dust moment

and when our offering is not wanted
nor accepted
we are to simply shake the dust from our feet
and move on

but nowhere are we told not to love

in fact

we are asked to love those who wish us harm
those who mock
those who slam the door

as we love ourselves

and sometimes
it is that part
the loving of ourselves
that is the most challenging

love moments

there have been a few relationship challenges lately
that have caused me to ponder "love"

what is love
how to love
is there ever a time one should not love another
how to deal with painful love
why should love be painful
what is rejected love all about

interesting stuff to ponder
truly ponder
and as is often the case
what was revealed in my own heart
was a tad ugly ...........

I read once
"to love is to give another permission in advance
to treat you as they will"

and I do believe that is the case ........

I realized I had the choice
to simply stop loving
however
that is not the way I am wired

what I have learned about myself
is that I have been loving with expectations

expecting to be loved in return
expecting to be treated as I would treat
expecting to be respected, sheltered, cared for
expecting my love to be honored
to be treasured

and that says to me
I have been offering conditional love

I am to love UNconditionally

yesterday I was able to see the difference
and offer a love
a pure love from deep within my heart
without any conditions
without any expectations

and it was a wonderful experience

there was a beautiful freedom
for both of us
that came along with a wonderful healing

I had been mired in a muddy wound for months
sadly it was a very familiar wound
one that I have often found myself stuck in
the ruts well worn
making it harder and harder to get out of each time

yesterday
my dance returned
my feet were free
my heart full of song again

it was horrible seeing that ugly piece of my heart
and yet
I am grateful

because I love to dance
and I love to sing

I am designed to dance
and to sing .......

and to love

darkness moment

I suddenly came across this verse:
Exodus 20:21
"..............Moses drew near the thick darkness where God was"

and I saw that sometimes God is in the thick darkness - the stuff I flee from -
always I have believed I should run from darkness
after all, God is light and does it not follow then that darkness is the enemy
and something to flee from .............
and in the fleeing from all darkness I believed I was running towards light, towards God,
but if there are times God is in the thick darkness, there have been times I have been fleeing from Him ............

I thought of Elijah in the cave (1Kings 19:11-13)
Elijah had run into the cave - he was "lodging" there - no intention of leaving
until he heard
"what are you doing here?"

so similar to Adam hearing "where are you?"

there was a great wind, an earthquake, a fire - all familiar manifestations of God's Presence for Elijah

but this time, God was in a gentle whisper - it was that gentle whisper which drew Elijah out of the cave ...........

we can miss God if we only look in the places where we have seen Him before, if we only seek the familiar, the known, perhaps even the comfortable? .........

sometimes God is in the thick darkness

and I understood this day that my running hard from all darkness has simply filled my ears with my own panting, my own striving, the sound of my own pounding footsteps

my ears so full, they were unable to hear the gentle whisper

that sometimes comes
out of the
thick
darkness

blinding moments

there are some whose very burning to "be in ministry"
blinds them to the ministry
God already has them in

risk moment

every now and then I arrive at a "when push comes to shove" moment -
always a challenge -

do I really believe what I am always telling others?
do I do what I encourage others to do?

never easy
especially when the old rejection snake sticks up his ugly head ......

however
it is time
to risk relationship and
say the hard things
point out wrong behavior
ask questions that need to be asked

all boils down to trust really

this relationship is a beautiful gift from God
and there are responsibilities in receiving such a gift

touch carefully
tenderly
purely
but have a greater concern for the wellbeing of another's soul
than for our relationship

yesterday's moment

spent some time yesterday
in an interesting house
newish physically
pleasant looking
but boy, was it hard to breathe inside
it was as if this house was an old old old house
a house that has been shut up for many years
the windows never opened
the door always closed
there was a staleness
a musty smell and feeling
the air was still and old, used up
all the correct stuff going on
with all the correct words spoken and sung
but there was this oldness
this staleness
a sitting in yesterday's air
locked in yesterday's moments
and I am not at all sure a fresh wind would be welcome
there was a comfortableness wrapped around everyone's shoulders
like clothes that have been worn forever
and now simply fit like skin
it was cold
and after a very short while
I was shaking
from the inside out
and the outside in
I left
and silently wept ........

star moment

a rich man travelled in a finely appointed carriage
with lanterns on each corner of his vehicle
to light the road around and ahead.
He went his way in satisfaction and security,
assured that his wealth provided him with a good life.
One day along the road
the rich man passed a poor peasant who had no carriage to carry him
and no lamp to light his way.
Yet while the rich man pitied the poor peasant
who had no money to buy all the creature comforts,
the poor peasant could see the stars
which the rich man missed
because he was blinded by his lamps .........
Soren Kieregaard

dignity moment

there was a tenderness yesterday
a quiet encounter with grace
some holy moments

the time had come for a pastor friend to leave
the pasture he had been tending for ten years .......

this was man's decision
not God's ...........

the board
in their wisdom
asked their shepherd to leave
and rather than fight
he pulled up his tent pegs
and acquiesced ......

he agreed to leave after one final service

anyone who wished to attend
was invited to this service

we were told there would be communion available

the pastor spoke a bit from Nehemiah,
one of his heroes

then called us each by name to come forward
when he personally served us communion
as individuals or families
while speaking a word over each one
with tears streaming down his face

there was a river around the altar
a river of salty water

and so
with quiet dignity
deep humility
and abounding grace
he released that pasture
to the care of man ..........

michael moment

this past Sunday was "mother's day" ..........

it is such a privilege to be a mother
I am so blessed by my children .....
they each are unique
and each so very beautiful inside and out
so tender
and so strong ...............
my love for them is deep

even in this though
there is a Michael sized hole within me
impossible to fill
but around which
I am building a garden .........

more moments

and I have come to understand
our biggest fig leaf
is Christianity

this is the leaf we most often hide behind
when
naked
frightened

three words
fear
nakedness
hiding

we are a fearful people

where are you?
those words cause us to run
to hide

and escape into "Christianity"

enfolding moment

there was a moment
by a tree
Adam made a decision
and was no longer enfolded in God
in the chill of his sudden nakedness
he searched for fig leaves

there was another moment
by a tree
Mary stood
and watched her son
enfolded in the sins of the world
my sins
he too felt the chill of the absence of God
but did not search for fig leaves

interesting
to me in any case
that it was a fig tree
in full leaf
that Jesus caused to wither at the root

it's too easy to reach for fig leaves

discerning moment

discernment is God's call to intercession
never to fault finding

Oswald Chambers

sitting moment

each person
sits next
to their own
pool of tears

writing moments

writing is like sitting down
pen in hand
and opening a vein
enabling a transfusion from writer to reader

sometimes it is the vein of fear that must be opened
because that is where the life is flowing

separate moment

each string of a guitar is separate
alone
even while quivering with the same song ..............

sad moment

I am saddened in the knowledge
that so many find it easy to carve 2 days out of their packed schedules
to attend a prophetic conference
in the hopes of hearing a personal "word" from God
and yet
these same folks
find it so hard
if not impossible
to simply take some moments
each day
to sit with God
listen
and hear from Him directly ........

calling moment

Love is calling me ....
by name

to a place of radical surrender
filling the rooms in my soul
those places
that still lived in underground anguish

answer moment

don't search for answers which cannot be given now
because we are not yet able to live them
live the questions now
perhaps some day in the future
we will gradually
without even noticing it
live our way into the answer

optional moment

if we do not transform our pain
we will surely transmit it

here moment

and He departed from our sight
that we might return to our heart
and there find Him
for He departed
and behold
He is here

St. Augustine