wild moment

the surf is rolling
crashing
untameable

offering up treasures from deep within

I see the wildness of my God
His power
strength

and His furious longing for His people

my eyes are filled with salt
a mixing of tears
His
mine

I am alive
and it is good

self moment

note to self:
forgiving someone who has lied,
betrayed
and broken trust with me
does NOT mean I must automatically trust them again

violent moment

"...to surrender to too many demands,
to commit oneself to too many projects,
to want to help everyone in everything
is to succumb to violence." -
C. S. Lewis

party moments

in a room filled with chatter
hearing nothing
longing for something real

looking around
wondering how much is illusion

skating on the surface
wishing to dig for gold

desiring to tear open the envelope of illusion
hoping something real will fall out

all these words floating about
just floating
not seeming to land anywhere

if nothing lands
nothing roots
nothing bears fruit

what has happened to us all
to cause us to float about
to flit in and out of each other's lives

to chatter
but no longer touch
to drink wine
not in remembrance
while never breaking bread

seems to be a larger emphasis on shaping the body
than caring for the soul

more interest in pleasuring self
than pleasuring Him

we used to harmonize
but the music of it all now seems rather discordant

seems like fun on the surface
but isn't it all rather empty .........
illusionary

alone
in a crowd

would be so lovely to kneel together
to sing together
to touch one another
to perhaps cry together
laugh together
to be real together
in fellowship

I miss that ...........

now
its just a crowd

I don't do crowds well

yesterday moment

yesterday brought an unexpected gift
a tender visit
with a trembling flower .........

a beautiful young woman
finding her heart
discovering her identity

giving herself permission to stand up
but also to fall

after years and years of being shaped by pain
she is learning how to stretch her arms wide
to lengthen her stride

while at the same time
discovering it is OK to stop doing
and simply be

we had seen each other from afar
over the past few years
but then she called
and asked to come together

and it was a wonderful privilege
to spend some moments with one another

I am not sure what God has in mind
for tomorrow
but
I am grateful
deeply grateful
for yesterday

chasm moment

the deepest chasm between two people
can be dug
with a shovel of unfair expectation
of one another

dexter moments

there are times God brings someone rare
someone deeply special
into our lives
to connect and weave together
sometimes the threads are woven tightly
sometimes loosely
but the weaving is a forever weaving

there is an instant hearing of the other's heartbeat
with a resonating to the rhythm of their song

Dexter was one of these rare and beautiful gifts

he entered our home a stranger
and before we even sat down
was family

we would talk together
and listen together
with a comfort in each other's silence

he too was a seer

he asked me never to say he lost his battle with cancer
and so I will not even ponder that

on Saturday he simply could no longer resist the call to "come"
he had been hearing his name being whispered for awhile now
it was that whispering that drew him home

I cannot imagine the loss his family feels
the emptiness in that chair around the table

I cannot imagine the loss his church feels
the unsettledness in the losing sight of their shepherd

I know how I feel
I am mixed with a rejoicing that Dexter has been released from his bed of pain
to dance with his Lord
and an angst in the losing of a friend
an awareness of the huge loss to this land
a missing of his laughter
his amazing Newfie sense of humor

the loss of having someone who speaks the same language
someone who never reached for the 911 button
when I shared what I was seeing
or hearing
or feeling

someone whom I hugely respected
but from whom I too felt respected

aaaaaaaaaaah Jesus
heaven is a much richer place now
another son has come home
and I am positive he is dancing to the tune of
well done, good and faithful servant

forever loved
forever missed
forever appreciated

touch moment

When all is washed away
and I am naked
and I can't find the answers to the joy or pain,
the pressure of His hand will still be there.

David Mattches

dance moment

allow my hands Lord to feel new life
under the rubble of death and destruction
let my fingers feel a faint pulse of hope
my ears hear a faint whisp of breath
my eyes see a flickering flame
let my soul finds its feet
and my spirit its rhythm
to dance once more with You

opening moment

unforgiveness

opens the door

to the trojan horse

of bitterness

earthquake moment

this past week or so has been filled with earthquakes..........
what is happening in Haiti has filled the tv screens
the news print
the internet
and for sure has filled my heart
so much death
so much destruction
so much falling down
so much missing

I found it fascinating watching and listening to the dude on the news
who explained why and how it all happened
explained about the shifting plates
about the fault lines
the rubbing together
the shifting sideways of the bottom of the ocean
well below
well hidden from all eyes

this had to happen
nothing could stop it

the only question was when it would happen
and how much death would result

and my eyes
and my ears
and my heart
are filled with the cries of the living
and the cries of the dead
and the cries of the rubble littered land

this land that stole my heart years ago

and then this week
another earthquake
caused by another hidden fault line
another shifting of the land
causing death
and destruction
and a tumbling down

not a destruction of a country
but a destruction of much soil
his soil
her soil
the soil of their children
the soil of hope
of life
of dreams

and as in Haiti
many people buried in the rubble
in this too
many are buried in the rubble

those who come out alive
will be forever changed
might never again fully alive ............

and I fear some may not come out at all alive

and my eyes
and my ears
and my heart
are filled with the cries of the dead
and the cries of the not quite living

and I am filled with the sight of the rubble
the falling down
because of a hidden fault line
that shifted

and I realize that I too am under the rubble of this right now
and I so desire to come out alive
fully alive
but right now
there is a lot of death
the smell of all that has died is very strong .........

and I feel I might drown
because my mouth is filled
with the salt
of an ocean of unshed tears

my spirit feels defiled
simply by the knowledge
of all the winds of this particular earthquake

this is horrible
and no pretending it is not

boats and storms moment

2 boats
2 storms

the disciples in their boat
doing what Jesus had asked them to do
crossing to the other side
Jesus was asleep in the stern of their boat
a storm rose up
fear entered in
they forgot Who was in their boat
until they woke Him, suggesting He had forgotten them
He spoke
the storm ended

Jonah
in a boat
running from what God had asked him to do
running from Ninevah
to Tarshish
where one can "have a religious career
without having to deal with God"
(Eugene Peterson)
a storm came up
fear entered in
Jonah was tossed from the boat
the storm ended

Jesus slept
He had authority over the storm

Jonah did not

Jesus did only what His father asked of Him
Jonah ran from what his Father asked of Him

Jesus was obedient
Jonah was rebellious

2 different storms
2 different boats
2 different outcomes

who is in the boat of my life with me
whose boat am I in
do I have authority over the storms of my life

and then there is the ark
and Noah
who listened to God
and obeyed
he survived the waters .......

it is important who we are yoked with
who we bring into our boat
who rides the waves with us

is there someone in my boat
causing the storm

or only the One
who rules the storm

thoughts triggered by Martha's writing
on the Separator

dedication moment

A Prayer of Dedication

Lord Jesus, I give you my hands to do your work
my feet to go your way
my eyes to see as you do
my tongue to speak your words
my mind that you may think in me
my spirit that you may pray in me.
Above all,
I give you my heart
that you may love in me your Father and all mankind,
I give you my whole self
that you may grow in me,
so that it is you,
Lord Jesus,
who live
and work
and pray in me

Lancelot Andrewes. (1555-1626)

community moment

to live in community
is to learn to walk alone in the desert
at night
and in tears

yes moment

those who say yes to God
must learn to live
between the polarities of
strength and vulnerability

ruth haley barton

hourglass moment

for several years now
I have been "seeing" an hourglass in the spirit
all of life contained in this hourglass

it is a lovely hourglass
pure crystal
and pure gold

I can almost hear it singing at times

and these days
I am seeing
feeling
touching
its crystal again

this has been a tremendous year
a tremulous year
a tenuous year
a tender year

traveling in the valley for so many months
feeling the touch of the shadow
while feeling the strength in the pierced hand that gripped me tight

being separated from friends
and joined together with new friends

losing a community
in the midst of finding a new community

letting go of so much
while gaining immeasurably more

and as the grains of the sand of 2009
slip through the crystal neck
I am acutely aware of those who have stood with me
sat with me
sang to me
prayed for me
held me
cried with me
laughed with me
and loved me

some near by
some on the other side of the mountains
some across the waters

each one so unique

each one enriching my life
enlarging my spirit

each one adding a harmonizing note
to the song of me

my clay bears many fingerprints
some have pressed deep
some have gently touched
some simply brushed alongside
but I am a far better shaped piece of clay
because of each one

I am filled with thanks
for the gift of friendship

the ribbon of relationships

the privilege of being loved
and of loving

I know some of you read this blog
and I am always so touched that you do
and then take the time to write
to encourage
or simply to laugh with me
and sometimes to cry with me

this blog is bookended by two Davids

David D who got me started in all this
gave me the courage to believe there was value in my words
loved me enough to want to be connected to my daily moments

and David M
whom I met through this blog
and who now is a most precious brother
a poustinia dweller like me

and I think of so many others in between
some I have met
and some not

but I want you to know I appreciate you
and I value your journeys
each one

none of us know how many grains of sand are in our hourglass
but all of us know
the grains slip
one by one
through the crystal neck

at times they seem to slip faster
and at times slower

but they slip through nonetheless

and I am grateful

and thankful

and peaceful

and filled with love

and my heart overflows with joy

I am blessed

with one another moment

The wolf will live with the lamb,
the panther lie down with the kid,
calf, lion and fat-stock beast together,
with a little boy to lead them.
The cow and the bear will graze,
their young will lie down together.
The lion will eat hay like the ox.
The infant will play over the den of the adder;
the baby will put his hand into the viper's lair.
No hurt, no harm will be done on all my holy mountain
for the country will be full of knowledge of Yahweh
as the waters cover the sea.
(Isaiah 11:6-9)

pearl moment

the pearl

begins its existence as an irritant
invading the home of an oyster
moving in where it is not invited
nor wanted
where it does not belong

it sneaks in through a tiny opening
just a crack

the oyster host does not welcome this invasion
the oyster is no longer comfortable in its own home
the oyster is no longer at ease

the oyster reacts
by slowly
silently,
steadily wrapping this irritant in a secretion of mother of pearl
until the irritant no longer irritates
but fits comfortably
and begins to dwell seurely with the oyster
protected and hidden in the oyster's own home

the oyster adjusts to welcome the pearl

the irritant is now a pearl
something of great beauty and great value
yet remains hidden in a secure place
until exposed to the world

it's very releasing bringing about the death of the one who caused it to be

and this is God's design

and how do we
do I
react to an irritant invading my ease

do I try to kick it out
shove it aside
most irritants in our lives come in the form of a person

and we,
during the invasion
in our discomfort
our loss of ease
we tend to forget this irritating person
is simply a pearl in disguise

and so we must choose how to react
do we coat this irritant with anger
hard words
judgement
disdain
shunning

or do we wrap what appears to be simply a piece of grit
in a mother of pearl coat of love
warmth
mercy
and grace
providing shelter and protection
while watching what God will do

and thus have the privilege of partnering
with Almighty God
in the birthing of a pearl
of great price

are we willing
am I willing
to die
to my own comfort
my own ease
so another may live

shoot moment

The small child of Bethlehem,

the unknown young man of Nazareth,

the rejected preacher,

the naked man on the cross,

he asks for my full attention.

The work of our salvation

takes place in the midst of a world

that continues to shout,

scream,

and overwhelm us with its claims and promises.

But the promise is hidden in the shoot that sprouts from the stump,

a shoot that hardly anyone notices

Henri Nouwen

praying moment

to pray

is to wait

for the God

who comes

Carlo Caretto