moment moments

today I began to feel the weight
of the moments of the last three weeks .............
and my first thought was to yell out
ENOUGH!

which meant of course
take it all away
give me a break ............

note the "me" in there

a purely selfish reaction

there has been Ron's medical stuff
entailing 4 trips to emerg in 3 weeks
and more to come
asthma striking with a vengeance in the midst of all that
walking with my brother through the suicide of his wife's son
a leak in the roof
and Jenn's call yesterday about the lump biopsy

it has been a lot
that is the truth
those are the facts

and if I only focus on the "lot"
it weighs me down

but mixed in with the "lot"
there have been moments of pure God
many moments of pure God
many moments of seeing Jesus
hearing Jesus
feeling Jesus

and so
now I have moved away from ENOUGH
to simply saying
thank You

thank You for Your faithfulness
Your kindness
Your provision
Your grace

thank You for life
and for breath

thank You that You hold all our moments
in Your perfectly capable hand

thank You that You know the end from the beginning
and are present in the now

I love You

or moment

head held not quite so high now
the horizon a little closer
arms drooping a bit
body a little bent, gnarled and wrinkled
bared of any outward beauty
the storms
even the most ferocious
have not caused a falling down
externally now seeming barren and finished
within there remains a dance
a song
a beautiful glimmering golden hope
life remains incubated
wombed deep inside
awaiting the freedom of the coming season
a soaring never before known
a living within the colors of the rainbow

a tree

or me .................

grace-less moment

rebellion is devoid of the memory of grace ......

shadow moment

thinking about how even the most beautiful flower
has its own shadow

easy moment

if a bird stays within easy reach of the ground
it will never fly well

eagle moments

you cannot expect to keep an eagle in a forest .........

even the most majestic bird
which soars higher than all others
and endures the longest flights
will sink into despair
when placed in a cage
and forced to beat its wings against prison bars

eyes moment

this week has brought about many moments of sitting in emerg
during the day
in the middle of the night
and very early in the morning

there is not much to do in emerg
other than duck sneezes and coughs
while trying to remain calm and positive

you watch a lot ...........
listening can be a bit off-putting
so you simply watch

some swagger in
gold everywhere
big boots
strange hair
the obligatory ripped knee in jeans

others sort of whimper in
eyes refusing to make contact with anything other than the floor

and then there is the occasional demanding entrance
SEE ME NOW!

big
tiny
black
white
yellow
male
female

each one in their own particular agony

soft words
angry words
hateful words
weeping words
bold words
scared words

a lot of life passes before you
during the wait

a muslim woman
all in black
only her eyes betraying her fear

a fire fighter
fighting his own battle
and yet offering his jacket for warmth

a pastor and his wife
while rushing in to a family emergency
stopping to help

a young woman
who sat for hours
silently weeping

the no-nonsense triage nurse
gently holding my hand as she passed me the chart

the very big security guard
carefully walking me to the car in the dark

the docs
seeing
hearing
smelling
touching much
and yet
taking time
to make sure we understood

all these
the ones needing help
the ones giving help
all someone's daughter
someone's son

the eyes give it all away

the toughest
the most flamboyant
the strongest

when you look into their eyes
all you see
is someone very tiny
and very vulnerable

at times I wished there were 50 of me
just to come alongside
to listen
to be fully present

as sometimes happens
just when I determine to live out of a new truth
my heart
my determination
even the new truth
is tested

words have been hurled at me
accusations
hurtful arrows that have pierced

I am pretty good about keeping the armor in place
concerning outside arrows
but when they come from within an intimate circle
I am often caught off guard

and become crippled for awhile

and yet
I
am
to
love ..........

dust moment

and when our offering is not wanted
nor accepted
we are to simply shake the dust from our feet
and move on

but nowhere are we told not to love

in fact

we are asked to love those who wish us harm
those who mock
those who slam the door

as we love ourselves

and sometimes
it is that part
the loving of ourselves
that is the most challenging

love moments

there have been a few relationship challenges lately
that have caused me to ponder "love"

what is love
how to love
is there ever a time one should not love another
how to deal with painful love
why should love be painful
what is rejected love all about

interesting stuff to ponder
truly ponder
and as is often the case
what was revealed in my own heart
was a tad ugly ...........

I read once
"to love is to give another permission in advance
to treat you as they will"

and I do believe that is the case ........

I realized I had the choice
to simply stop loving
however
that is not the way I am wired

what I have learned about myself
is that I have been loving with expectations

expecting to be loved in return
expecting to be treated as I would treat
expecting to be respected, sheltered, cared for
expecting my love to be honored
to be treasured

and that says to me
I have been offering conditional love

I am to love UNconditionally

yesterday I was able to see the difference
and offer a love
a pure love from deep within my heart
without any conditions
without any expectations

and it was a wonderful experience

there was a beautiful freedom
for both of us
that came along with a wonderful healing

I had been mired in a muddy wound for months
sadly it was a very familiar wound
one that I have often found myself stuck in
the ruts well worn
making it harder and harder to get out of each time

yesterday
my dance returned
my feet were free
my heart full of song again

it was horrible seeing that ugly piece of my heart
and yet
I am grateful

because I love to dance
and I love to sing

I am designed to dance
and to sing .......

and to love

darkness moment

I suddenly came across this verse:
Exodus 20:21
"..............Moses drew near the thick darkness where God was"

and I saw that sometimes God is in the thick darkness - the stuff I flee from -
always I have believed I should run from darkness
after all, God is light and does it not follow then that darkness is the enemy
and something to flee from .............
and in the fleeing from all darkness I believed I was running towards light, towards God,
but if there are times God is in the thick darkness, there have been times I have been fleeing from Him ............

I thought of Elijah in the cave (1Kings 19:11-13)
Elijah had run into the cave - he was "lodging" there - no intention of leaving
until he heard
"what are you doing here?"

so similar to Adam hearing "where are you?"

there was a great wind, an earthquake, a fire - all familiar manifestations of God's Presence for Elijah

but this time, God was in a gentle whisper - it was that gentle whisper which drew Elijah out of the cave ...........

we can miss God if we only look in the places where we have seen Him before, if we only seek the familiar, the known, perhaps even the comfortable? .........

sometimes God is in the thick darkness

and I understood this day that my running hard from all darkness has simply filled my ears with my own panting, my own striving, the sound of my own pounding footsteps

my ears so full, they were unable to hear the gentle whisper

that sometimes comes
out of the
thick
darkness

blinding moments

there are some whose very burning to "be in ministry"
blinds them to the ministry
God already has them in

risk moment

every now and then I arrive at a "when push comes to shove" moment -
always a challenge -

do I really believe what I am always telling others?
do I do what I encourage others to do?

never easy
especially when the old rejection snake sticks up his ugly head ......

however
it is time
to risk relationship and
say the hard things
point out wrong behavior
ask questions that need to be asked

all boils down to trust really

this relationship is a beautiful gift from God
and there are responsibilities in receiving such a gift

touch carefully
tenderly
purely
but have a greater concern for the wellbeing of another's soul
than for our relationship

yesterday's moment

spent some time yesterday
in an interesting house
newish physically
pleasant looking
but boy, was it hard to breathe inside
it was as if this house was an old old old house
a house that has been shut up for many years
the windows never opened
the door always closed
there was a staleness
a musty smell and feeling
the air was still and old, used up
all the correct stuff going on
with all the correct words spoken and sung
but there was this oldness
this staleness
a sitting in yesterday's air
locked in yesterday's moments
and I am not at all sure a fresh wind would be welcome
there was a comfortableness wrapped around everyone's shoulders
like clothes that have been worn forever
and now simply fit like skin
it was cold
and after a very short while
I was shaking
from the inside out
and the outside in
I left
and silently wept ........

star moment

a rich man travelled in a finely appointed carriage
with lanterns on each corner of his vehicle
to light the road around and ahead.
He went his way in satisfaction and security,
assured that his wealth provided him with a good life.
One day along the road
the rich man passed a poor peasant who had no carriage to carry him
and no lamp to light his way.
Yet while the rich man pitied the poor peasant
who had no money to buy all the creature comforts,
the poor peasant could see the stars
which the rich man missed
because he was blinded by his lamps .........
Soren Kieregaard

dignity moment

there was a tenderness yesterday
a quiet encounter with grace
some holy moments

the time had come for a pastor friend to leave
the pasture he had been tending for ten years .......

this was man's decision
not God's ...........

the board
in their wisdom
asked their shepherd to leave
and rather than fight
he pulled up his tent pegs
and acquiesced ......

he agreed to leave after one final service

anyone who wished to attend
was invited to this service

we were told there would be communion available

the pastor spoke a bit from Nehemiah,
one of his heroes

then called us each by name to come forward
when he personally served us communion
as individuals or families
while speaking a word over each one
with tears streaming down his face

there was a river around the altar
a river of salty water

and so
with quiet dignity
deep humility
and abounding grace
he released that pasture
to the care of man ..........

michael moment

this past Sunday was "mother's day" ..........

it is such a privilege to be a mother
I am so blessed by my children .....
they each are unique
and each so very beautiful inside and out
so tender
and so strong ...............
my love for them is deep

even in this though
there is a Michael sized hole within me
impossible to fill
but around which
I am building a garden .........

more moments

and I have come to understand
our biggest fig leaf
is Christianity

this is the leaf we most often hide behind
when
naked
frightened

three words
fear
nakedness
hiding

we are a fearful people

where are you?
those words cause us to run
to hide

and escape into "Christianity"

enfolding moment

there was a moment
by a tree
Adam made a decision
and was no longer enfolded in God
in the chill of his sudden nakedness
he searched for fig leaves

there was another moment
by a tree
Mary stood
and watched her son
enfolded in the sins of the world
my sins
he too felt the chill of the absence of God
but did not search for fig leaves

interesting
to me in any case
that it was a fig tree
in full leaf
that Jesus caused to wither at the root

it's too easy to reach for fig leaves

discerning moment

discernment is God's call to intercession
never to fault finding

Oswald Chambers