elusive moments

there are secrets inside my heart

ponderings and words of thought

private paintings of grace and beauty
secret colors that none can see

Holy things

things meant only for You to see

there are songs no one else will hear
I try to catch them
but they disappear

elusive moments of great wonder
passing beyond me

sounds of silence
in the still of the night

symphonies of great delight

fleeting glimpses of a time
that still is beyond

there are secrets inside my heart

Holy things between You and me

day fifteen moment

prepare my heart Father
to study the scourging
of this man Jesus

to watch a fountain of blood pour forth
to walk in communion with Jesus through these sufferings

all covering removed
exposed
vulnerable
defenseless
pushed naked to his knees
arms tied above his head

2 soldiers

2 whips
leather straps embedded with sheep bone
lead balls hanging at the end of each strip

and with the crack of whip against flesh it begins

the first soldier tires
the second carries on

skin now broken
blood flowing

and this horror only stops at the hurried sudden order of Pilate

Jesus collapsed
silent in the ropes

forced to stand
once again on the platform
too disfigured now to look at

Pilate challenges the crowd to look
to see

demons dance

Father weeps
for although He could, He won't

bearing grief
carrying sorrow
esteemed not
stricken
smitten
afflicted
crushed
pierced
bruised

scourged

and I see myself through the gaping wounds on His back

it is not so simple
so easy
to know the fellowship
of the sufferings
of this man Jesus

day fourteen moment

Jesus now pushed up the steps
onto the platform

the battered prisoner
in a royal robe
positioned so everyone could see him

compromising to appease the priests
Pilate proclaims Jesus innocent
yet orders him scourged before being released

this causes a stirring from within the crowd
a rumbling roar

two men
this man Jesus
and Barabbas

Pilate asks of the crowd
which one

the crowd decides

Barabbas is a free man

Jesus stands alone
bruised
weary
deserted by those who promised
they would never leave him
never deny him
alone
and Pilate sends Him to the floggers

the prisoner
guilty
deserving of death
set free

while the One
innocent of all crimes
prepares for the cross

day thirteen moment

it is yet morning
and this man Jesus
now has not slept for at least 24 hours

does his head throb from the night's beating
do his feet falter
is he tired of the pushing and prodding
of the noise of the crowd

and as he approaches Herod
does he think of his cousin John
beheaded to appease this man's incestuous wife

and Herod
what des he think when he sees this man Jesus
dirty
bloody
bruised
bound

Herod peppers Jesus with questions

Jesus is silent

again it is the priests who call out the charge

mockingly
scornfully
the robes of a king are draped over the bloodied shoulders of Jesus

Herod soon becomes bored
and passes Jesus back to Pilate

mocked and ridiculed
Jesus remains silent

how did he do it
what sustained him
what was he thinking
what was he feeling

he didn't perform
and so was scorned

and how often have I disdained his presence
for something more tangible
something to satisfy my senses
rather than sear my soul.

day twelve moment

"you do not understand Christ
until you understand His cross"
P.T. Forsyth

morning

the streets filled with worshipers
some of whom stop and stare
and once again
Jesus is a spectacle
some even forsake worship
to satiate their lust for the bizarre

whose faces does Jesus see
and what does He see on those faces

when he catches their eye
do they offer silent support
or turn away embarrassed

Caiaphas calls for Pilate
Pilate tries to turn away

rid himself
avoid
and yet is curious

who is this man Jesus

from the mouth of Jesus
"I came to speak the truth"

from the mouth of Pilate
"what is truth anyway"

and Pilate passes Jesus on to Herod

the Lord of the Sabbath
physically weak
exhausted
again silent

where are his defenders
Nicodemus
Joseph
the disciples

where would I have been

where religion instead of worship is given free reign
its end is always murder

lessons learned moment

two things I learned Sunday
yesterday ......

one - never put off cleaning your oven
two- the beauty of receiving a touch

Saturday afternoon
while thinking of our Sunday gathering 'round the table
and baking the bread for communion
I noted my oven needed cleaning .......
but thinking that no one but me would see it
planned to deal with this particular monster later .......

as it turned out
I was not able to be around my own table
and it was others who saw my dirty oven .............

and it was still others
who literally held my hand for hours
rubbed my feet
sang over me
prayed for me
during the medical efforts
to ease the effects of the earthquake in my body

I have known now for a long time
the beauty in being able to touch
but now I know the life that is birthed
when receiving a touch

and so
although somewhat different
I learned much in "church" yesterday

tumbling moment

even before one eye opened
I could feel it
tumbling
swirling

but when awake
was unprepared for the total madness of it all
tornado
hurricane
earthquake
all in one
and it would not stop

intensity of pain

the what’s
and the why’s

nothing to hang on to

please Jesus
make it stop

if I can only find and touch
the hem ………..

pain
like a sledge hammer

where You my God?

and even yet
it lingers ………

like the haunting echo
of a nightmare

day eleven moment

"you will understand that spitting scene
the night when God lets you
see your own heart."
Alexander Whyte

every event leading to the cross
revealed a letting go of something that was rightfully His

"he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death,
even death on a cross" Philippians 2:8

Caiaphas confident
Jesus weary
Caiaphas calling for testimony
Jesus silent
Caiaphas demands an answer
Jesus' response: I AM

chaos ensues
spit lands on the face of God

those who would strike Him
cover His eyes to strike in that darkness

taunts
jeers
spit
slaps

and the silence of Jesus
screams throughout eternity

dawn

Judas tries to return the silver that burns his hands
no one will relieve him of the thirty pieces

although still breathing
now dead
he hangs himself
from a tree

while another tree
awaits this man Jesus

I can only be silent in my sorrow
as I ponder what it must be like
ridiculed
spit upon
face swelling with each slap
bleeding
falling

yet not uttering one word

my heart is filled with the salt of unshed tears
as tears are too trivial for the torment He endured

door moment

all that many ever find
is only a wall where a door ought to be
they creep along the wall like blind men
with outstretched groping hands
feeling for a door
knowing there must be a door
yet they never find it

so I stand by the door

the most important thing I can do
is take hold of one of those blind groping hands
and put it on the latch

people die outside that door
others live on the other side of it
live because they find it, open it, walk in and find Him

so I stand by the door
and watch for the frightened, the blind
the ones who have not yet found the door
or the ones who want to run away

and I am content
to stand by the door

day ten moment

"at Calvary the naked truth is staring down at us all the time from the cross
challenging us to drop the pose and own the truth"
Roy Hession

John, the beloved, dares to draw close
sees the tightening ropes
the bleeding lip
the swollen face

Peter
in blind denial
tries to blend in with a crowd
loyalty abandoned for personal safety
and yet still desiring to be near
he seeks the shadows

but there is a moment
while dragged to Caiaphas
the eyes of Jesus lock onto the eyes of Peter

Peter's denial burns in his heart
like the kiss of Judas burned the cheeks of Jesus

and I consider
is it always easy for me to return the gaze of this man Jesus

how often do I too follow
only at a distance

how many times have I denied
causing tears of regret to fall like a curtain
between my eyes and His

day nine moment

was there no one
not one
in the mob who looked at him
really looked at him

did no one see His eyes brimming with tenderness
or the lines of sorrow etched on his face

Jesus dragged into town
in the darkness
to the gates of the impressive looking Castle Antonia

so representative of our form of religion
the rules and regulations that have replaced relationship

once again
it is the priests who scream all the demands

taken before Annas
passed onto Caiaphas

pulled by a rope around the neck like a dog
as entertainment for the religious elite

yet
there was never a moment
when this man Jesus did not choose his own path

my ears fill with the echo of each stinging slap
I stagger under his pounding heart
his swelling cheek
knowing that I, too, am one pulling on the rope
my sins slapping his beautiful face

day eight moment

Matthew 26:56
"then all the disciples left Him and fled"

and my prayer for this day is:
Jesus, nail my heart to your feet

Jesus touches the face of Judas saying
"friend, do what you came to do"

religion is always found at the very front of the mob
and the mob always gathers under the cover of darkness

Judas recoils, confused by the permission to betray

the disciples, stunned, shocked

Peter slices the air and an ear with his sword
his weapon of choice

Jesus kneels and restores
then looks into the eyes of his friends
searching for a sign they understand
that they realize this is the way it must be

it is the priests who give the order to grab and bind

then it is his friends
every
single
one
who leave him and run away

once again
he is alone

although used to solitude
this time is very different
this time
it is the end

and I ponder what it is to be alone
truly alone
no one to call
no place to go
abandoned by those I love

Jesus must walk through this valley of shadows alone

and I feel the pain of his abandonment in my gut

it is the cross that carved the love of this man Jesus on my heart

nail my heart to your feet, Jesus.

day seven moment

"Even so, with the meekest of gestures,
has the war for the world been engaged with a kiss.
And the kiss has a tooth.
And the snake that struck the Lord has a back of fire
and a body of human opinion."
Walter Wangerin

to betray someone is to be false or disloyal

have I been false
disloyal
to God
to another

what is my day to day capacity to betray Christ

Judas
in the dark of the night
at the front of the crowd
furtive
nervous
urged on by ...........
the priests

Jesus reveals Himself
offering the one who would betray
a chance to quietly walk away

instead
he kisses
one cheek
and then the other

is there a particular burn to that kiss

did Jesus kiss Judas back
did He
just for a moment
hold Judas close

Judas could have simply pointed a finger
but he drew near
kissed
and then was pierced by the question

"Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?"

how would it feel to be betrayed with a kiss

and how often have my lips burned that same face
with disloyalty

how many times have I reached for His touch
and yet held my heart at a distance

how I long to say I will never betray You

but
He knows my heart

the road away from His side is a desperate one
even then
He holds me close

who is this man Jesus

day six moment

a death more painful than the physical death on the cross -
the death of the will

Matthew 26:46
"get up - let us be going
behold
the one who betrays me is at hand"

and it was with these words He awoke those who were asleep
His friends who were unaware of the blood soaked earth in the garden

and I hear these words
and consider not the actions of those who were there
but my response were I there -
my response to those words today

will I follow Him all the way to that final hill
how close will I stay
will I turn away or turn back
will I at any point deny

first moments

yesterday there were a few firsts

a first time in many years attending a different fellowship
not as a speaker
or simply to encourage
or having been asked to "do" something
but simply attending
looking for a place
to listen to my God

and then with our 'round the table community
we all joined in our first tenebrae service

we came together mid day as usual
worshiped, ate, laughed, cried,
worshiped, ate, laughed, cried
all centered on and rooted in the Word

because of the numbers now
eating in shifts is the norm
and so it is that there is constant worship
constant laughter
constant conversation
constant touching

and we were blessed by the sounds of a new instrument
and also by the one who sat quietly with her paints at an easel

and as the outside light faded
we joined together in a tenebrae service

tenebrae is a latin word meaning shadows
the purpose of a tenebrae service to recreate the emotional aspects of the passion

it is not a happy service: the occasion is not a happy occasion

sometimes this service takes place on Good Friday
but as we had determined as a community
to discover and experience deeply over forty days
the passion with its surrounding events
this was our way of entering this season

we had communion together
then turned out all the lights

30 readings from scripture had been prepared
and distributed during the week -
these scriptures had all been meditated upon
different ones chose a reading ........

in our centre was the table
with 30 candles surrounding a large white burning candle
all lit

as each one read their passion scripture
a candle was extinguished
until only the one white center candle was burning

then Psalm 22: 1-18 was read
and the remaining candle put out

leaving us in darkness

not a word was spoken
not a note was sung

in deep deep silence
people left one by one

the purpose of the service fulfilled
recreating the betrayal
abandonment
and agony of the events

leaving it unfinished
because the story is not over
until the tomb is emptied

day five moment

immersed in a sea of sorrows

and also in a sea of love

deep suffering

unfailing devotion

"if we are looking for a definition of love,

we should not look in a dictionary, but at Calvary"

John R Stott

weakened by the battle in the garden

Jesus sees his friends asleep

and still he loved them

knowing their confusion and fearing in the days to come

in the midst of his agony, he thought of them

and still he calls

watch and pray

moment by moment

day by day

watch and pray

day four moment

"organized religion has domesticated the crucified Lord of Glory

turned him into a tame theological symbol.

Theological symbols do not sweat blood in the night"

Brennan Manning

his face pressed into the soil of the garden he once breathed into being

his body shaking in the violence of the struggle

writhing

groaning

pleading for some other way

and yet

loving his father

fighting the darkness in his desire to obey

his father's outstretched hand holding a cup

a cup filled with a nauseatingly filthy poison called sin

the stench overwhelming

churning through the garden like a tornado

churning the body, soul and spirit of this man Jesus

causing his blood to stain the ground

his father watches

his friends sleep

the world cares not

and what would I see of myself

if I dared to look deep into that cup

Abba

Father

day one, two and three moments

March 01, 02, 03

Gethsemane has a powerful effect on me ………

I am stunned by a God who can break down like me,
a God pleading and almost losing control

I am assaulted and unsettled by Christ’s agony in the Garden
it is much easier to rush pass this and rejoice in the
“not my will but yours”
but
there is blood oozing from the pores of this man Jesus
He is in agony
deep trauma takes place in the garden
he is terribly terribly alone

the garden was a familiar place to Jesus
(Luke 22:39 …………as was his custom)
the olive trees heavy with fruit
during harvest season these olives are crushed until the oils are released

this is a place of crushing

Jesus will soon have his breath pressed from him

but this night he is alone …….

His friends sleep

a lost and dying world totally ignorant of his struggle
unaware of the price soon to be paid

consumed by sorrow

this man Jesus is deeply grieved
to the point of death
(Mark 1:34)

God struggling with a pain that threatens to undo him
a pain that causes his body to shake

God smothering in sadness

waves of emotion crash into Jesus
threatening to drown him

he mourns
while life goes on around him

for the first and only time
he asks for help
from his friends

he asks for so little
yet they cannot give it

they cannot stay awake for one hour

twice he asks
twice they fall asleep

and he is left with his father
it is only his father who is awake
only his father shares the impact of his lonely pain

and what is my role in his loneliness
how often have I fallen asleep

he asks so little of me
simply to love him

in my spirit this night
I offer him a shoulder
upon which to weep

as I choose to remain
and keep watch

struggling moment

once tasting and then forever after desiring sobornost

a restlessness grows within

a continual looking

a holy dissatisfaction

a wondering

in the seeking the path where there is no trail

and discovering once again

the importance of being whole

the necessity of packing light for the journey

taking the time to forgive

and seek forgiveness

to listen

to touch

to discern

drawing very close to the One

whose footsteps lead the way

there is a wounding that can come in deep disappointment

there is a sadness in the wondering why

and to be completely honest

some fear in the thought of even trying again

and in the angst of all this

I am reminded:

"When we have been wounded by the church,

our temptation is to reject it.

But when we reject the church

it becomes very hard for us to keep in touch with the living Christ.

When we say, "I love Jesus, but I hate the church,"

we end up losing not only the church but Jesus too.

The challenge is to forgive the church.

This challenge is especially great because the church seldom asks us for forgiveness,

at least not officially.

But the church as an often fallible human organization needs our forgiveness,

while the church as the living Christ among us continues to offer us forgiveness.

It is important to think about the church not as "over there"

but as a community of struggling, weak people of whom we are part

and in whom we meet our Lord and Redeemer. "

Henri Nouwen

and a wondering if

it is I who must offer forgiveness

to the church

for having unfair expectations

of the church

but

if it were not possible

why would Jesus cry for it

and my heart is filled with the salt of His tears

toe stubbing moment

Lent

usually a time of giving something up

already committed to a 40 day fast

I have been pondering the giving something up
and have come to the conclusion that it will not be a giving up

but more an allowing to happen that has been chosen for me this season

and in that allowing to happen

there will be a giving up

it is interesting that this is the season that is centered around the cross
a season where there must be death
before there can be life

a season when Jesus laid down His will
for the will of Another

there is a particularly unpleasant jarring jabbing pain in the stubbing of a toe

and for a few years now I have been stubbing the toe of my heart

against a door that is trying to shut

I believe it is time for me to remove my toe and allow the door to close

I have not been enjoying the pain

but until now have felt the pain of a stubbed toe

was preferable to the pain of the closed door

there is a fearful wondering in my heart how the sound will feel as the click is heard
in the knowing that it is pressure against a door
a deliberate action
that causes the shutting

there is a whooshing, a pushing of air, as a door is shut
I must carefully position my heart so that I will not stumble or fall in the whoosh

but I am tired of stubbing my toe

one walks with a limp with an injured toe
making it difficult to keep balanced
making it easy to lose sight of the path
because all attention is focused on the pain of the injury

I am tired of stubbing my toe

the pain of it has become too familiar