdom
caution

we are able to convince ourselves all is good
when other eyes see opposite

do we blind ourselves
or are we blinded

is it the longing of our hearts
that pulls the shade down over our eyes
and a comforter over our discernment

to speak
or
not to speak

that is the question
the age old conundrum

the cop out answer is
"just pray"

and of course prayer is a huge part of this
but sometimes a spoken word of caution is necessary ..........

knowing the spoken word will not be wanted
and probably not received
and so a relationship is then damaged

the risk is huge

blind moment

2011-07-31T08:09:00.000-04:00

rejected light
increases blindness

voice moment

2011-07-30T08:11:00.000-04:00

emotions
are the cry
that
gives the heart
a voice ..........

scent moment

2011-07-29T16:26:00.001-04:00

when your life has become most frantic
when fear and worry have made their home in you
and anxiety attends your days
may there come from somewhere
the scent of pomegranate and cedar
apple and myrrh
cinnamon
frankincense
and fig

family moment

2011-07-22T08:35:00.000-04:00

only when we have the courage to cross the street
and look in one another's eyes
can we see there
that we are children of the same God
and members of the same human family

Henri Nouwen

orphan moment

2011-07-20T19:55:00.001-04:00

"Sons are teachable, orphans are not. Orphans earnestly desire some spiritual achievement and distinction and are willing to achieve it, they have a desire to be seen and counted among the mature. Sons are content simply to experience daily the Fathers love and acceptance and be sent as a representative of His love to family and others."

Jack Frost "Slavery to Sonship"

running moment

2011-07-13T10:08:00.001-04:00

there is a little boy
who still loves to run
inside every man
no matter his age

stump moment

2011-06-30T12:49:00.002-04:00

a few years ago
I came across a magnificent children's book
called "The Giving Tree"
written by Shel Silverstein

I knew immediately God was speaking to me
through these words ........
but it is only recently
that I am gaining some understanding

the story basically is about a tree
who gives itself away
piece by piece
because of love

the time eventually comes
when the tree believes it has nothing left to give
no branches
no shade
no fruit
no body

and yet
this tree
now only a stump
discovers that a stump still can give

this stump is able to provide a place of rest
enough strength remaining to enable someone to lean against

most of us reach a stump phase in our lives
wondering if there is anything left to give
feeling somewhat set aside
forgotten

having recently been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease
which has caused my body to be at war with itself
I find this story even more poignant
and even more comforting

right now in an acute phase of this disease
having difficulty with mobility
not able to even hold a coffee cup with one hand
(necessitating becoming a two fisted drinker!)
thinking a lot before attempting anything
this old stump is privileged to provide a place of rest
for those who are weary
for those who need to lean a bit
for those who simply need a spot to "be"

at the lake last week
I came across a stump
down by the water

a stump of a long dead cedar
that had to be cut down years ago
before it fell on someone

this old old stump
has a tiny sprout of green life
birthing from it

what many would pass by
seeing only death
those who walk slowly
would see life

Vanier moment

2011-06-25T09:19:00.001-04:00

To look forward, to want life, means we have to be willing to look backwards and become more conscious of all those who have hurt us, all that is broken in us and that has brought us inner deaths, hurts that we may have hidden and stifled. It means that we acknowledge the story of our origins, of our own lives, see and accept our brokenness and the times we also have hurt others. When we have accepted who we are and what we need in order to grow in compassion and peacemaking, we can move forward to give life. To forgive is a gift of God that permits us to let go of our past hurts.

Jean Vanier

loving moment

2011-06-24T08:16:00.000-04:00

loving someone does not simply mean doing things for them
it is much more profound
to love someone is to show to them their beauty
their worth
and their importance
it is to understand them
understand their cries
and their body language
it is to rejoice in their presence
spend time in their company
and communicate with them
to love is to live a heart-to-heart relationship with another
giving to and receiving from each other

passing moment

2011-06-16T09:29:00.000-04:00

Human life
passes through very different stages
on the way from weakness to weakness
from the mother's womb
to the womb of the earth

perfection moment

2011-05-24T10:09:00.002-04:00

``I have come to realize
that the radiance of the rose
and the whiteness of the lily
do not take away
the fragrance of the little violet
or the delightful simplicity of the daisy -
perfection consists in being
what God wants us to be.``
St. Therese

pulling moment

2011-05-24T09:46:00.003-04:00

finally
after a long winter
spiritually and naturally
I made it to the poustinia
for a time of planting my feet in the soil of God

we had been cutting down huge trees
that had fallen during a violent wind a few weeks ago -
these trees, some very very old, were leaning on younger trees
full of life
but now being bent and bowed and endangered
under the weight of death

and I saw spiritually
how there was a lot of dead wood in my heart
pains and rejections and betrayals
and fear
mostly fear
that were pressing on tender shoots of love

Jer 4:3 speaks of breaking up the fallow ground
and I see afresh how time spent with God works the earth of my heart
first a pulling of the weeds
then a pulling of things I have planted
and I feel the struggle in my knees
and my back

living faithfully to my true self
has disappointed a lot of people
family
peers
closest friends
when I have failed to meet their expectations,
they have left
religious leaders ..........who do not appreciate a disruption of their theology

Lord, help me to love others well
while remaining faithful to you

Holy Spirit, empower me to pause
and savor the sacred in all I do -
be it large or small

prayer moment

2011-05-12T09:56:00.000-04:00

Let us not be content to pray morning and evening, but let us live
in prayer all day long. Let this prayer, this life of love, which
means death to self, spread out from our seasons of prayer, as from
a centre, over all that we have to do. All should become prayer,
that is, a loving consciousness of God's presence, whether it be
social intercourse or business. Such a course as this will ensure
you a profound peace.
- Francois Fenelon

earthquake moment

2011-05-10T09:03:00.002-04:00

some people I love hugely are going through a tumultuous time .........
something caused an eruption on the weekend -
this eruption has turned into a massive earthquake
and the fallout is wide

just like in the natural
an earthquake reveals a hidden fault line
so it is in the spiritual
and much is being revealed

the surprising part
is that this all has surfaced a fear in me

not sure what the fear is all about
but while listening to words falling with a massive fury yesterday
I became very afraid ..........
physically afraid

of what

of whom

the collateral damage to this particular earthquake is sobering

sometimes we are asked to say hard things
to point out a piercing truth
and sometimes this truth can pierce so deep
it smashes a relationship

and all I can hang onto is the fact
that I must always care most about an individual's relationship with God
and be willing to risk that individual's relationship with me

very much a
he said
she said
situation right now

I know enough
to know
the truth is always somewhere in the middle
sometimes hidden underneath the middle

right now there are these huge boulders blocking the middle
and these boulders have sharp edges
and these boulders can crush

and I am not looking forward to the excavation process
but I am looking forward to light penetrating darkness ...........
true light penetrating all darkness

pollute moment

2011-05-09T09:24:00.004-04:00

when I was in training
back in the '60's
there were still a lot of unknowns
working with radiation

we were given badges by the govt
so that our exposure would be monitored
however
while doing research after hours
we took our badges off
to avoid personal radiation counts building up

which meant many many times
I was over exposed

nothing visible on the outside
but radiation seeped into each cell
each organ
each muscle
each bone
slightly altering everything
slightly changing everything
and even now still destroying who I am

but there is something far more dangerous
far more insidious than radiation
a danger that attacks our souls

if a concerted effort is not made to keep this danger out
the very core of a person can be poisoned
and destroyed

scripture says out of our bellies will flow rivers of living water
if we are not vigilant
poison can creep into each and every tiny crack
of our personal well
contaminate
poison our water
stop the flow
turn the river into sludge
contaminating our souls
plus the souls of anyone who drinks what we offer

I have heard messages about a false Christ
a false Spirit
a false God
and I do believe quoting scripture from the mouth
while the heart is in shadow
or darkness
creates an illusory safety
of standing in a false light

the plumb line must be true
a thought
a flirt
a touch
a desire
can shift the plumb line ever so slightly
just the tiniest bit
but just the tiniest bit erases the true
changes the light
pollutes the well

pearl moment

2011-05-06T11:09:00.004-04:00

this whole face book thing is weird to begin with
but something happened recently that surprisingly triggered a deep pain ....

I have been quite careful to restrict access to my site - closing it as tightly as I know how -
only allowing "friends" access ............
and this word friends in relationship to face book is a whole other thought .........

earlier this week
a "friend" whom I had granted access to my postings
simply by agreeing to be "friends"
changed a lot of the pictures I had posted of my family ......
she thought she was doing a nice thing by prettying them up
putting words on them
framing them
changing their colors
and nothing she did was "bad"
but she had taken what I had posted
and changed them ...........
changed them to something different
something that I could no longer relate to
and then re-posted them on my site ..........
she did not mean any harm
I absolutely know that
but I felt violated
I felt someone had sneaked into my treasure box
and changed all my treasures
painted them
shaped them
printed upon them
with colors, shapes and words that did not come from my heart
and then these changed things displaced my original treasures
which were no longer able to be found

I know face book is public
I know once you post, whatever is posted becomes public
but now I really KNOW
I feel a loss
I was a bit angry at first
but then realized I was the one who had given permission for this
simply by posting ..........

and so, I have spoken with this one
and asked her to refrain from doing this on my site
I realize she now has these pictures copied on her computer
and can do whatever she chooses to with them
and I do not like feeling concerned about this
feeling a concern with a "friend"

the pain of all this was deep -
it took a day or two for me to figure out what was triggered in me

there was a moment a few years ago
when a "leader" of a ministry asked me to share my testimony ...
I did so
and he then proceeded to tear it apart
shred it
and tell me I had been deceived
that everything I had thought was beautiful and wonderful
and full of love
was only full of the enemy

all my treasures were thrown into the mud
and stomped on
publicly

we are warned about casting our pearls ............

I am withdrawing from face book
and will spend whatever hours are necessary
deleting all my pictures before closing my account

I realize it is a little like closing the barn door after the horse has escaped
but ..............

hopefully this time I will learn
to always be very cautious with my pearls.............

limit moment

2011-05-02T08:51:00.001-04:00

writing starkly reveals the limits of my language

the sounds of words
and the silence of images converge
sometimes violently

iris moment

2011-04-29T19:55:00.003-04:00

some months ago lying on my bed while recovering I was able to watch the iris in the bouquets over the period of a week as they slowly and graciously unfolded their gifts to me

each day a tightly furled bud would begin its slow-motion self-revelation until by the end of the day it would be in full expansion

next morning it would have closed in on itself only to allow the next bud positioned farther down the stalk to display its breathtaking beauty

the very being of the iris

their incomprehensible delicacy and extravagance

the furry petaled dip and curve of them

the modulations of color

the various textures of stalk stem stamen and pistil

all elegantly displayed themselves for my wonderment

there was a wordlessness to the experience that is impossible to convey

the iris simply were

they were inexpressible gifts

unique

unrepeatable

unforgettable

if only I could be present to really see and receive them

I knew I had never seen iris before

I was not sure I had ever really seen anything before

but now I knew

I had seen iris

edge moment

2011-04-26T09:14:00.000-04:00

I realize that my faith and unbelief
are never far from each other
maybe it is exactly at the place
where they touch each other
that the growing edge of my life is

friends moment

2011-04-20T09:11:00.002-04:00

as part of my readings through the entire Bible this year
I was in Job earlier this morning
and noted such a beautiful event .........

there was a time when Job's friends came alongside him
and they sat for a considerable amount of time
in total silence -
no one said a single word
no one tried to comfort
or fight spiritually
or provide insight
or condemn .........

they all simply sat in silence

the ministry of presence

later on of course these same friends grew impatient
with Job
and with God
and they started speaking .........

but it was when they were silent
such beauty of friendship was seen

we have much to learn from that example ....

a few years ago
when I was ill
some friends came by

one suggested that now I was "old and frail"
I should avail myself of meals on wheels ..........

another wondered about sin in my life
allowing my body to be attacked

some friends never came

but there were a few
who came and sat
in silence
just comforting me with their presence
with their silent hugs

the ministry of silent presence is loud

silent moment

2011-04-19T07:37:00.000-04:00

silence is the process of coming to stillness

silent solitude forges true speech

wild moment

2011-04-16T11:16:00.000-04:00

the fragile splendor of a wildflower stops me in my tracks
sucks the breath out of me
and opens me to a moment of awe
when I pay attention
and give myself to the moment

killing moment

2011-04-14T14:10:00.003-04:00

recently while undergoing some medical tests
it was discovered there was something ugly
and dangerous growing away
hidden deep inside .........
not yet big enough to be noticed by the naked eye
not yet hugely altering how the body was functioning
just simmering away
quietly and slowly
extending its tentacles into everything around it

just like our amazing medical technology
enables one to see deep inside
and find hidden things

there are moments God allows
a "seeing" into the body of Christ

during a season in the midst of a community
I began to see something ugly
and dangerous
simmering away ..........
this was a cancer of jealousy ..........
hidden deep inside
not yet exposed enough to be seen by many eyes
not yet hugely altering how the body was functioning
just simmering away
quietly and slowly
extending its tentacles into those around

some others did not see it
yet began to feel its presence

and just like it takes time to develop a protocol
to treat a dangerous disease in the natural body
time had to be taken
to seek God's protocol for dealing with this particular disease

there are very few things
more destructive than a silent cancer
cancer can kill

there are very few things
more destructive than a simmering jealousy
jealousy can kill

what is seldom understood
is that jealousy
although projected outward
is already killing the person infected with it

serene moment

2011-04-12T08:23:00.001-04:00

we walk to lakes
to see our serenity reflected in them

when we are not serene
we do not go to them

Henry Thoreau

womb moment

2011-04-11T08:43:00.001-04:00

into the compassionate womb of your love
oh God
I bring my deepest needs
my strongest hopes
my greatest fears .........

insightful moment

2011-04-08T10:29:00.001-04:00

"I think that when people say they're lonely,what they're really saying is that they don't like their own company. And something should be done about that, because if you don't like your own company, then you're the victim of whoever passes by."

Diana de Vegh

false moment

2011-04-05T08:47:00.003-04:00

living out of a false self
creates a compulsive desire
to present a perfect image to the public
so that everybody will admire us
and nobody will know us

Brennan Manning

answer moment

2011-03-31T10:43:00.002-04:00

how we answer
depends upon which question we hear

until and unless we hear God asking
do you know I love you

we are unable to answer Jesus question
do you love Me

we cannot give what we have not received

only once we receive the love of God
can we give that love back to Jesus

for God's love is perfect
and Jesus deserves nothing less

if we only offer Jesus our imperfect love
this second love
that has been modeled for us
by parents, friends,
well
that is truly sad ...........

that is a religious love
from an anorexic body

words coming from a mouth
that has lost its taste for manna
bread still warm from the oven of intimacy

door moment

2011-03-31T09:08:00.003-04:00

while visiting my children and grandchildren on the weekend
one of the youngest was playing with the French doors
there came a moment he inadvertently shut the door
could not figure out how to open it
and found himself separated from us
I snapped the picture
and knew immediately God was speaking
deep into my spirit

from birth to the age of five
I was fatherless
I had no daddy

at five there came a moment when I met my father
it took some time for a bonding to happen
I felt comfortable with the word father
with the person father
but
never had a daddy

it is only in the past few years I have realized
how much this has affected my relationship with my Father
I am comfortably forever bonded with my Father
but there is this small child in me
that yet longs for a Daddy
an Abba

it is when the wings of my intellect are all folded into my heart
that this cry for Abba is loudest

and when I saw this picture
it showed me
that Abba is just on the other side of the door
I can even see Him
but this small child has not figured out how to open the door

the big me
the adult sized me
years ago
quickly joyously effortlessly
opened the door to my Father

but the small child of me
somehow cannot find the handle
cannot figure out how to open the door

and the cry is loud

well moment

2011-03-30T09:10:00.000-04:00

like the woman at the well

if Jesus met me today

and began speaking to me about the wounded parts of my life

what would he mention first ..................

drawing moment

2011-03-29T08:30:00.002-04:00

it is the gentle Whisper
that draws us to the mouth of the cave

it is the Voice
that tells us which way to go

stumble moment

2011-03-28T19:29:00.000-04:00

people don't stumble over boulders
they stumble over stones
relatively small things

growing moment

2011-03-24T14:57:00.001-04:00

heaven lies about us in our infancy
shades of the prison-house
begin to close upon the growing boy

William Wordsworth

gift moment

2011-03-24T14:56:00.000-04:00

our love is a need
His is a gift

Thomas Merton

sometimes moment

2011-03-22T09:36:00.000-04:00

sometimes we must go into the dark to see the light
sometimes we must go into the dark to see God

withdraw moment

2011-03-18T14:12:00.002-04:00

just as a mirage in the desert gives a false sense of confidence that all will be well

my emotions can give me an exaggerated confidence in my faith

they work most powerfully in times of spiritual struggles

jumping in to quickly fix my pain

exhilaration feels much better than uncertainty and confusion

only when I withdraw into God’s care

I am sustained at a deep level

loved even when I can’t muster confidence or excitement

question moment

2011-03-14T08:59:00.001-04:00

I used to think the most important question to hear
and answer
was Jesus asking
"do you love Me?"

only lately have I come to believe that a more important question
comes from God
and that is
"do you believe I love you?"

both questions contain the word "love" -
and until I/we understand what love is
both questions are difficult to answer honestly .....

my struggles in relationships are connected with what I like to call
the relationship between the 'first love' and the 'second love'

the first love is from God
who loved me before I was born

the second love is from my parents, brothers, sisters, friends
and is only a reflection of that first love

sometimes I expect from the second love
what only the first love can give

then I experience anguish

my personal struggle has always been
that I expected a first love
from someone who could only give a second love

thirst moment

2011-03-13T09:10:00.001-04:00

beautiful and loving God
I hunger for healing
I thirst for you
lead me to you
like the deer to water
amen

essential moment

2011-03-12T17:37:00.001-05:00

l'essential est invisible pour les yeux

what is essential
is invisible
to the eye

we must learn
to see
with the heart

hidden moment

2011-03-10T12:39:00.002-05:00

there was a day on the beach a few weeks ago
when everyone was told to stay out of the water

it was a glorious day
with miles of beautiful azure ocean in front of us
and yet
we were told there was a danger
a hidden danger
within the water

apparently related to the miles away oil spill of last April
heavy parts of the oil sank to the bottom
and now were releasing some sort of methane gas
which was floating on the surface of the water

almost invisible to the eye
with no odor whatsoever

and yet,
it was there

and no one was sure how it would affect any body
it came in contact with

reminded me of the day
when the leadership of our church
stood on the platform and said
"don't drink our water"

the water looked clear
and cold
refreshing
and yet
there was a hidden problem
deep within the well

I knew at the time there was something prophetic in the words
"don't drink our water"
and yet it was only years later
the hidden sin within the leadership was exposed

it is the hidden things
the things deep beneath the surface
odorless
colorless
unseen by most eyes
that can poison what we are offering

affecting any who drink our water
any who are splashed by our stuff

be wise
about whose water you drink

be discerning
about where you swim

love moment

2011-03-10T09:47:00.003-05:00

sometimes it is easier to love
than be loved

Jesus asks
three times
"do you love me?"

there is also an unspoken asking
"do you believe I love you?"

lent moment

2011-03-09T09:28:00.000-05:00

Lent: An Invitation to Return to God

Lectionary readings for Ash Wednesday: Joel 2:1-2, 12-17; Psalm 51:1-17;
2 Corinthians 5:20b-6:10; Matthew 6:1-6, 16-21.

“Yet even now, says the Lord, repent and return to me with all your heart” Joel 2:13

Today is Ash Wednesday—the beginning of the Church’s observance of the Lenten season. It is a space in time in which we are called to stop whatever we are doing, no matter how important it might be, and enter more intentionally into the disciplines of prayer, self-examination and repentance. But these disciplines—as significant as they are—are not ends in themselves. They are a means to an end and that end is that we would return to God with all our hearts.

Unfortunately, the practice of entering into the Lenten season has often been reduced to the question: “What are you giving up for Lent?” This is a fine question, but it can only take us so far. The real question of the Lenten season is: How will I find ways to return to God with all my heart? This begs an even deeper question: Where in my life have I gotten away from God and what are the disciplines that will enable me to find my way back?

How many and how subtle are the ways that we as Christian leaders can “leave” God and the true spiritual journey in favor of other pursuits—even those that seem very noble and necessary! The cares and concerns of life and even the dreams and visions that God has given us can distract us from the relationship itself. One day we wake up and realize we have tolerated that which is intolerable and compromised that which is of greatest value.

Yet even now, says the Lord, return to me with all your heart. What a poignant and compelling invitation! Who among us does not want to return to God with all our heart?

Entering In

The season begins as we receive the symbolic gesture of the imposition of ashes on our foreheads and acknowledge our human finiteness and mortality. No matter who we think we are, the traditions of Ash Wednesday remind us that “you are dust and to dust you will return.” (Genesis 3:19) This is not meant to be morbid, it is just meant to limit our grandiosity and help us to stay in touch with the real human condition that we all share.

Ash Wednesday also initiates a season of acknowledging our sinfulness. In a very intentional way, we invite God to search us and know us and (eventually) to lead us into resurrection life. The ashes marking our foreheads carry the same meaning contained in the Old Testament practice of covering oneself with ashes: they are an outward sign of an inward repentance and mourning as we become aware of our sin. This, too, is good for us because we live in so much denial. Facing our sin in the shadow of Christ’s cross and impending resurrection is the healthiest way to deal with our sin.

The disciplines of fasting and other kinds of abstinence help us to face the hold that our sin patterns have on us and to somehow let go. They create space for the godly grief that leads to repentance. They ask us to consider how we might be called to give more of ourselves to others. Lent requires something of us, but there can be no feasting without fasting. Entering into the Lenten discipline of giving up something in order to create more space for prayer is the fast that prepares us to fully enjoy the Feast of the Resurrection.

Shaping Your Lenten Discipline

To begin, we might consider disciplines of abstinence that help us clear out the clutter of those things that distract us from God. Whether we fast from foods that comfort our emptiness, from caffeine or alcohol that keep us stimulated, from aspects of media or technology that keep us distracted, from words that keep us overly-enamored with our own thoughts, from mindless spending that keeps us numb, from addiction to the spotlight that keeps us dependent on other people’s praise…disciplines of fasting and other kinds of abstinence help us to clear the decks for spiritual action.

As we clear out the clutter in our souls, we become more finely attuned to what is really going on in our lives spiritually and the invitations that are there for us. As we experience a broken and contrite heart in the face of what we are seeing, the way is opened for God to teach us wisdom in our secret heart.

Ash Wednesday is also a day when we are invited to consider how we might shape our Lenten season in positive ways by entering into practices that help us respond to this deeper self-knowledge. The Gospel reading for today (Matthew 6) highlights concrete disciplines that have the potential to loosen the grip of sin and distraction in our lives, thus creating more space for God. As we shape our Lenten disciplines, we might ask:

How will I give? (v. 2, 3) Lent is a time for “giving things up” balanced by “giving to” those in need.

How will I pray? (v. 5-13) As we “give up” some of our usual distractions, it creates more space for prayer. Perhaps there is a prayer practice (such as fixed hour prayer) that God is inviting us to during Lent.

Who do I need to forgive and from whom do I need to seek forgiveness? (v. 14, 15) Seeking forgiveness and offering forgiveness creates space for God’s grace to flow in our lives.

How will I fast? What is distracting me from my relationship with God? What do I need to abstain from in order to create more space for God and attentiveness to God? (v. 16-18)

What earthly treasures am I attached to and how can I let go? The way we use our time, financial resources and energy reflect powerfully on what we treasure. Is there any specific way in which God is inviting us to “let go” of our attachment to some earthly treasure—at least for this season? (v. 19-21)

From Winter to Spring

Lent is the season in which winter and spring struggle with each other for dominance—in the outer world and in our own souls. Rather than approaching Lent as drudgery or as a requirement, these questions help us approach Lent as an opportunity. One liturgy refers to Lent as “this joyful season” because it is meant to lead us into the Church’s springtime, a time when out of the darkness of sin’s winter, a repentant, empowered people emerges.[i] May it be so!

So let us begin together.

“I invite you, therefore, in the name of the Church, to the observance of a holy Lent, by self-examination and repentance; by prayer, fasting and self-denial; and by reading and meditating on God’s holy Word. And, to make a right beginning of repentance, and as a mark of our mortal nature, let us now kneel before the Lord, our maker and redeemer. Amen.

~Book of Common Prayer

Ruth Haley Barton

melody moment

2011-03-06T09:18:00.000-05:00

Know this: you should judge every person by his merits. Even someone who seems completely wicked, you must search for and find that little speck of good, for in that place he is not wicked. By this you will raise him up and help him return to God. And you must also do this for yourself, finding your own good points, one after the other, raising yourself up. This is how melodies are made, note after note.

Rabbi Nachman of Breslov

discovering moment

2011-02-27T12:56:00.002-05:00

discovering not everyone
is who they say they are
begins a rape of an innocence
that lasts a lifetime

crashed moment

2011-02-26T08:44:00.002-05:00

I have this glorious habit while here
of taking a 2 mile hike along the beach
first thing every morning -

although I take the same route
at the same time each day

some mornings I walk in a dense fog
sometimes it is a literal fog
sometimes a spiritual fog

some mornings I walk in brilliant sunshine
the coming heat just touching the edges of the day

some mornings the walk is easy
on hard packed sand

some mornings the walk is not so easy
the sand mushy and slippery
causing muscles not often used to pull and stretch

some mornings my feet stay dry
some mornings I am soaked

it all depends upon the tides ....

this week the tides of sorrow
and pain
and grief have been high

and just as in the natural
when a high rough tide
alters
changes
rearranges the shape of the beach

the spiritual beach of me
has been altered
changed
rearranged

I am still walking the same route
but some spiritual muscles not often called into play
are aching these days

the surf this morning is rolling high and hard
flexing its muscles
to display the great strength there is in the sea
and yet
falling
crashing to its knees as it meets the land

and I feel a bit crashed to my knees .........

I know the strength is still there
but somehow it seems OK
to crash to my knees ....

face down
on the shores
of my God

jet moment

2011-02-25T10:03:00.003-05:00

it is such a privilege
to wake up in this place each morning
leap out of bed
grab my hat
and head for the beach -

while walking my usual 2 mile route today
I noted all the shells
lying face up
like cupped hands
each one holding water ..........

and I thought of Jesus
how He continually offers Himself

offers living water

all the heavy news this week
of death
and grief
and deep sorrow
wonderings

and in the middle of it all
Jesus offers Himself

we have the choice
to drink
or not

it is impossible to question
while drinking ......

suddenly a huge fighter jet
screamed across the sky
such a piercing sound
I could actually feel it

and when everything was quiet again
I realized the pain in my soul was gone

it was as if the jet had pulled something out
as it went overhead .......

so interesting
that Jesus would choose that moment
to heal my soul

while in the valley
I am able to drink

fog moment

2011-02-23T08:11:00.002-05:00

there is a thick fog this morning
all the sounds of the ocean are there
like a giant lung inhaling and exhaling
but completely hidden in a grey soup

seems sort of fitting
after hearing the news yesterday
of a sudden death
in a far off land ..

and then more news
of a birth
a new life

the ocean offers
and takes away

life offered
life taken away

all a mystery

God is here
just hidden
in the thick mist of a fog

overdone moment

2011-02-22T08:22:00.002-05:00

not so wise yesterday -

went for a 5 mile hike
it was lovely getting out and about
and exploring different corners of this village
however
the last mile while coming home
was really tough -

we decided to return via the beach
and take advantage of the sea breeze ......
the tide was in
which meant we had to walk on soft sand
which kept slipping from beneath our feet

by the time we stepped onto our beachfront
I was totally done in

totally

after resting for 3 hours
my heart rate finally started to slow down
and my head pounding eased off a bit

all made me wonder
what we would do
if my heart failed again down here ..........

realized that even though it has only been 2 years
I had already started to take things for granted again

our bodies
fearfully and wonderfully made
need to be understood
respected
listened to
cared for

one has to find the right balance
between caring for the soul
and caring for the body

can't do one without the other

this day
I will strive to be a tad wiser

yesterday moment

2011-02-20T10:16:00.002-05:00

yesterday was just so weird
I don't even know how I feel about it
I can't find an appropriate word

we spent the day with my brother in law
his ex wife
and her current husband

sitting by their pool
in the back yard of their new home

there is a high spouting fountain that spills into the pool
and there was just as much wine flowing beside the pool

the conversation was disturbing to my spirit
it all seemed so shallow
so empty

their lives are consumed with momentary pleasure
or what they hope will bring them pleasure

things are being accumulated
and set out for display

there really is no thought for tomorrow
other than the fact everyone bemoans the fact
that retirement is no longer on anyone's horizon

the economy here is really in the tank
and all hope of stopping work at 60 or 65
or even 70 has vanished

no one seems to like their job
it is simply a means to an end
an empty end

and so minds
emotions
hopes
dreams
are all numbed by the continuous intake of alcohol

bodies are surgically tucked
tightened
and bleached

but

there is no thought to caring for their spirit
their soul

in the midst of all the empty laughter filling the air
I silently wept inside

there seemed to be no point to anything

and this is family ............

it was good to get in the car and drive away
and yet
all night I could not sleep

pipe moment

2011-02-18T07:12:00.002-05:00

today is starting off in a fog
a literal fog

sort of appropriate

I know the sea
the beach
the birds
are all there
just hidden for the moment

reminds me of times
I know God is there
His Voice
His Presence
His touch
but hidden from me
because of the fog of a situation ..........

yesterday while walking the beach
I saw some huge pipes
obviously meant to drain rain water
from the inland waterway that meanders through the village

one of the pipes was 90% plugged with sand
from a high tide
when I peered way into it
I could see a tiny window of light at the other end

another pipe a little further along
was wide open
with water draining easily into the sand

there are times
because of our placement
or our positioning in that placement
the tides of life can fill us up
so there is no flow

makes me think of the coffee cup
with the broken handle

still able to do what it was designed to do
but needed two hands to hold it carefully

I have been that plugged pipe

I have been that coffee cup

fragrant moment

2011-02-17T07:25:00.003-05:00

yesterday was glorious

the sun and I woke up together on the beach
the sea's song was gentle
lullaby-like
each thrust of the water offering up fresh treasures from the depths

an egret was waiting by the shore
and we walked together for a mile or so ..........

two dolphins played in the surf

later while sitting with my book
a lady came over
asking if she could sit with me

she asked what perfume I was wearing!
which always amazes me ..........

before too many moments
she was telling me her story ........

I asked if I could pray with her ..........

and another soul has entered the kingdom of God

while watching the sun set last evening
another lady sat beside me .........
and she told me her story

and as the sun met the edge of the ocean
she met the King of kings

and another soul has entered the kingdom of God

I wonder what He has in mind for today

linger moment

2011-02-15T15:23:00.005-05:00

walked the beach today
no one else around
only my footprints evidencing that I had been there

turned out
I had barely passed by
before the sea gathered up my foot prints
and swept them into the sea

but what of their memory
does it linger in the sand
long after they are no longer there

and I think of the foot prints of some
who have walked with me for a season
and then they are gone

fortunately
their memory lingers
as does their foot prints
in my heart

penetrating moment

2011-02-11T07:55:00.002-05:00

Some souls think that the Holy Spirit is very far away,
far, far, up above
Actually he is, we might say,
the divine Person who is most closely present to the creature.
He penetrates him with himself.
He calls him,
he protects him.
He makes of him his living temple.
He defends him.
He helps him.
He guards him from all his enemies.
He is closer to him than his own soul.
All the good a soul accomplishes,
it carries out under his inspiration,
in his light,
by his grace
and his help

Concepcion Cabrera de Armida

balloon moment

2011-02-10T09:28:00.002-05:00

friends are like balloons

if you let them go
they might not come back

but what of the string
that ties you to your friend

is it a string that joins
or one that controls

does it chafe
or does it comfort

does it allow you both to soar
or does it require one remain lower

does it bring beautiful truth
or does it cause a shadow

does it bring freedom
or does it chain

there is a lamenting in my spirit this day
about the string ..........

words moment

2011-02-09T08:41:00.002-05:00

words are so important to me
words are alive
filled with color
sound
touch

words are filled with life
or filled with death

can bring hope
or despair

when our words are mistreated
mishandled
not respected
guarded
and properly cared for

there is an abuse that takes place
and because our words are the overflow of our hearts
the abuse is to the heart

I have never before seen this quite so clearly

these words
I post in a public forum
are vulnerable

words sent in an email

words spoken in confidence

words simply spoken in passing

words ..........

each word contains a tiny fragment of who I am

and now the question
do I stop sharing my words
do I listen to the whisper of fear

what do I do with all the words tumbling around inside me

Luca moment

2011-02-08T11:39:00.001-05:00

there are times
God brings us to an unfamiliar place
to ask us the question,

"Who do you say that I am?

dark moment

2011-02-06T14:32:00.005-05:00

Ex 20:21

Sometimes, to meet with God, we have to go to the dark places. We have to enter the thick darkness of terrifying circumstances

And sometimes, it just seems that the darkness surrounds us. We didn’t choose it, we didn’t want it, we didn’t see it coming, but here we are, surrounded by the thick darkness of the unknown, the risky, the lonely.. And it feels like we went the wrong way. God isn’t in the darkness, is he? He dwells in the light - right?

God in the dark requires more trust than God in the light. When life gets dark and terrifying we have a choice: walk in the dark, trusting God - or don’t.

Sometimes the darkness isn’t punishment, or accident, or evil. Sometimes the dark is the gift. Sometimes the dark is the opportunity. God awaits us, not only in the light of easy times and happy moments, but also in the thick darkness. And there he invites us to learn to trust him like never before.

God in the dark requires far more trust than God in the light.

bride moment

2011-02-05T11:34:00.001-05:00

just as Eve was birthed out of Adam
to become his bride
so the church is birthed out of Christ
to become His bride

Eve birthed from the opened side of Adam

the church birthed from the pierced side of Christ