Thursday, December 23, 2010

dwelling moment

I have been pondering
Neh 1:9 this day

specifically the words

"the place I have chosen
as a dwelling for My Name."

and how the Spirit of God
chooses where to dwell

and how
when we pray
"in the Name of Jesus"

we must actually be
the Name
not simply using the Name

to be IN
means to be surrounded by

to be

while being indwelt

being so IN Jesus
so united with Father
so surrendered to Holy Spirit

known as one chosen
"as a dwelling for My Name"

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

inside moment

a ship always sinks
because of the water
on the inside ...........

Monday, December 20, 2010

body moment

the table and all its extensions was full
every chair full
every plate, cup and saucer full

the body came together
to break bread with one another

there was much laughter
a tear or two
some questions
some answers

and songs

there was respect for difference
an honoring of journeys
a willingness to listen
a desire to share

there was loud happiness
and quiet joy

yesterday was wonder-filled

nice moment

niceness masks our tendency to reduce others to replicas of ourselves,
which contradicts the nature of Christian discipleship

Friday, December 17, 2010

joy moment

the most sought after gift
this season

in all the merriment
of parties

in all the laughter
around eggnog

in all the glitter
of tinsel

in all the dashing
of shopping
the splashing
of cooking
the groaning
of over-eating

in all the words spoken

there is little joy
to be found

the joy
that comes from within
that comes from knowing
that comes from being still
that comes from being quiet
and listening

is being sought
in all the wrong places
in all the wrong things
in all the wrong people

the most sought after gift
this season

waiting at the edge of our soul
of our spirit


Monday, December 13, 2010

God moment

there is a
to my God
evident in the moments
of this morning

Sunday, December 12, 2010

together moment

tender moments were spent
over the past 2 days
with a gathering of shepherds
who deliberately chose to ignore
the loud screaming of their agendas
in this season of Christmas busyness
and come away
to be still
to be silent
to listen

at one point I was asked
what I had learned
in this season of my life

and I shared
about the lion
and about the lamb

both of which reside within me

the lion
my adult self
my decision making self

the lamb
my still fearful
needing affection and support self

how I was discovering peace
when allowing the lion
and the lamb
to lie down together

and how I know God
and yet am still very ignorant
how I see
and yet I do not see

Monday, December 06, 2010

shoot moment

the small child of Bethlehem
the unknown young man from Nazareth
the rejected preacher
the naked man on the cross
asks for our full attention

the work of our salvation
taking place in the midst of a world
that continues to shout, scream
and overwhelm us with its promises

but the promise is hidden in the shoot
that springs up from the stump
a shoot hardly anyone notices

a shoot shall sprout from the stump of Jesse
and from his roots a bud shall blossom
the Spirit of the Lord
shall rest upon him (Is 11:1,2)

Friday, December 03, 2010

discovering moment

while at a dinner party last evening
I was seated across the table from a woman
whom I had never before met

she was lovely looking
very elegant

she mentioned that she has 4 children
all married
a flock of grandchildren
and a scattering of great grandchildren
all living within a 3 mile radius of one another

when I commented about what a huge blessing that was
she went on to say that
she and one of her daughters now get together
every Wednesday evening
to go out for dinner and a movie together

and then she said
I am just getting to know my daughter
at her age of 54

my response was
that her daughter is getting to know her mom as well ..........

there was a tender pause
and then this beautiful lady said to me

I think it is time I got to know ..... me ........

this woman has led a privileged life
living in many different parts of the world
raising her family
supporting her husband
and is just discovering
that she lost herself somewhere in that process ........

a wife
a mom
a grandmother
a great grandmother
when all the labels are taken off
there is this uncertainty
a not knowing
who SHE is

and so
she asked if we could meet regularly
if I would help her discover herself

and I thought how kind of God
to arrange all this

this lady
in her winter season
wishes to journey into her own heart
and God wishes her to find Him along the way

Thursday, December 02, 2010

wild moment

a few years ago
I was told I was like a wild stallion
who could not survive in a stall ...........
I needed to be free to be me ..........

then the other day
someone else sent me a note
saying I was like a wildflower
blooming in the crack of a cement driveway ..........

the wildness made me a tad concerned
can one be wild
and not be rebellious?

but as I ponder things
and read scripture
there is a wildness to God
that is very attractive
very appealing
very free ...........

very wild

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

listening moment

while studying scripture over the past few days
I have been struck by how 3 stories
the lost sheep
the lost coin
the lost son
all are really the same story

and because of that
I felt there must be something
in these words I am to see
to understand
to own
and live out

so out came the commentaries
the Greek dictionary open up on line
several translations sidebyside
insight was sought from a friend

I wrote pages of words ...........

and this morning
I realized
I had approached the living words of scripture
as Martha would have

working to understand

when all I really needed
was to sit
as Mary did

sit with the words
and listen

so busy filling my mind with the noise of knowledge
my heart was missing the whisper
the holy whisper

all He is asking
is to fold the wings of my intellect
into my heart
and listen

for that is a far better thing .............

Monday, November 29, 2010

dancing moment

the awakening soul within me
seeks not old mirrors
but rather windows of grace
which let me out of the box of my past
and invite me to dance on it's lid

desert moment

when we go to the desert
three things happen:
the voice of our soul
the voice of our Lord
and the voice of the devil
become very loud
and very clear

suddenly we are in a party of three

it is truly the emptiness of the desert
that helps us come to know
who we really are

Friday, November 26, 2010

ice moment

there was an unusual stillness to the trees this morning
it was only once I got up close
looked carefully
and gently touched
I could see that a thin layer of translucent ice
covered each branch
from tip to trunk

every now and then
a gentle breeze
whispered through

and here and there
this slight movement
caused a branch to
break and fall

what was once alive
now broken
and dead

simply because of a slight increase in weight
a weight the branch was not designed to carry

and this is the way it is with our hearts

almost overnight
a thin layer of ice can form
unseen by most

but this icy weight
can cause a heart to break

and what was once alive

all it takes
is a thin layer ........

Monday, November 22, 2010

figless moment

He was being unreasonable. It was not the season for figs.
I saw him coming towards me, that man, Jesus. And I knew who he was, for he had come that way many times before. Often there had been large crowds with him of people clamouring to hear his every word, jostling one another just to catch a glimpse of him, to touch him. Other times, especially during fig season, small clusters of men or women would stop to rest in my shade and eat my sweet fruit. I heard much animated discussion about him in those days. Truth be told, with all I had seen and heard, I ought to have known better, But when he came towards me, hungry, looking for figs off season, my reaction was two fold. I wanted alternatively to gather my leaves tightly around me to hide my barrenness and to wave my branches wildly at him in protest. How could he be so unreasonable? I was indignant and stung that he would curse me, so unjustly, for my fruitlessness.
But now as I feel the sap drying in me, my leaves curling in the withering heat of the sun, I know that I, not he, was wrong. Was it the season for dancing for the lame man who sat beneath my branches? In the day that Jesus bid him get up and walk, he could have protested, "But Lord, I cannot. I am lame." Rather, he looked t Jesus, obeyed and his legs were made whole.
It was not a season of seeing for the blind man who shouted "Son of David! Have mercy on me!" He had no power of his own to produce sight. But Jesus drew aside his darkness, just as he drew aside my leaves and the man went away seeing.
And what of the story I heard recounted over and over by pilgrims breathless with excitement; the story of that man, three days dead, whom Jesus raised with a word? Tell me this: in the stench of his own decay, bound in grave clothes, can a man hear? Surely of all the rest, he was least able to bear fruit at Jesus' command. And yet, today he lives.
And I die.
What do these men have that I did not? What enabled them to respond to their Maker (surely I knew it even before now, that He is Maker of all) when I did not? Like me, they had no ability of their own to produce the fruit which He commanded. And yet each one of then bore fruit.
It can only be one thing. They knew they were not the source of their own healing, their own fruitfulness. He was. And they looked to and trusted His power, not their own lack. They surrendered to His word, instead of (like me) defending their own weakness. It was He who created in them what they could not create; He produced for them fruit out of season They only bore it, the fruit of His making.
I see it now.
He could have done the same with me.
"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (Jesus as recorded in John 15:4,5)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

present moment

aware for some years now
the importance of being
"fully present"
to others
I am only now
gaining insight
into the importance of being
"fully present"
to myself

listen to my own rhythm
listen to my own silence
listen to my own questions
and hear the question underneath
my questions

when the power was out the other day
I was struck by the difference in the silence
there was a depth
a surrounding
a comfort
in the silence minus the background hum
of all things electrical

there was nothing else that could be done
or heard
or seen
I could only be
fully present
to myself

Thursday, November 18, 2010

connecting moment

a friend dropped in last evening
after a few moments of light talk
suddenly the conversation went deep
very deep
and pondering
and questioning
and confessing

producing a one-ness
a connecting
a joining

the body being the body

we had been close before
but this was new

like a ligament had been formed
connecting bone to bone
heart to heart

there was a fragility
in the vulnerability
that somehow produced a strength

what a privilege it is to be part of the body
what a wonder to be so connected

all while knowing
the connection
the heart to heart
goes horizontally
at the same moment
it goes vertically



Wednesday, November 17, 2010

see moment

I simply
take a moment
open myself to the beauty around me
allow myself to see
and be stunned

Monday, November 15, 2010

kingdom moment

where there is hate,
let there be your love

where there is war
let there be peace

where there is uncleanness
let there be purity

where there is lust
let there be chastity

where there is violence
let there be meekness

where there is vengeance
let there be forgiveness

where there is wealth
let there be charity

where there is terror
let there be tranquility

where there is fear of death
let there be faith

where there is desperation
let there be peace

where there is sin
let there be grace

where there is selfishness
let there be giving

where there is darkness
let there be light

where there is sadness
let there be joy

where there is emptiness
let it be filled

where there is death
let there be life

where there is theft
let there be giving

where there is arrogance
let there be humility

where there is power
let there be caring

your kingdom come

Saturday, November 13, 2010

wean moment

wean me Lord
from need
and want
so I may simply

Friday, November 12, 2010

IS moment

"God is: Jesus is not dead.
Nothing can be going wrong
however it may look
so to hearts
unfinished in
George MacDonald

Thursday, November 11, 2010

thirst moment

thinking about
how a thirst for knowledge
can dry up a spring
of spontaneous passion

causing a garden
to become
a desert wasteland

Friday, November 05, 2010

climbing moment

and so
the call is to
climb up the slope of my history
and throw myself courageously into the midst
of my brothers and sisters

"love your enemies
do good to those who hate you
bless those who curse you
pray for those who treat you badly"

love my enemies
do good to those who hate me
bless those who curse me
pray for those who treat me badly

Thursday, November 04, 2010

midway moment

I am like an immature fetus
midway between my past and future
between things I know
and those I do not know
it isn't a comfortable situation
in fact
it hurts
I suffer from incompleteness
from blindness
from yearning
not yet made whole
not yet seeing clearly
merely flesh that has been God touched

and only God
is the answer to all my questions

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

night moment

there are tears that fall in the night

tears that soak the pillow of pain
of sadness
of loneliness

they come slowly

an admission
an acknowledgement
of a hidden truth

there is a release in the nakedness
a freedom in the vulnerability

the feet of hope
that had lost their dance
begin to move ............
to find a rhythm ......

these tears do not fall unnoticed

there is One who watches
who cares
who extends His arms
and asks

will you dance

with me ?

Friday, October 29, 2010

Dexter moments

I miss Dexter
I miss his laugh
his wisdom
his insight

I miss his friendship

I miss our chats
our walks

I miss his calls
his emails

such a tough week this has been
and today
another funeral

so many words have been spoken
this week -
it would be so wonderful to have Dexter's perspective

his perspective was always filled with such genuine care

it is honoring to the man he was
to continue missing him

this land
the soil
with its seeds of hope
is richer for his footsteps

he came from the rock
and has returned to the Rock

and I miss him

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

deception moment

deception is such a sneaky thing ......
even the wondering about deception
about being deceived
is large and wide and deep
simply wondering can rock one's world ............
all the questions suddenly flare up
all the warnings heard but ignored
were they right?

so easy to lose one's footing in the storm of wondering .........

we are designed for relationship
and perhaps that is why it is such a battlefield

there are some who have a desire to deceive
but there must also be a willingness to be deceived
an acceptance of the deception

I am one who tends to leap into relationships
to immediately embrace another
and invite them into my life
which of course involves trusting
to one degree or another

which is interesting
because trust
is one of my "issues"

and so when it becomes evident
that all is not what it seemed
my tender trust is somewhat shattered and torn

in the shredding of that tender ligament
there is pain
and a limp develops as I continue my journey

a limp from the tear
but also a limp from wrestling with God
about trusting ever again ............

I do not believe God desires us to interact with one another
always being suspicious
we are afterall told to simply love our neighbour

and what does that love look like
feel like
sound like
taste like

everything these days boils down to love
or lack of it

Monday, October 25, 2010

silence moment

I am learning to distinguish the different shades of silence
learning how to live in these silences
learning how to love in these silences ...........

learning to listen in the silence between spoken
or written
in the silence under the words
in the silence behind the words
even the silence that is sometimes held within a word

learning to hear the Voice in those silences

no matter the words
loving enables me to hear the Voice
and it is in loving I find peace

a pure love is a love released from the fullness of the senses
and from the pursuit of pleasure
giving it freedom to grow in my heart

we are made to love both creature and Creator
but our heart loses its balance too easily when it loves a creature
it holds onto the creature so passionately
that it loses sight of the Creator

pleasure falsifies love like a mask

silence causes the mask to fall away
silence reveals the Creator

Sunday, October 24, 2010

wondering moment

last night was our gathering time
an evening set aside
to come together
and worship our King

this time there were four gatherings
all scheduled at the same time
in four corners of our city

one of these corners was across the river
on the Quebec side of our region

this being a technological age
the plan was that we would be hooked up
and thus see and hear each other
as we raised a canopy of prayer and worship
over the land ...........

well, as sometimes happens
the technology end of things failed at times
but the vision remained ...........

this was our final gathering

after eleven years
the vision carrier believed it was time
to place the seed in the ground
and let it rest
to be resurrected
or not
as God chooses

for me
having been involved from the get go
it was a difficult evening .............

if ever there was a time to gather the body together
in worship
and prayer
it is now
and yet
so much of the body is not willing
is not desirous
is not yearning
to be with one another

this is not the first seed to be put into the ground
and I suppose it will not be the last
but it all has caused me to wonder

what has happened to us .........

there was a time
when we could hardly wait to come together
we all loved to worship
but it was the worshiping together
losing oneself in the Presence of God
while surrounded by the body

it was a time to hug
sometimes to cry
sometimes laugh
always to touch
and be touched

we loved one another
in our love of God

and now ............

so many are simply too busy .......
too full ..........

we have lost our appetite for God
His Son
and Spirit

our mouths are so full of junk food
we can no longer taste the sweetness of manna

we slake our thirst with fizzy pop
and no longer seek pure living water

flames flicker
in the settling
for the things of the world

my heart is heavy this morning
there is an aching for the body

the living stones no longer cry out .............
will the rocks and trees sing for us ??

and there is this fear in me
that I too will become weary
will settle
will flicker

it doesn't take much of a storm
to douse a flickering flame

where are you, my brothers and sisters
I am not whole without you ........

what has happened to us ............

we look at ourselves
through anorexic eyes
seeing fat
where there is barely skin and bones

what has happened to us ...........

Friday, October 22, 2010

call moments

God's call is mysterious
coming in the darkness of faith
so fine
so subtle
only heard in the deepest silence within
and yet
so decisive
and overpowering
nothing is surer
or stronger

God is always calling
but there are moments in his call
which leave a permanent mark on us
moments which we never forget
moments of awareness of God
moving in the silence of our soul

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

ask moment

Jesus does not bring us boldly into the kingdom
He asks us

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

morning moment

God, my Creator
source root of my being
I love You
I seek You
You are everything to me
now that I am tainted by sin,
recreate me
renew me
take me back to Your creative embrace
and give me back the aspect You envisaged for me
when You made me
You are the arms in which I have my existance
the root on which I stand
the Whole on which I depend
I am Yours; make me Yours
I cast myself into the abyss of You
I am in You
gather me closer to You
wash what is soiled
bathe what is parched
heal what is bleeding
bend what is rigid
melt what is frozen
straighten what is crooked
God, I love You.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

leaking moments

it is interesting .............
the edges of me are becoming blurred
I find myself leaking into others
and allowing them to leak into me

the fine line between me and you
is dissolving

after teaching for years on the importance of boundaries
mine are disappearing
into the sands of my desert walk

and I am OK with it

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

disfiguring moments

if the world is to see God through me
why do I disfigure His face
with acts or values which are not love

seeking moments

when I was a girl
I looked for God by directing my gaze
toward a light coming from on high

as a teen
I looked for God in those around me

when I grew up
I sought God in a desert

now that I am at the end of my road
I simply close my eyes
and there God is ....
within me ...........

Sunday, October 03, 2010

alone moment

by 900 or so people this morning
I have never felt so alone .........

this is going to be far harder than I ever imagined ........

Thursday, September 30, 2010

prepared moments

one has to be prepared for the desert
and I saw today how God prepared me
while I did not yet even understand the word
He led me to the poustinia

and then He opened the door

after a bit
He taught me how it was necessary to close the door
while inside

it is in the desert
where there are moments
the barrier
between the visible and the invisible
can be broken
when one can penetrate beyond the world of things
when the invisible presence is revealed

Monday, September 27, 2010

Carlo moments

a year or so ago while doing some reading
I came across some words written by
Carlo Carretto ......
these words were so stunning
so beautiful
so vulnerable
they almost sang their presence on paper

this man was expressing things in my heart -
I had not the language to speak them
but he did
and I was lost in these words
they wrapped my spirit
my heart
my mind

all I had were little snippets of things he had written
I tried to find his books
they were all out of print I was told
and so I simply continued to devour the little bits I had

a few weeks ago
I "suddenly" came across a website
where one could order Christian books
I tapped into it
and discovered these folks could order
some of this author's books

and two days ago
they arrived ............

I had a housefull at the time
and no quiet moments to sit
until last evening

I have only read the tiniest bit
but am completely wrecked .............

this man
Carlo Carretto
at the age of forty-four
in the midst of "successful"
fruit bearing activities for the church
heard God ask him to give it all up
and come away with Him into the desert

God said He wanted Carlo's love
not his works

when you hear that call
you really have no choice
and so Carlo went into the Sahara

a well intentioned friend
gave him an injection
to protect him medically from some of the desert dangers

an incorrect vial was used
and the injection left Carlo paralyzed in one leg

Carlo's dream
after his time in the desert had been completed
was to serve God in the Alps
working and living alongside the porters
and the climbers
and now
with this paralyzed leg
his dream was also paralyzed

his reaction:

"I won't say it was a misfortune.
I only say that God was able to transform it into a grace.
The thickest cloak that weighed on my misery
and my blindness
God has torn away,
and the nakedness of my wounded flesh
has helped me to recognize
out beyond the veil of mystery,
the nakedness of God"

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

covering moments

one day last week during a rain storm
we heard
inside the house
and thus learned we had a leak in our roof
after calling a roofer to inspect things
we were a tad shocked
to discover our roof
our covering
was totally shot
we bought this house in a March
with three feet of snow on the roof
and so the house inspector
was never able to see the shingles
there was a disclosure clause that
required the previous owner to speak of any problems
however, the state of the roof was never mentioned ..........
one of the compelling reasons for us to buy this house
was the sterling reputation of the builder
we have since learned
that not all his subcontractors shared such a fine reputation
so, although only 12 years old
we need a completely new roof ..........
the shoddy workmanship is only evident from the back of the house:
when looking up from the front
everything appears in fine order ..........
and I see all sorts of spiritual implications in this expensive lesson
firstly, sometimes things are hidden
and these hidden things affect the spiritual coverage
of anyone abiding in a "house".
secondly, it is important to inspect the covering
from all angles
thirdly, even though the reputation might be sterling
one must take the time to dig
and reveal
and expose
and then watch to see how what is exposed is dealt with
or indeed
if there is a willingness to deal with it at all
there have been times I have not paid enough attention
to the state of the "shingles"
of my covering
as in the natural
all the old shingles must be removed
so in the spiritual
there must be a total removal of the previous covering
a complete coming out from under a defective roof
I am grateful to have been reminded of this
before the storms of winter arrive .........

Monday, September 20, 2010

wombed moments





each moment

my God never gives me the future
He only gives me the present
moment by moment

how vitally important it is then
that I live fully
wide awake
and at peace
in each moment

Saturday, September 18, 2010

silent moment

leaves falling noiselessly
doing a quiet dance while making their way to the ground
no longer quite so full
dressed in such magnificence
do the trees feel their loss
do they mourn the nearing of winter
their still, quiet season
when pregnant with the promise of spring
of life hidden within
they simply stand through a long silence

Friday, September 17, 2010

committed moments

a passing remark by a friend caught my attention ........
he spoke of someone being a committed Christian
and I wondered about that word committed ..........
what exactly does that mean?
what do we base our using it to describe someone on?

I know of some
maybe many
who are so busy doing this, that and the other thing
in the Name of Christ
for the "church"
that being around them makes me feel I am in a whirlwind

there is a certain freneticism about their activities
their very lives

is it approval seeking
affirmation needing
trying to fill an inner hole
a lack of solid certainty about their belovedness

and we look at the outward manifestation
and conclude they are "committed"

perhaps it is we might even strive to match
their "committedness"
so that we too would be considered committed .........

but my wondering in all this
is about the heart

how and where is their heart

I have known for a very long time
that my life is to be a life of prayer

outwardly it seems I am "doing" nothing
and I have been hammered over the head
and pierced right through the heart
more than once
with the scripture
"faith without works is dead"

when younger I felt it was necessary for me to attempt to justify my life
of prayer
and solitude
and contemplation
but fortunately that is no longer the case .........

there is a quiet knowing within my spirit
within my soul
within my body
that allows me to rest and be still

I hear the words of Jesus
when his colleagues came to Him
saying didn't we do this, that and the other thing for You
and He answered with
go away, I don't know you

I for sure do not wish to judge anyone
nor even question
anyone else's commitment


is it really necessary to be highly active outwardly
to be

or is more the degree of surrender of a heart

what about the ones who chair every committee
teach every class
drive every child
memorize every scripture
and yet have no peace
no love
no mercy
no joy
no tenderness

I heard a pastor say once that
you can go to hell with baptism waters still fresh on your head

I think he probably knew what he was talking about

Thursday, September 16, 2010

moment moments

today I began to feel the weight
of the moments of the last three weeks .............
and my first thought was to yell out

which meant of course
take it all away
give me a break ............

note the "me" in there

a purely selfish reaction

there has been Ron's medical stuff
entailing 4 trips to emerg in 3 weeks
and more to come
asthma striking with a vengeance in the midst of all that
walking with my brother through the suicide of his wife's son
a leak in the roof
and Jenn's call yesterday about the lump biopsy

it has been a lot
that is the truth
those are the facts

and if I only focus on the "lot"
it weighs me down

but mixed in with the "lot"
there have been moments of pure God
many moments of pure God
many moments of seeing Jesus
hearing Jesus
feeling Jesus

and so
now I have moved away from ENOUGH
to simply saying
thank You

thank You for Your faithfulness
Your kindness
Your provision
Your grace

thank You for life
and for breath

thank You that You hold all our moments
in Your perfectly capable hand

thank You that You know the end from the beginning
and are present in the now

I love You

Monday, September 13, 2010

or moment

head held not quite so high now
the horizon a little closer
arms drooping a bit
body a little bent, gnarled and wrinkled
bared of any outward beauty
the storms
even the most ferocious
have not caused a falling down
externally now seeming barren and finished
within there remains a dance
a song
a beautiful glimmering golden hope
life remains incubated
wombed deep inside
awaiting the freedom of the coming season
a soaring never before known
a living within the colors of the rainbow

a tree

or me .................

grace-less moment

rebellion is devoid of the memory of grace ......

Friday, September 10, 2010

shadow moment

thinking about how even the most beautiful flower
has its own shadow

Thursday, September 09, 2010

easy moment

if a bird stays within easy reach of the ground
it will never fly well

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

eagle moments

you cannot expect to keep an eagle in a forest .........

even the most majestic bird
which soars higher than all others
and endures the longest flights
will sink into despair
when placed in a cage
and forced to beat its wings against prison bars

Monday, September 06, 2010

eyes moment

this week has brought about many moments of sitting in emerg
during the day
in the middle of the night
and very early in the morning

there is not much to do in emerg
other than duck sneezes and coughs
while trying to remain calm and positive

you watch a lot ...........
listening can be a bit off-putting
so you simply watch

some swagger in
gold everywhere
big boots
strange hair
the obligatory ripped knee in jeans

others sort of whimper in
eyes refusing to make contact with anything other than the floor

and then there is the occasional demanding entrance


each one in their own particular agony

soft words
angry words
hateful words
weeping words
bold words
scared words

a lot of life passes before you
during the wait

a muslim woman
all in black
only her eyes betraying her fear

a fire fighter
fighting his own battle
and yet offering his jacket for warmth

a pastor and his wife
while rushing in to a family emergency
stopping to help

a young woman
who sat for hours
silently weeping

the no-nonsense triage nurse
gently holding my hand as she passed me the chart

the very big security guard
carefully walking me to the car in the dark

the docs
touching much
and yet
taking time
to make sure we understood

all these
the ones needing help
the ones giving help
all someone's daughter
someone's son

the eyes give it all away

the toughest
the most flamboyant
the strongest

when you look into their eyes
all you see
is someone very tiny
and very vulnerable

at times I wished there were 50 of me
just to come alongside
to listen
to be fully present

Saturday, August 07, 2010

as sometimes happens
just when I determine to live out of a new truth
my heart
my determination
even the new truth
is tested

words have been hurled at me
hurtful arrows that have pierced

I am pretty good about keeping the armor in place
concerning outside arrows
but when they come from within an intimate circle
I am often caught off guard

and become crippled for awhile

and yet
love ..........