Wednesday, August 06, 2008

another email moment

Many of the things happening inside of me seemed too shameful to talk about out loud. Laid low by what has happening at (my church) I did not have the energy to put a positive spin on anything ....... beyond my luminous images of Sunday mornings I saw the committee meetings, the numbing routines and the chronically difficult people who took up a large part of my time. Behind my heroic image of myself I saw my tiresome perfectionism, my resentment of those who did not try as hard as I did and my huge appetite for approval. I saw the forgiving faces of my family left behind every holiday for the last fifteen years while I went to conduct services for other people and their families.
Above all I saw that my desire to draw as near to God as I could had backfired on me somehow Drawn to care for hurt things, I had ended up with compassion fatigue. Drawn to a life of servant hood I had ended up a service provider Drawn to marry the Divine Presence I had ended up estranged .... Like the bluebirds that sat on my windowsills pecking at the reflections they saw in the glass I could not reach the greenness for which my soul longed. For years I had believed that if I just kept at it the glass would finally disappear. Now for the first time I wondered if I had devoted myself to an illusion...........

1 comment:

Gary Wood said...

I sometimes feel like this, but then I think, there is nothing else or no one else worth following. Christ will once again bring a time of refreshment. I always keep an eye on your blog and there have been many times that your words or a posted quote have touched me and ministered to me.