day thirty-three moment

"as you gaze upon the cross
and long for conformity to him
be not weary or fearful
because you cannot express in words
what you seek.
Ask him to plant the cross
in your heart.
Believe in him
the crucified and now living one
to dwell within you
and breathe his own mind there."
Andrew Murray

there are mysteries I will never fully understand
concerning the death of Jesus on the cross
all I can do is place my heart
at his feet

6 hours now have slowly crept by

his back raw meat
his face ghastly
bruised
mangled
rivulets of dried blood

with a huge struggle
he lifts himself

FATHER, INTO YOUR HANDS I COMMIT MY SPIRIT
Luke 23:46

all the air in his lungs exhaled
his body collapses
Jesus Christ bows his head
gives up his spirit
and is gone

from the father
he came into the world

to the father
he returns

demonstrating his complete control over his own destiny

even as his body was shrieking in pain
he cried out with strength and power and joy
offering his spirit back to the father
from whom he had come

my heart wept with him
and now I rejoice in his joy at going
to his father

I look at the cross
and see my own sins
stained with his life's blood.

day thirty-two moment

every eye now on Jesus
death is imminent
the priests maintain a detached vigil at his feet

and then the cry

IT IS FINISHED

can he hear his father proclaiming once again

"this is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased"

IT IS FINISHED

the task is complete

the soldiers stop and stare
satan gloats
demons dance

by one man sin entered the world
by one Man the gift of eternal life can be freely given
to all who will believe

IT IS FINISHED

at a great cost
and I am redeemed
so that I might live in the circle of his love
for eternity

day thirty-one moment

"he knows your weakness
he wants only your love
wants only the chance to love you"
Mother Theresa

the darkness begins to recede
four soldiers standing apprehensively near the cross

Jesus
in the eye of suffering's terrible storm
finds a place of rest

death is near
a sense of completion settling in his soul

dehydrated
he can only mouth the words

I AM THIRSTY

is it physical thirst
or a thirst on behalf of a lost world.

a soldier offers a sponge soaked in cheap wine
the priests laugh derisively

the celebrations of Passover come to an end
families have broken bread
sacrificed their finest lambs to Yaweh

and on a hill
outside the city gates
the Lamb of God
finally
fully
offers himself
as the ultimate sacrificed

the One who longs to give living water
to all who want to drink

cries

I AM THIRSTY

and I so long to run to him with a cool glass of water
as he did for me when my soul
dwelled in a dry and barren land

and all I can do
is offer a cup in His Name

day thirty moment

Amos 8:10
"............ and I will make it like a time of mourning
for an only son
and the end of it will be like a bitter day"

thick darkness
air reeking of hopelessness
sweeping depression
silent despair

Jesus writhing in agony
his contorted face grotesque in the midday blackness

Matt: 27:46
"about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice

ELI ELI LIMA SABACHTHANI

is his hope completely obscured by the darkness
of the sin he now carries

there is no answer to his cry
is he pierced anew by such rejection

from Gesthemane until now
God the Father has refused to intervene

and then suddenly
for no apparent reason
the sky begins to lighten
and God the Father weeps great sobs
shaking the heavens with his grief

mercy triumphs over judgment
love restrains the Almighty
the price is paid
by the Son who dies
and the Father who could save him but does not

Father God
I have rarely thought of your pain in watching your son die
but you were there
you did not leave
you stayed
you watched
you wept
and you did nothing
I am so unworthy o such love
and can only ponder your mercy

day twenty-nine moment

"were you there when they crucified my Lord
sometimes it causes me to tremble
tremble
tremble"
traditional spiritual

my heart rests in His presence
as I contemplate the cross
as I wonder at the scope of what it meant for Christ
to drink in all the sin of the world

He has a cup yet to drink
the final dregs of sin's poison yet await

the sky completely black
as if the sun has disintegrated
the people bewildered
stumbling
panicky

does Jesus remember when the earth was formless
and void
and darkness hovered over

does he long to shout "let there be light"
and end this noontime terror

hot and muggy
yet the soldiers shake with a chill

with every second Jesus swallows more sin
disobedient deeds
lustful stares
evil longings
acts of hatred
every sin perpetrated
and yet to be committed
flows like a poison into his very soul
until he reaches the dregs of the cup
the teeming waters of depravity
like a disease infested swamp
and he who has never known sin becomes sin

darkness oozing in and around him
and the light of the world is extinguished for a few hours
on a hill named Calvary
this day when darkness fell upon all the land

and I am very frightened by the thought of such darkness
I cannot comprehend how he was able to drink such a cup
and yet I know that if he had stopped short of even one final drop
I would dwell forever in the hopelessness of a dark night

day twenty-eight moment

"whenever anything disagreeable or displeasing happens to you
remember Christ crucified and be silent"
John of the Cross

today I think of Mary
of her life as Jesus' mother
and simply wish to be with her at the cross
as she sees her son crucified

"woman behold your son"
John 19:26

although cloudless
the Jerusalem sky darkens
the weight of the air settling on those remaining
along with a sense of inexplicable dread

Jesus
slowly strangling by the air he cannot exhale
can only pant
short
sharp
breaths

there is one who captures his gaze
who captivates his heart
this one leaning on John

what does he feel
as his eyes lock
with those of this woman
who bore him in her own body

does his heart break

Mary
crying quietly
reaches toward his face
refusing to take her eyes from her son

"woman, behold your son"

and to John

"behold your mother"

and the eyes of Jesus close

Jesus
brought into the world with the shame of illegitimacy
taken from the work with the shame of crucifixion

darkness descends
demons begin their premature celebration
God's chosen vessel suffers her own unique pain

Jesus
give me the courage to pray as your mother did
"be it done unto me according to your word"
and when I waver
let me remember nothing I can suffer
can ever compare with the agony you faced on Golgotha's hill.

day twenty-seven moment

"when the true meaning of the crucifixion dawns upon us
then the whole sordid bloody painful death
shall make us tremble before its glory"
Ben M Herbster

"Jesus hath now many lovers of his heavenly kingdom
but few bearers of his cross ........
many follow Jesus unto the breaking of bread
but few to the drinking of the cup of his passion"
Thomas a Kempis

drunken soldiers
pious priests
sordid onlookers
the One is quiet

the sky starts to swallow the midday sun

one of the three feels hope slipping away
and terror closing in
the other speaks the Name
Jesus
and the One speaks the reassuring words
"today you shall be with me ......."
opening the door to the garden of God's presence
to let one sinner in

the sky grows gray
the crowds begin to leave
the soldiers settle into their drunkenness
the priests remain proud, haughty
filled with righteous contempt for the One
hanging near death

awakening moment

it is amazing
that on this day
March 31
I have been able to work in the garden

carefully picking up the dead
and uncovering life

and it is so very good
to see the abundance of life

even the pond has resurfaced
after kicking off its blanket of ice

one dead fish came floating up
but all in all
I am strengthened by the newness
the green
the awakening

and I recall that it was March 23, 2003
in the lane by the church
the one
who lost her way

and thinking she was warm
lay down in the snow
to sleep
and never awaken

and it was at that time
I put some words on paper
in her memory

her name meant
beloved of the cross

and I am reminded again of
how it was the thinking she was warm
and thus safe
that enabled her to sleep

and how deceived she was

words in scripture
tell of the lukewarm church
and how they were deceived
in their warmth

there is an importance
of not being deceived
into thinking I am in a place of safety
in a position of warmth

and all this brings me strength
to take the step
that needs to be taken

Jesus marked the path
with drops of His blood

The Hand of the Gardener

I began to stir in the pulling
the uncovering
by a Hand so gentle

at first I did not welcome the awakening
in the cold I had fallen asleep
lulled into feeling warm
I slept in iciness

hidden under a blanket of hopes and dreams
that had slowly
like the used up leaves of fall
dropped one by one to the ground

until in my nakedness
with nothing left to offer
I slept
into death

then the Hand of God
pulling at the covering of what had been
frozen in the tears of not understanding
encrusted with scars of rejection

eyes swollen shut in silent anguish
fists clenched in the pain of despair
feet bloodied from traveling stony ground
muscles cramped in the smothering of tradition

I tried to withdraw
to sink deeper into my sleeping death
only to be thawed in a shower of His tears

fearfully, hesitantly
daring to stretch from beaten down to erect
I began to grasp at the warmth of the Son
as icy death melted in the heat of His breath

roots dormant for so long
in the darkness of this drawn out season
twitched
and reached towards Life

things are not as they seemed
what was dead has life

for such a time as this

March 23, 2003

figuring it out moment

at last
I think I finally have an analogy
that I can wrap my head around

there is a divorce
the dad
the head of the family leaves

although lots of whispering
and wondering
no one is allowed to ask any questions
talk about what happened
or even about what led up to it

the family is still together
just no dad around the table

a visiting "uncle" arrives
just for awhile
to help bring some stability to this floundering family

suddenly
the visiting uncle
has moved in
unpacked his bags to stay
and it is evident this never was a visit

and the family feels somewhat duped

still no one is allowed to ask questions

now uncle is dad
and the new dad introduces into the family
his plans
his dreams
his goals
but also his pains
past wounds
past failures

and the family starts to feel the pressure
of unfamiliar hands reshaping them
in an unfamiliar way

and I guess I am just one of the daughters
in this now blended family

I still love this family
but the blend doesn't feel quite so comfortable

I don't understand the desire to go bowling
as opposed to sitting 'round the table
and touching one another

and perhaps it is not good to be too comfortable in any case

and perhaps it is time this daughter moved out
and found another table to sit around

the family will still be the family
there will be visits and hopefully hugs

but

I need to start packing my stuff
and look for open arms
and an open door .........

it is not all that easy to pack up
and I must be careful not to take along anything
that I should leave behind

it is important to travel lightly
with open hands
and a soft heart

and I realize I am very tired of moving
I do not like being a vagabond
I think there could be some danger in being a vagabond

day twenty-six moment

today I seek in some way a new revelation of the glory of this Savior
who lay down his life in love.

mocked by the priests
and the elders
Jesus is silent

what can he say
what words would change the evil in the hearts of men
who glory in his humiliation

like a roar
the scorn at Golgotha
reaches the portals of heaven

the savior of the world will not save himself
and let man be damned
to the hopelessness of hell

what kind of love is this
that he would choose to endure each moment of torment

God and Lamb
the great I AM

day twenty-five moment

"Age by age the Lord Christ is crucified
and we too have crowded eagerly to Calvary
and nailed him to the cross
and laughed up into his face
and watched him die
and gone our way well pleased
and much relieved
that we have hustled him out of the way"
A.J. Gossip

"those passing by were hurling abuse at him
wagging their heads
and saying
if you are the son of God
come down from the cross
Matt 27:39-40

rejected by men
precious in the sight of God

mid day
the sun beating down
the Son sweating profusely
dehydrated
shaking with chills
trying to rise up to get air
only to fall down heavily

dislocating a shoulder

tortuous pain

mocking laughter from those gathered 'round
their words like arrows piercing his heart

does he hear them
does he long for a touch of kindness
from someone
somewhere

the One is silent
fighting for every breath

and how often do I too
in my selfishness
stand with the mockers
and completely miss
the eternal significance of his impending death

day twenty-four moment

"above his head
they put up the charge against him
which read
THIS IS JESUS THE KING OF THE JEWS"
Matt 27:37

for a moment
it is quiet
the eyes of the soldiers close as they rest
the eyes of John and the women are on the face of Jesus

his feet press together
in his struggle to raise up

he gasps for air like a drowning swimmer

and then dropping back down
the weight of his body
drags on his outstretched arms
and his face contorts with pain

the priests gather to argue about the words inscribed above Jesus' head

THIS IS JESUS THE KING OF THE JEWS

Jesus is dying
a slow death

the hands that once fashioned the world
now pierced
and nailed to wood

and I can only kneel
bow down
and wash his feet with my tears

what more can I do

day twenty-three moment

"though broadly embraced as a religious icon
the cross descends like a brooding storm
ominous
unsettling"
T. Rhodes

I wrestle with the wounds of Christ
until they become a balm
for my tormented heart
for the smoldering ruins of the holocaust
in my own soul

and can it be
that he
should die
for me

this man Jesus
on the cross

all around him life goes on
oblivious
some stop and stare
some curious
some disturbed
some entertained
yet all oblivious

but for one man and a few women
huddled in silent grief

Jesus
fevered
suffocating

the soldiers
laughing
joking
haggling over his clothes
even to the seamless piece

Jesus
silent

and then

Father forgive them

slips from his swollen lips

and God, the Father nods his head

and yet it is I who stand at his feet
with the soldiers
and the priests
in desperate need of compassion
for I too sealed his fate with my sins

and his voice descends like a gentle rain
on the desert of my heart
held so tenderly
in those nail pierced hands

day twenty-two moment

lifted up to die

when they came to the place called The Skull
there they crucified him
Luke 23:33

4 soldiers approach
the One
stripping away all his clothing
pulling blood and flesh with it

led to the cross beam
Jesus voluntarily lies down
placing his arms across the rough wood
pressing the thorns deeper into his head

open wounds filled with the dust of the journey
the Son of God lays down his life

WHAM

nail pierces through flesh into wood
Jesus moans

WHAM

the 2nd nail
the other wrist

now the wood is lifted up
leaving this man Jesus suspended in mid air
and he is carried thus to the empty stipe

snapped into place
left foot grabbed
placed over the right foot

WHAM

the third nail pierces flesh

searing spasms
tortuous pain

this death is not easy
and will not come quickly
the price is not yet paid for the sins
of a dying world.

Jesus
hanging in the wind and sun
wounds too many to count
and I am irresistibly drawn to his side
I cannot turn away
not now
not ever

day twenty one moment

"I want to recover the truth
that Jesus was not crucified on an altar between two candlesticks
but on a garbage heap
at a crossroads of the world
where soldiers gambled
and cynics talked smut."
George McCloud

they brought him to the place Golgotha
which is translated
place of a skull
Mark 15:22

2 criminals begin to climb the small hill outside Jerusalem's Gennoth gate
the One is still at the bottom
trying to muster enough strength

who named this place

what is this man Jesus thinking as he stumbles the final steps to his death
is there fear of what is to come
is he lonely
is he wondering ............

even so he refuses to drink fully of the offered cup
of sour wine mixed with myrrh
to mask pain and dull the senses

barely a trace passes his lips before he hands it back

does he remember the garden
when he accepted and drank that whole cup

the blood of the lamb soon to be spilled
on an altar fashioned before the foundation of the world.

Jesus suffers outside the gate

how can I ever truly fully appreciate all he endured

for me

and I breathe deeply the aroma of his death
so that it might permeate my heart of hearts

day twenty moment

"when we look at his cross, we understand his love
his head is bent down to kiss us
his hands are extended to embrace us
his heart is wide open to receive us"
Saint Augustine

my heart open
my shoes off
I wait for God to speak

"and they took Jesus therefore
and he went out bearing his own cross"
John 19:17

the road narrow
the city filled with pilgrims

3 prisoners
only one of whom has been beaten and whipped
one in searing pain
walking with blistered feet
fevered
dazed

collapsing on the street
the wood landing heavily on top of him

Simon, simply one of the crowd
ordered to help
the remainder of the way to Golgotha

Simon
an ordinary father
now assisting the Son of another Father

the chilling cries of women fill the air
weeping and wailing for the one who cannot carry his own cross
who are these women Jesus summons enough strength to address
"don't weep for me - weep for yourselves and your children"
the crowd is hushed in their struggle to understand

what does Jesus feel towards those who mourn
and yet will not repent

the pharisees with their phylacteries containing the sacred words of scripture
flank the procession on either side
and the living word of God moves outside the city gates
with only a hill left to climb.

if I were in that street
would I offer to carry his cross
would I wail with the women
would I kneel and offer him a drink
would I look into his eyes and tell him of my sorrow about his suffering

today
I mourn and wail
at the sight of his mutilated back
and pummeled face
knowing I am the reason for his journey
down the via dolorosa
knowing it is the weight of my sin
not the weight of a wooden beam
that hurls him to the ground

I mourn
for what else can I do

day nineteen moment

Jesus walked in penetrating awareness of his death
using his final meal as an object lesson
on the significance of what he was about to do

heaven: a continual exaltation of Christ crucified

the wondrous mystery that
before Jesus burst from the grave
to prove his power
he laid down his life
and poured out his love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"at the head of the procession of life is a thorn crowned man
his pains healing our pains
his wounds answering our wounds
his love taking our sin"
Earl Stanley Jones

contemplating the cross
emotionally
spiritually
physically

they led him out to crucify him
Mark 15:20

there is a hush as Pilate enters
and sees

the prisoner

silent
staring blankly at the ground
rivulets of blood coursing down his face
bruises covering his body
the borrowed cloak ripped from his back
a wooden plank placed across his shoulders

Jesus
already near death
fights to stay alive
his hands lashed to the wood
each step causing the wood to rub
into the open wounds on his back

rough wood
raw flesh

accompanied by the priests

the journey that began in the heart of his father
before creation
has only 650 yards to go
yet for the One whose body screams in pain with every step
it spans an eternity of torment
whose end cannot even be fathomed

surrounded by the sounds of ordinary life
Jesus
beaten
barely able to move
bent under the weight of the wood
led to the slaughter

Jesus
every day you bleed
wounds festering
body falling
while I pay bills and clean house
you take one lonely step after another
while I make phone calls and go shopping
crash through my callous oblivion
pierce my busyness with pangs
of brokenhearted love

day eighteen moment

"thorns it seems always accompany visits to glory.
no one who has walked in Christ's presence
will ever be allowed to strut".
Jamie Buckingham

"............ so his appearance was marred more than any man
and his form more than the sons of man"
Is 52:14

mocked
taunted
jeered

pale
anguished
abused
scorned

Barabbas moves toward freedom

Jesus moves toward Golgotha

crowned with thorns
draped in a captain's robe

alone

blood dripping into his eyes
and running down his battered face

slap
spit
thorns pounded deeper into flesh

silent

who is this man Jesus

day seventeen moment

"the passion should only be written about in tears"
Raniero Cantalamessa

as I silence sounds of the day

CRUCIFY HIM

echoes in my heart
and bounces off the walls of eternity

Pilate again brings Jesus to the platform
in full view of the crowd
this crowd now infected with the gangrene of rumors

and what is this man Jesus thinking
about his accusers
about Pilate and his personal struggle

Pilate literally washes his hands of the outcome
as the mantra of the crowd rises to a fever pitch

"his blood be on us and our children"

your blood is upon me, Jesus
you invite me to come and be cleansed
your blood be on me and in me and over me ....................

day sixteen moment

there is a yearning in my soul
to understand these open gaping wounds
on the back of this man Jesus

this mangled looking man
who can now barely stand

a sobering symbol of religion's power to destroy

Pilate again inquires as to the wishes
the heart
of the crowd

CRUCIFY HIM

fills the air

weakened by the loss of so much precious blood
Jesus staggers under the onslaught of those words

Pilate questions

Jesus' words in answer are few
each one a truth

no one can take his life
he will lay it down

every moment pre ordained by the father
every moment chosen by the son
to bring honor
glory
praise
to the father

Jesus considers the cross an honor

how can I ever understand this love

for me