Many of the things happening inside of me seemed too shameful to talk about out loud. Laid low by what has happening at (my church) I did not have the energy to put a positive spin on anything ....... beyond my luminous images of Sunday mornings I saw the committee meetings, the numbing routines and the chronically difficult people who took up a large part of my time. Behind my heroic image of myself I saw my tiresome perfectionism, my resentment of those who did not try as hard as I did and my huge appetite for approval. I saw the forgiving faces of my family left behind every holiday for the last fifteen years while I went to conduct services for other people and their families.
Above all I saw that my desire to draw as near to God as I could had backfired on me somehow Drawn to care for hurt things, I had ended up with compassion fatigue. Drawn to a life of servant hood I had ended up a service provider Drawn to marry the Divine Presence I had ended up estranged .... Like the bluebirds that sat on my windowsills pecking at the reflections they saw in the glass I could not reach the greenness for which my soul longed. For years I had believed that if I just kept at it the glass would finally disappear. Now for the first time I wondered if I had devoted myself to an illusion...........
BTB
1 comment:
I sometimes feel like this, but then I think, there is nothing else or no one else worth following. Christ will once again bring a time of refreshment. I always keep an eye on your blog and there have been many times that your words or a posted quote have touched me and ministered to me.
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