Dexter moments

I miss Dexter
I miss his laugh
his wisdom
his insight

I miss his friendship

I miss our chats
our walks

I miss his calls
his emails

such a tough week this has been
and today
another funeral

so many words have been spoken
written
heard
this week -
it would be so wonderful to have Dexter's perspective

his perspective was always filled with such genuine care

it is honoring to the man he was
to continue missing him

this land
the soil
with its seeds of hope
is richer for his footsteps

he came from the rock
and has returned to the Rock

and I miss him

deception moment

deception is such a sneaky thing ......
even the wondering about deception
about being deceived
is large and wide and deep
simply wondering can rock one's world ............
all the questions suddenly flare up
all the warnings heard but ignored
were they right?

so easy to lose one's footing in the storm of wondering .........

we are designed for relationship
and perhaps that is why it is such a battlefield

there are some who have a desire to deceive
but there must also be a willingness to be deceived
an acceptance of the deception

I am one who tends to leap into relationships
to immediately embrace another
and invite them into my life
which of course involves trusting
to one degree or another

which is interesting
because trust
is one of my "issues"

and so when it becomes evident
that all is not what it seemed
my tender trust is somewhat shattered and torn
again

in the shredding of that tender ligament
there is pain
and a limp develops as I continue my journey

a limp from the tear
but also a limp from wrestling with God
about trusting ever again ............

I do not believe God desires us to interact with one another
always being suspicious
we are afterall told to simply love our neighbour

and what does that love look like
feel like
sound like
taste like

everything these days boils down to love
or lack of it

silence moment

I am learning to distinguish the different shades of silence
learning how to live in these silences
learning how to love in these silences ...........

learning to listen in the silence between spoken
or written
words
in the silence under the words
in the silence behind the words
even the silence that is sometimes held within a word

learning to hear the Voice in those silences

no matter the words
loving enables me to hear the Voice
and it is in loving I find peace

a pure love is a love released from the fullness of the senses
and from the pursuit of pleasure
giving it freedom to grow in my heart

we are made to love both creature and Creator
but our heart loses its balance too easily when it loves a creature
it holds onto the creature so passionately
that it loses sight of the Creator

pleasure falsifies love like a mask

silence causes the mask to fall away
silence reveals the Creator

wondering moment

last night was our gathering time
an evening set aside
to come together
and worship our King

this time there were four gatherings
all scheduled at the same time
in four corners of our city

one of these corners was across the river
on the Quebec side of our region

this being a technological age
the plan was that we would be hooked up
and thus see and hear each other
as we raised a canopy of prayer and worship
over the land ...........

well, as sometimes happens
the technology end of things failed at times
but the vision remained ...........

this was our final gathering

after eleven years
the vision carrier believed it was time
to place the seed in the ground
and let it rest
to be resurrected
or not
as God chooses

so
for me
having been involved from the get go
it was a difficult evening .............

if ever there was a time to gather the body together
in worship
and prayer
it is now
and yet
so much of the body is not willing
is not desirous
is not yearning
to be with one another

this is not the first seed to be put into the ground
and I suppose it will not be the last
but it all has caused me to wonder

what has happened to us .........

there was a time
when we could hardly wait to come together
we all loved to worship
but it was the worshiping together
losing oneself in the Presence of God
while surrounded by the body

it was a time to hug
sometimes to cry
sometimes laugh
always to touch
and be touched

we loved one another
in our love of God

and now ............

so many are simply too busy .......
too full ..........

we have lost our appetite for God
His Son
and Spirit

our mouths are so full of junk food
we can no longer taste the sweetness of manna

we slake our thirst with fizzy pop
and no longer seek pure living water

flames flicker
in the settling
for the things of the world

my heart is heavy this morning
there is an aching for the body

the living stones no longer cry out .............
will the rocks and trees sing for us ??

and there is this fear in me
that I too will become weary
will settle
will flicker

it doesn't take much of a storm
to douse a flickering flame

where are you, my brothers and sisters
I am not whole without you ........

what has happened to us ............

we look at ourselves
through anorexic eyes
seeing fat
where there is barely skin and bones

what has happened to us ...........

call moments

God's call is mysterious
coming in the darkness of faith
so fine
so subtle
only heard in the deepest silence within
and yet
so decisive
and overpowering
nothing is surer
or stronger

God is always calling
but there are moments in his call
which leave a permanent mark on us
moments which we never forget
moments of awareness of God
moving in the silence of our soul

ask moment

Jesus does not bring us boldly into the kingdom
He asks us
to
follow
Him

morning moment

God, my Creator
source root of my being
I love You
I seek You
You are everything to me
now that I am tainted by sin,
recreate me
renew me
take me back to Your creative embrace
and give me back the aspect You envisaged for me
when You made me
You are the arms in which I have my existance
the root on which I stand
the Whole on which I depend
I am Yours; make me Yours
I cast myself into the abyss of You
I am in You
gather me closer to You
wash what is soiled
bathe what is parched
heal what is bleeding
bend what is rigid
melt what is frozen
straighten what is crooked
God, I love You.

leaking moments

it is interesting .............
the edges of me are becoming blurred
I find myself leaking into others
and allowing them to leak into me

the fine line between me and you
is dissolving

after teaching for years on the importance of boundaries
mine are disappearing
into the sands of my desert walk

and I am OK with it

disfiguring moments

if the world is to see God through me
why do I disfigure His face
with acts or values which are not love

seeking moments

when I was a girl
I looked for God by directing my gaze
toward a light coming from on high

as a teen
I looked for God in those around me

when I grew up
I sought God in a desert

now that I am at the end of my road
I simply close my eyes
and there God is ....
within me ...........

alone moment

surrounded
by 900 or so people this morning
I have never felt so alone .........

this is going to be far harder than I ever imagined ........

prepared moments

one has to be prepared for the desert
and I saw today how God prepared me
then
while I did not yet even understand the word
He led me to the poustinia

and then He opened the door

after a bit
He taught me how it was necessary to close the door
while inside

it is in the desert
where there are moments
the barrier
between the visible and the invisible
can be broken
when one can penetrate beyond the world of things
when the invisible presence is revealed

Carlo moments

a year or so ago while doing some reading
I came across some words written by
Carlo Carretto ......
these words were so stunning
so beautiful
so vulnerable
they almost sang their presence on paper

this man was expressing things in my heart -
I had not the language to speak them
but he did
and I was lost in these words
they wrapped my spirit
my heart
my mind

all I had were little snippets of things he had written
I tried to find his books
they were all out of print I was told
and so I simply continued to devour the little bits I had

a few weeks ago
I "suddenly" came across a website
where one could order Christian books
I tapped into it
and discovered these folks could order
some of this author's books

and two days ago
they arrived ............

I had a housefull at the time
and no quiet moments to sit
until last evening

I have only read the tiniest bit
but am completely wrecked .............

this man
Carlo Carretto
at the age of forty-four
in the midst of "successful"
fruit bearing activities for the church
heard God ask him to give it all up
and come away with Him into the desert

God said He wanted Carlo's love
not his works

when you hear that call
you really have no choice
and so Carlo went into the Sahara

a well intentioned friend
gave him an injection
to protect him medically from some of the desert dangers

unfortunately
an incorrect vial was used
and the injection left Carlo paralyzed in one leg

Carlo's dream
after his time in the desert had been completed
was to serve God in the Alps
working and living alongside the porters
and the climbers
and now
with this paralyzed leg
his dream was also paralyzed

his reaction:

"I won't say it was a misfortune.
I only say that God was able to transform it into a grace.
The thickest cloak that weighed on my misery
and my blindness
God has torn away,
and the nakedness of my wounded flesh
has helped me to recognize
out beyond the veil of mystery,
the nakedness of God"

covering moments

one day last week during a rain storm

we heard

drip

drip

drip

inside the house

and thus learned we had a leak in our roof

after calling a roofer to inspect things

we were a tad shocked

to discover our roof

our covering

was totally shot

we bought this house in a March

with three feet of snow on the roof

and so the house inspector

was never able to see the shingles

there was a disclosure clause that

required the previous owner to speak of any problems

however, the state of the roof was never mentioned ..........

one of the compelling reasons for us to buy this house

was the sterling reputation of the builder

however

we have since learned

that not all his subcontractors shared such a fine reputation

so, although only 12 years old

we need a completely new roof ..........

the shoddy workmanship is only evident from the back of the house:

when looking up from the front

everything appears in fine order ..........

and I see all sorts of spiritual implications in this expensive lesson

firstly, sometimes things are hidden

and these hidden things affect the spiritual coverage

of anyone abiding in a "house".

secondly, it is important to inspect the covering

from all angles

thirdly, even though the reputation might be sterling

one must take the time to dig

and reveal

and expose

and then watch to see how what is exposed is dealt with

or indeed

if there is a willingness to deal with it at all

there have been times I have not paid enough attention

to the state of the "shingles"

of my covering

as in the natural

all the old shingles must be removed

so in the spiritual

there must be a total removal of the previous covering

a complete coming out from under a defective roof

I am grateful to have been reminded of this

before the storms of winter arrive .........

wombed moments

wombed
in
waters
of
grace

washed
in
waters
of
quiet

dancing
to
an
unsung
song

living
inside
His
whisper

each moment

my God never gives me the future
He only gives me the present
moment by moment

how vitally important it is then
that I live fully
completely
wide awake
and at peace
in each moment

silent moment

leaves falling noiselessly
doing a quiet dance while making their way to the ground
no longer quite so full
dressed in such magnificence
do the trees feel their loss
do they mourn the nearing of winter
their still, quiet season
when pregnant with the promise of spring
of life hidden within
they simply stand through a long silence

committed moments

a passing remark by a friend caught my attention ........
he spoke of someone being a committed Christian
and I wondered about that word committed ..........
what exactly does that mean?
what do we base our using it to describe someone on?

I know of some
maybe many
who are so busy doing this, that and the other thing
in the Name of Christ
for the "church"
that being around them makes me feel I am in a whirlwind

there is a certain freneticism about their activities
their very lives

is it approval seeking
affirmation needing
trying to fill an inner hole
a lack of solid certainty about their belovedness

and we look at the outward manifestation
and conclude they are "committed"

perhaps it is we might even strive to match
their "committedness"
so that we too would be considered committed .........

but my wondering in all this
is about the heart

how and where is their heart

I have known for a very long time
that my life is to be a life of prayer

outwardly it seems I am "doing" nothing
and I have been hammered over the head
and pierced right through the heart
more than once
with the scripture
"faith without works is dead"

when younger I felt it was necessary for me to attempt to justify my life
of prayer
and solitude
and contemplation
but fortunately that is no longer the case .........

there is a quiet knowing within my spirit
within my soul
within my body
that allows me to rest and be still

I hear the words of Jesus
when his colleagues came to Him
saying didn't we do this, that and the other thing for You
and He answered with
go away, I don't know you

I for sure do not wish to judge anyone
nor even question
anyone else's commitment

but

is it really necessary to be highly active outwardly
to be
"committed"

or is more the degree of surrender of a heart

what about the ones who chair every committee
teach every class
drive every child
memorize every scripture
and yet have no peace
no love
no mercy
no joy
no tenderness

I heard a pastor say once that
you can go to hell with baptism waters still fresh on your head

I think he probably knew what he was talking about

moment moments

today I began to feel the weight
of the moments of the last three weeks .............
and my first thought was to yell out
ENOUGH!

which meant of course
take it all away
give me a break ............

note the "me" in there

a purely selfish reaction

there has been Ron's medical stuff
entailing 4 trips to emerg in 3 weeks
and more to come
asthma striking with a vengeance in the midst of all that
walking with my brother through the suicide of his wife's son
a leak in the roof
and Jenn's call yesterday about the lump biopsy

it has been a lot
that is the truth
those are the facts

and if I only focus on the "lot"
it weighs me down

but mixed in with the "lot"
there have been moments of pure God
many moments of pure God
many moments of seeing Jesus
hearing Jesus
feeling Jesus

and so
now I have moved away from ENOUGH
to simply saying
thank You

thank You for Your faithfulness
Your kindness
Your provision
Your grace

thank You for life
and for breath

thank You that You hold all our moments
in Your perfectly capable hand

thank You that You know the end from the beginning
and are present in the now

I love You

or moment

head held not quite so high now
the horizon a little closer
arms drooping a bit
body a little bent, gnarled and wrinkled
bared of any outward beauty
the storms
even the most ferocious
have not caused a falling down
externally now seeming barren and finished
within there remains a dance
a song
a beautiful glimmering golden hope
life remains incubated
wombed deep inside
awaiting the freedom of the coming season
a soaring never before known
a living within the colors of the rainbow

a tree

or me .................