Dexter moments

I miss Dexter
I miss his laugh
his wisdom
his insight

I miss his friendship

I miss our chats
our walks

I miss his calls
his emails

such a tough week this has been
and today
another funeral

so many words have been spoken
written
heard
this week -
it would be so wonderful to have Dexter's perspective

his perspective was always filled with such genuine care

it is honoring to the man he was
to continue missing him

this land
the soil
with its seeds of hope
is richer for his footsteps

he came from the rock
and has returned to the Rock

and I miss him

deception moment

deception is such a sneaky thing ......
even the wondering about deception
about being deceived
is large and wide and deep
simply wondering can rock one's world ............
all the questions suddenly flare up
all the warnings heard but ignored
were they right?

so easy to lose one's footing in the storm of wondering .........

we are designed for relationship
and perhaps that is why it is such a battlefield

there are some who have a desire to deceive
but there must also be a willingness to be deceived
an acceptance of the deception

I am one who tends to leap into relationships
to immediately embrace another
and invite them into my life
which of course involves trusting
to one degree or another

which is interesting
because trust
is one of my "issues"

and so when it becomes evident
that all is not what it seemed
my tender trust is somewhat shattered and torn
again

in the shredding of that tender ligament
there is pain
and a limp develops as I continue my journey

a limp from the tear
but also a limp from wrestling with God
about trusting ever again ............

I do not believe God desires us to interact with one another
always being suspicious
we are afterall told to simply love our neighbour

and what does that love look like
feel like
sound like
taste like

everything these days boils down to love
or lack of it

silence moment

I am learning to distinguish the different shades of silence
learning how to live in these silences
learning how to love in these silences ...........

learning to listen in the silence between spoken
or written
words
in the silence under the words
in the silence behind the words
even the silence that is sometimes held within a word

learning to hear the Voice in those silences

no matter the words
loving enables me to hear the Voice
and it is in loving I find peace

a pure love is a love released from the fullness of the senses
and from the pursuit of pleasure
giving it freedom to grow in my heart

we are made to love both creature and Creator
but our heart loses its balance too easily when it loves a creature
it holds onto the creature so passionately
that it loses sight of the Creator

pleasure falsifies love like a mask

silence causes the mask to fall away
silence reveals the Creator

wondering moment

last night was our gathering time
an evening set aside
to come together
and worship our King

this time there were four gatherings
all scheduled at the same time
in four corners of our city

one of these corners was across the river
on the Quebec side of our region

this being a technological age
the plan was that we would be hooked up
and thus see and hear each other
as we raised a canopy of prayer and worship
over the land ...........

well, as sometimes happens
the technology end of things failed at times
but the vision remained ...........

this was our final gathering

after eleven years
the vision carrier believed it was time
to place the seed in the ground
and let it rest
to be resurrected
or not
as God chooses

so
for me
having been involved from the get go
it was a difficult evening .............

if ever there was a time to gather the body together
in worship
and prayer
it is now
and yet
so much of the body is not willing
is not desirous
is not yearning
to be with one another

this is not the first seed to be put into the ground
and I suppose it will not be the last
but it all has caused me to wonder

what has happened to us .........

there was a time
when we could hardly wait to come together
we all loved to worship
but it was the worshiping together
losing oneself in the Presence of God
while surrounded by the body

it was a time to hug
sometimes to cry
sometimes laugh
always to touch
and be touched

we loved one another
in our love of God

and now ............

so many are simply too busy .......
too full ..........

we have lost our appetite for God
His Son
and Spirit

our mouths are so full of junk food
we can no longer taste the sweetness of manna

we slake our thirst with fizzy pop
and no longer seek pure living water

flames flicker
in the settling
for the things of the world

my heart is heavy this morning
there is an aching for the body

the living stones no longer cry out .............
will the rocks and trees sing for us ??

and there is this fear in me
that I too will become weary
will settle
will flicker

it doesn't take much of a storm
to douse a flickering flame

where are you, my brothers and sisters
I am not whole without you ........

what has happened to us ............

we look at ourselves
through anorexic eyes
seeing fat
where there is barely skin and bones

what has happened to us ...........

call moments

God's call is mysterious
coming in the darkness of faith
so fine
so subtle
only heard in the deepest silence within
and yet
so decisive
and overpowering
nothing is surer
or stronger

God is always calling
but there are moments in his call
which leave a permanent mark on us
moments which we never forget
moments of awareness of God
moving in the silence of our soul

ask moment

Jesus does not bring us boldly into the kingdom
He asks us
to
follow
Him

morning moment

God, my Creator
source root of my being
I love You
I seek You
You are everything to me
now that I am tainted by sin,
recreate me
renew me
take me back to Your creative embrace
and give me back the aspect You envisaged for me
when You made me
You are the arms in which I have my existance
the root on which I stand
the Whole on which I depend
I am Yours; make me Yours
I cast myself into the abyss of You
I am in You
gather me closer to You
wash what is soiled
bathe what is parched
heal what is bleeding
bend what is rigid
melt what is frozen
straighten what is crooked
God, I love You.

leaking moments

it is interesting .............
the edges of me are becoming blurred
I find myself leaking into others
and allowing them to leak into me

the fine line between me and you
is dissolving

after teaching for years on the importance of boundaries
mine are disappearing
into the sands of my desert walk

and I am OK with it

disfiguring moments

if the world is to see God through me
why do I disfigure His face
with acts or values which are not love

seeking moments

when I was a girl
I looked for God by directing my gaze
toward a light coming from on high

as a teen
I looked for God in those around me

when I grew up
I sought God in a desert

now that I am at the end of my road
I simply close my eyes
and there God is ....
within me ...........

alone moment

surrounded
by 900 or so people this morning
I have never felt so alone .........

this is going to be far harder than I ever imagined ........