day one, two and three moments

March 01, 02, 03

Gethsemane has a powerful effect on me ………

I am stunned by a God who can break down like me,
a God pleading and almost losing control

I am assaulted and unsettled by Christ’s agony in the Garden
it is much easier to rush pass this and rejoice in the
“not my will but yours”
but
there is blood oozing from the pores of this man Jesus
He is in agony
deep trauma takes place in the garden
he is terribly terribly alone

the garden was a familiar place to Jesus
(Luke 22:39 …………as was his custom)
the olive trees heavy with fruit
during harvest season these olives are crushed until the oils are released

this is a place of crushing

Jesus will soon have his breath pressed from him

but this night he is alone …….

His friends sleep

a lost and dying world totally ignorant of his struggle
unaware of the price soon to be paid

consumed by sorrow

this man Jesus is deeply grieved
to the point of death
(Mark 1:34)

God struggling with a pain that threatens to undo him
a pain that causes his body to shake

God smothering in sadness

waves of emotion crash into Jesus
threatening to drown him

he mourns
while life goes on around him

for the first and only time
he asks for help
from his friends

he asks for so little
yet they cannot give it

they cannot stay awake for one hour

twice he asks
twice they fall asleep

and he is left with his father
it is only his father who is awake
only his father shares the impact of his lonely pain

and what is my role in his loneliness
how often have I fallen asleep

he asks so little of me
simply to love him

in my spirit this night
I offer him a shoulder
upon which to weep

as I choose to remain
and keep watch

struggling moment

once tasting and then forever after desiring sobornost

a restlessness grows within

a continual looking

a holy dissatisfaction

a wondering

in the seeking the path where there is no trail

and discovering once again

the importance of being whole

the necessity of packing light for the journey

taking the time to forgive

and seek forgiveness

to listen

to touch

to discern

drawing very close to the One

whose footsteps lead the way

there is a wounding that can come in deep disappointment

there is a sadness in the wondering why

and to be completely honest

some fear in the thought of even trying again

and in the angst of all this

I am reminded:

"When we have been wounded by the church,

our temptation is to reject it.

But when we reject the church

it becomes very hard for us to keep in touch with the living Christ.

When we say, "I love Jesus, but I hate the church,"

we end up losing not only the church but Jesus too.

The challenge is to forgive the church.

This challenge is especially great because the church seldom asks us for forgiveness,

at least not officially.

But the church as an often fallible human organization needs our forgiveness,

while the church as the living Christ among us continues to offer us forgiveness.

It is important to think about the church not as "over there"

but as a community of struggling, weak people of whom we are part

and in whom we meet our Lord and Redeemer. "

Henri Nouwen

and a wondering if

it is I who must offer forgiveness

to the church

for having unfair expectations

of the church

but

if it were not possible

why would Jesus cry for it

and my heart is filled with the salt of His tears

toe stubbing moment

Lent

usually a time of giving something up

already committed to a 40 day fast

I have been pondering the giving something up
and have come to the conclusion that it will not be a giving up

but more an allowing to happen that has been chosen for me this season

and in that allowing to happen

there will be a giving up

it is interesting that this is the season that is centered around the cross
a season where there must be death
before there can be life

a season when Jesus laid down His will
for the will of Another

there is a particularly unpleasant jarring jabbing pain in the stubbing of a toe

and for a few years now I have been stubbing the toe of my heart

against a door that is trying to shut

I believe it is time for me to remove my toe and allow the door to close

I have not been enjoying the pain

but until now have felt the pain of a stubbed toe

was preferable to the pain of the closed door

there is a fearful wondering in my heart how the sound will feel as the click is heard
in the knowing that it is pressure against a door
a deliberate action
that causes the shutting

there is a whooshing, a pushing of air, as a door is shut
I must carefully position my heart so that I will not stumble or fall in the whoosh

but I am tired of stubbing my toe

one walks with a limp with an injured toe
making it difficult to keep balanced
making it easy to lose sight of the path
because all attention is focused on the pain of the injury

I am tired of stubbing my toe

the pain of it has become too familiar

sobornost moment

I have been getting calls and mail
from those desiring to understand sobornost
what it means
where and how to find it

I confess to still seeking, learning, discovering
and so request that much grace be extended
as I try to wrap words around
this cry that is heard deep in the heart of my Lord

sobornost

when the will of man lifts itself above itself and flows into the will of God

and the will of God returns to man

sobornost

the expression of a humble heart

sobornost

demands risk

because it leads us to unplumbed depths

and unknown heights

the greatest wound a human soul can experience is the lack of unity with Christ
when a soul is not united with Christ’s soul it is fragmented

this unity is deeply hidden in the heart of God and given to man as a total gift

it is a mystery only pierced by praying to God

listening to His voice

and doing His will

sobornost

when we hold each other’s heart

turn to one another

and blend with each other in the heart of Christ

sobornost

a deep relationship which begins by being absorbed by God
when I put my head in my heart

prostrate myself and listen
allowing my soul to gaze upon the Lord

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

deeply the aloneness so uniquely etched upon His face
the Lord God breathed
a silent cry rising from within

unmindful of path or hour I began to wander
unbearable ache within my heart
worn and forlorn

I wandered towards my Lord

the silent scream of my heart’s angst pierced the solitude

I cried
where are you my love
where are you

His foot steps were easy to see as I placed my feet one by one

where He has walked

I noted the blood
is it His
is it mine
does it matter

my feet are wedded to this path and my heart to the One who said

I am the way

the cross was before me and I saw those already bending over to pick up the nails

as the stones of my emotions were hurled at me by Satan
and the mocking laughter enshrouded me
I could only enter the realm of pure faith

His hand suddenly pulled me to Himself and I was immersed in His love

His peace
do you love me, He asks
do you love me

my spirit melted in the fire of His Presence and became one with Him
as my resurrected Lord became the indwelling Christ

breathless moments

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take

but by the moments that take our breath away.

risk moments

while at the camp this past week

it was agreed

we all would spend a significant portion

of one day in silence

each had the choice

of being alone

or with someone else

the camp is on the edge of a lake

and during the early morning session

I confess

its peaceful white expanse

kept capturing my thoughts

so I quickly booted and scarfed up

and took off to figure out how to get out there

I found the edge easily enough

but just as I placed one foot onto its iced surface

I remembered the warning

given by a friend back home

don't go out on the lake

it might not be frozen enough

I hesitated

but then pushed on

motored by the realization

that most people

come to the very edge of their dreams

and quit

I looked at the other side

focused on a majestic evergreen

and started walking

after crossing over

I looked back

amazed by the straight line of my footprints

it is so true

when stepping out into uncharted territory

if you remain focused

your path will be straight

and so in seeking this path

where there is no trail

my eyes must remain fixed

on the signpost of His face on my horizon

only this will prevent me from going round in circles

or extending the journey unnecessarily

by wandering footsteps

I was completely happy on the other side

for several hours

but then missed community

it was easy to follow the straight line back

as I got closer

those I had left behind

raised their hands in greeting

and although no words were spoken

it was very very good to be together again

there was also the amazing aroma of coffee in the air

with its fingers reaching out

pulling me in

and we sat

in the snow

at the edge of the lake

shoulder to shoulder

knee to knee

drinking our coffee

in silence

it was very very good to be together again

I had not stopped at the edge

but crossed over

and the voice of community

was loud in the silence

PS:

as I was posting this the doorbell rang

one of my fellow sojourners

dropped in for coffee

which means word of my addiction must be spreading :~)

and while sitting around the kitchen table

I learned

that while I was making my path across the lake

there had been 2

who sat, watched and waited

not wishing to curb my desire to cross the lake

only wishing to ensure my feet remained on solid ground

and I am so very deeply moved and blessed

knowing of their silent loving care

Friday's moment

You were within me while I was outside of myself…

Then you called me

and cried to me

and broke through my deafness!

You sent forth your beam,

the light of your magnificently beautiful presence.

You shone your Self upon me to drive away my blindness.

You breathed your fragrance upon me…

and in astonishment I drew my breath…

now I pant for you!

I tasted you

and now I hunger and thirst for you.

You touched me

and I burn to live within your peace.

[Early Will I Seek You, a 40-Day Journey in the Company of Augustine 1991, p. 24]

resting moments

for the past four days and nights
I have camped in the midst
of the pastors of this region

I do not have the language
to describe this time
and wonder if I should even try

if I attempt to place words around the moments of these days
would that confine to those moments what all took place

or somehow define the timbre of God's voice

so I simply say
we went
we saw

tasted

heard

felt

touched
we returned

and none of us will ever ever be the same.

one of the most profound truths that emerged
is the desire of Almighty God
to find a resting place within each one of us

God
desires
to rest
in me
in you

Psalm 132:13,14
for the Lord has chosen Zion
He has desired it for his habitation
"this is my resting place forever
here I will dwell, for I have desired it"

here
I
will
dwell
for
I
have
desired
it

and how important then
is it for me
to be able to rest
to come to a place of stillness
to empty myself of all busyness
all striving
all the stuff of ministry

so that in my stillness
in my rest

my God
may find His place of rest
within me

this is so huge
not something I can yet truly comprehend

how is it
that the Creator
would desire
yearn
long for
want earnestly
ask for
to rest
in me
one of His created

the majesty of that truth
has touched me in such a way
that I have been reshaped by it

the fingerprints of that desire
have indelibly marked
my heart

and my life

God-filled moments

there was a suddenly of God yesterday

a number of us had been feeling this growing yearning to worship

to have a time of worship that would have no beginning

and no end

a time of worship that would be rooted and grounded in scripture

and bathed in the beauty and love of our God

and yesterday we came together

immediate use of a sanctuary was granted

and when use of the sound system was thrown in

I knew the call of God was being heard

5 humble deeply gifted musicians

simply desiring to offer their giftings back to the Giver

helped us find the place where the curtain had been rent

so that we could all enter in

and

for 12 hours yesterday

a hundred or so

knelt, danced, sang

before our King

man's dignity was put aside

in the Presence of God's deity

together

we had church

in the sanctuary

and it was lovely

and we

each one

were there

because God

fell in love

table moments

having a meal is more than eating and drinking
it is celebrating the gift of life we share

a meal together is one of the most intimate and sacred human events
around the table we become vulnerable

filling one another's plates and cups

encouraging one another to eat and drink

much more happens at a table

than satisfying hunger and quenching thirst

around the table we become family

friends

community
a body

the table is one of the most intimate places in our lives
it is there that we give ourselves to one another
when we offer more

serve another plate

pour another glass

we invite friends to become part of our lives

we want them to be nurtured by the same food and drink that nurture us

we desire communion

the table is the place

where we want to become food for one another

adapted from Henri Nouwen's writings

asking moments

have you ever wondered why we ask someone how they are doing

is it just to fill up empty air

is it a knee-jerk question

is there a thinking the question might be expected so we had better ask it

is it simply a rote statement that rolls off our tongue

do we really want to invest time and energy in hearing an answer

and if an answer is forthcoming
to a question that was not sincere
how do we handle the response

toss it

drop it

ignore it

is there an awareness that it is not the words of the answer that are
carelessly received

it is someone's heart
tossed
dropped
ignored

and we do not have the right to do that to one another

if we are not willing to hear an answer
we should never ever ask the question

it is just too cruel

funeral moments

there was a man

77 years of age

suddenly last Tuesday

while fellowshiping

he was absent from the body

and present with the Lord

the funeral Saturday was filled with music

and joy

as he would have wished

but now

this morning

there will be another funeral

we will gather this time

once again around a tiny coffin

holding a tiny body

not quite three months of age

it will be hard to find much joy

and it will be a struggle to sing

impossible to understand

this will be a day

I can only trust

and touch

sanctuary moment

thinking about sanctuary

what it is

where one can find it

what would make it recognizable

it used to be one could look for a sanctuary

within the building where the church would gather

but now

there is only an auditorium

with power point and a drama team

where has the sanctuary gone

who determined a sanctuary is no longer needed

or desired

perhaps the poustinia

is now to be my

sanctuary

but

there is only room for one

in the poustinia

and I am pretty sure

there must be others

who look for a sanctuary

brother b moments

as the Lord would have it

yesterday morning

unexpectedly

I spent a few hours with Brother B

he has some interesting ideas and thoughts

although he says his ministry is one of healing

it turns out to be more of a deliverance ministry

his belief is that cancer is a spirit

and I tend to agree with him here

however, he also states

"cancer is your way of agreeing

with your worst opinion of yourself"

and

"cancer is benign suicide"

and

"grief is the handmaiden of death"

during the moments of our time together

it became painfully obvious

that this man from the deep south

is filled with anger, pain and judgement

and he ministers out of the brokenness of those heavy burdens

as far as I am concerned

the verdict is still out

regarding the validity of his ministry

I guess time will tell .......

for now

I will bow my heart before my King

and listen

gathering moments

yesterday's 'round the table gathering

had some interesting themes

one of our community

after 17 years of being one of two

is now simply one

and confessed to feeling the deep loneliness of being one

with the wondering

if

God will indeed be enough ........

having already lost one friend a few months ago

to the darkness in that wondering

this grabbed my attention

as well as my heart

the answer has to be discovered

by the one asking the question

trite words

quoting scripture

just does not cut it

interesting that no matter how deep

and solid

and rich our faith

that question survives

and will periodically bubble up to the surface

there was also the question

of whether our worship

leaves God still hungry

and then there was Brother B

an 80 year old gentleman from the southern states

invited to this city to pray for someone very ill

Brother B believes he carries a healing anointing

and that whoever he lays hands on, is healed

his belief is that cancer is a spirit

and that this spirit invades our body

through an opening we create

by having a death wish

to say this generated some discussion

is an understatement

hearts were laid on the table

fears were laid on the altar

worship filled the room

stomachs were filled

bodies were hugged

hands were held

cheeks were wet with tears

and my prayers are that God's appetite too was satisfied

wind moment

as I prepare for our community gathering this afternoon

my thoughts keep returning

to the moment

earlier this morning during worship

when the fresh cool wind of the Spirit

caressed my face

so surprising

so comforting

so encouraging

so life birthing

so absolutely amazing

like the unexpected rains of spring

in the midst of a desert

it is true

you will find what you seek

and if you seek God

He will be found

shabbat moment

yesterday, at sundown, I was invited to gather
with some of another community
for a Shabbat dinner

it was very lovely

filled with ritual and symbolism
with roots going back into the ages

because the Jews refuse to work on the Sabbath
the Shabbat
the meal begins at sunset the evening before

after the mother of the household
covers her head out of respect
while speaking thanks and blessing to God
she lights two white candles
which have been placed on the table

these speak to God
we would say Jesus
bringing light into the world

these two white candles
are not to be blown out
but are allowed to burn all evening
until they are finished

the father of the household speaks a blessing over his wife

the mother then speaks a blessing over her husband

the couple then jointly speak blessings over each of their children
and over their guest

there is the cup of wine
signifying the goodness of the Lord
Who gives us physical and spiritual drink
to satisfy the body and soul

this is passed around for each to take a drink

there is the challah bread
made of three strands
covered with a white cloth
signifying manna from heaven

the bread is blessed
broken
and passed around for each to take a piece

and then there is the meal
with its aroma and abundance

and then a time of giving thanks

“when you have eaten and are full,
then you shall bless the Lord your God
for the good land He has given you.” Deut 8:10

after the meal
words from the Torah were shared
along with the struggles of Israel
past and present

some things I noted

there are 2 loaves of bread
enough

so that no work would be required the next day

there are always an extra chair or two
around the table
this community expects strangers to
come through their door on the eve of Shabbat
as it is not good to be alone

the Jews have discovered the wonders of blessing
of speaking blessings
there is an extreme tenderness
when words of blessing are spoken
and received

there is much beauty and power in this community
and I came home very well fed
physically
spiritually
emotionally
relationally

and although by myself this
Shabbat day
I am not alone

Be careful not to blow out your candle
or anyone else’s

Shabbat shalom

touch moments

One of my delights in this season are the days spent
in a very special community made up of
severely challenged adults

these men and women are physically
emotionally
and mentally challenged

these are the ones we used to call handicapped

some have been languishing
since birth
never knowing the love of a parent
the hug of a mom
the “well done” of a dad
the “I love you” of anyone

and it is from these ones
that I learn so much

today was my first afternoon
with a young woman
who had only recently arrived into this community

unable to speak
or see
or walk
or hear
unable to even feed herself

I wondered how I would communicate

and I remembered Jesus
how He sat down, to make Himself lower
how He asked for a drink, revealing His vulnerability

and so I sat at her feet
and gently rested my head against her knees

and we remained quiet together for quite awhile

slowly
ever so gently
her hand touched my shoulder

like the fluttering of a little bird
she would touch and then quickly withdraw

after some time
she stopped withdrawing
and although unable to see
she seemed intrigued by the texture of my sweater

for some strange reason
on this day of all days
I had chosen to wear an angora like sweater
very soft and feathery

I waited a bit and then
moved slightly to
place my hands alongside her face
on her cheeks

and when she did not recoil
I very very tenderly
drew her close
until her face lay against my sweater

she rubbed
she snuggled
she sniffed
and then she wept
agonizingly
from deep within

and I held her until the tears stopped

and although not one word was said
we communicated just fine

once again, it was the touch that spoke
and it spoke loudly

and as I was leaving
the staff told me it was the first time
this silent lady had reacted to anyone or anything in years

touch someone today

clay moments

I went to the pottery studio yesterday to bury my hands in clay.

I centered a gray, shapeless lump on the wheel and as my hands started to go into the foundations of the clay I heard the Word of God.

When you were in your mother's womb, I knew you and loved you.
You are beautifully and fearfully made.
I know your destiny, and I know your birthright. Your form was not hidden from Me. Your name is written on the palm of My hand.

As I pulled up the walls on the pot, I heard Him saying
I will shape you and pull up your walls, almost to the breaking point, but I know who you are. I know your shape; I know your form. I know your function. My fingerprints will be seen on you. I will never leave you or forsake you

To keep the clay soft and malleable, it became necessary to add some drops of water and I began to see that during the times when the clay of me feels very dry and is about to crack, the Master Potter Himself bends near and softens me with His tears.

It is His foot that governs the speed of the wheel. It is His Hands that keep me centered. It is His fingers that dig deep pushing and prodding until He is satisfied.

I finished and carried the pot to the burning, blazing ovens. I have always been fascinated with the processes that fire has on the pots and the colors of the glazes and now began to wonder how it will look when the fire of God is released on the clay vessels in churches, when the blazing fire of God ignites hearts, when the refiner’s fire comes and burns out our faults and imperfections, when the fire of holiness and refreshing comes.

And would we welcome that fire or flee from it …………
Will we allow ourselves to be gently, carefully and lovingly placed in the fiery oven of His Presence.

February moments

I have been thinking of David

walking in the midst of his people

and yet never being recognized as their king

simply because he smelled of sheep

also am recognizing

that simply washing the feet of those around me

breaks every bone in my body

and then I attempted to bring down a pot of ivy

from the shelf
where it had been thriving

so that I could wipe the dust off the leaves

(yes, I clean once a year whether or not the house needs it

but then
I also have been known to make scrambled eggs for dinner)

one stem of the ivy

with huge green healthy leaves

was climbing up the wall

complete with little feet

that had actually attached

and become embedded into the paint

it took some effort to pull them free

so, here was this plant

alive

green

growing

and thriving

but attached to something it shouldn't be

and all this made me think

of why and when and how

we attach ourselves to people

or ministries

or ideas

or hopes

or dreams

and how hard is it to detach

if discovered the attachment is not appropriate

and even when there is evidence of life

and growth

the necessity of checking out

where our feet are planted

what our toes are curled around

and I am so grateful

to be attached to the cross
with the tendrils of my being

I know
kind of weird thoughts
but then
this is the first day
I have been alone for months
and it is February after all
and I have a whole week
to be alone ....