as sometimes happens
just when I determine to live out of a new truth
my heart
my determination
even the new truth
is tested

words have been hurled at me
accusations
hurtful arrows that have pierced

I am pretty good about keeping the armor in place
concerning outside arrows
but when they come from within an intimate circle
I am often caught off guard

and become crippled for awhile

and yet
I
am
to
love ..........

dust moment

and when our offering is not wanted
nor accepted
we are to simply shake the dust from our feet
and move on

but nowhere are we told not to love

in fact

we are asked to love those who wish us harm
those who mock
those who slam the door

as we love ourselves

and sometimes
it is that part
the loving of ourselves
that is the most challenging

love moments

there have been a few relationship challenges lately
that have caused me to ponder "love"

what is love
how to love
is there ever a time one should not love another
how to deal with painful love
why should love be painful
what is rejected love all about

interesting stuff to ponder
truly ponder
and as is often the case
what was revealed in my own heart
was a tad ugly ...........

I read once
"to love is to give another permission in advance
to treat you as they will"

and I do believe that is the case ........

I realized I had the choice
to simply stop loving
however
that is not the way I am wired

what I have learned about myself
is that I have been loving with expectations

expecting to be loved in return
expecting to be treated as I would treat
expecting to be respected, sheltered, cared for
expecting my love to be honored
to be treasured

and that says to me
I have been offering conditional love

I am to love UNconditionally

yesterday I was able to see the difference
and offer a love
a pure love from deep within my heart
without any conditions
without any expectations

and it was a wonderful experience

there was a beautiful freedom
for both of us
that came along with a wonderful healing

I had been mired in a muddy wound for months
sadly it was a very familiar wound
one that I have often found myself stuck in
the ruts well worn
making it harder and harder to get out of each time

yesterday
my dance returned
my feet were free
my heart full of song again

it was horrible seeing that ugly piece of my heart
and yet
I am grateful

because I love to dance
and I love to sing

I am designed to dance
and to sing .......

and to love

darkness moment

I suddenly came across this verse:
Exodus 20:21
"..............Moses drew near the thick darkness where God was"

and I saw that sometimes God is in the thick darkness - the stuff I flee from -
always I have believed I should run from darkness
after all, God is light and does it not follow then that darkness is the enemy
and something to flee from .............
and in the fleeing from all darkness I believed I was running towards light, towards God,
but if there are times God is in the thick darkness, there have been times I have been fleeing from Him ............

I thought of Elijah in the cave (1Kings 19:11-13)
Elijah had run into the cave - he was "lodging" there - no intention of leaving
until he heard
"what are you doing here?"

so similar to Adam hearing "where are you?"

there was a great wind, an earthquake, a fire - all familiar manifestations of God's Presence for Elijah

but this time, God was in a gentle whisper - it was that gentle whisper which drew Elijah out of the cave ...........

we can miss God if we only look in the places where we have seen Him before, if we only seek the familiar, the known, perhaps even the comfortable? .........

sometimes God is in the thick darkness

and I understood this day that my running hard from all darkness has simply filled my ears with my own panting, my own striving, the sound of my own pounding footsteps

my ears so full, they were unable to hear the gentle whisper

that sometimes comes
out of the
thick
darkness