perfection moment

``I have come to realize
that the radiance of the rose
and the whiteness of the lily
do not take away
the fragrance of the little violet
or the delightful simplicity of the daisy -
perfection consists in being
what God wants us to be.``
St. Therese

pulling moment

finally
after a long winter
spiritually and naturally
I made it to the poustinia
for a time of planting my feet in the soil of God

we had been cutting down huge trees
that had fallen during a violent wind a few weeks ago -
these trees, some very very old, were leaning on younger trees
full of life
but now being bent and bowed and endangered
under the weight of death

and I saw spiritually
how there was a lot of dead wood in my heart
pains and rejections and betrayals
and fear
mostly fear
that were pressing on tender shoots of love

Jer 4:3 speaks of breaking up the fallow ground
and I see afresh how time spent with God works the earth of my heart
first a pulling of the weeds
then a pulling of things I have planted
and I feel the struggle in my knees
and my back

living faithfully to my true self
has disappointed a lot of people
family
peers
closest friends
when I have failed to meet their expectations,
they have left
religious leaders ..........who do not appreciate a disruption of their theology

Lord, help me to love others well
while remaining faithful to you

Holy Spirit, empower me to pause
and savor the sacred in all I do -
be it large or small

prayer moment

Let us not be content to pray morning and evening, but let us live
in prayer all day long. Let this prayer, this life of love, which
means death to self, spread out from our seasons of prayer, as from
a centre, over all that we have to do. All should become prayer,
that is, a loving consciousness of God's presence, whether it be
social intercourse or business. Such a course as this will ensure
you a profound peace.
- Francois Fenelon

earthquake moment

some people I love hugely are going through a tumultuous time .........
something caused an eruption on the weekend -
this eruption has turned into a massive earthquake
and the fallout is wide

just like in the natural
an earthquake reveals a hidden fault line
so it is in the spiritual
and much is being revealed

the surprising part
is that this all has surfaced a fear in me

not sure what the fear is all about
but while listening to words falling with a massive fury yesterday
I became very afraid ..........
physically afraid

of what

of whom

the collateral damage to this particular earthquake is sobering

sometimes we are asked to say hard things
to point out a piercing truth
and sometimes this truth can pierce so deep
it smashes a relationship

and all I can hang onto is the fact
that I must always care most about an individual's relationship with God
and be willing to risk that individual's relationship with me

very much a
he said
she said
situation right now

I know enough
to know
the truth is always somewhere in the middle
sometimes hidden underneath the middle

right now there are these huge boulders blocking the middle
and these boulders have sharp edges
and these boulders can crush

and I am not looking forward to the excavation process
but I am looking forward to light penetrating darkness ...........
true light penetrating all darkness

pollute moment

when I was in training
back in the '60's
there were still a lot of unknowns
working with radiation

we were given badges by the govt
so that our exposure would be monitored
however
while doing research after hours
we took our badges off
to avoid personal radiation counts building up

which meant many many times
I was over exposed

nothing visible on the outside
but radiation seeped into each cell
each organ
each muscle
each bone
slightly altering everything
slightly changing everything
and even now still destroying who I am

but there is something far more dangerous
far more insidious than radiation
a danger that attacks our souls

if a concerted effort is not made to keep this danger out
the very core of a person can be poisoned
and destroyed

scripture says out of our bellies will flow rivers of living water
if we are not vigilant
poison can creep into each and every tiny crack
of our personal well
contaminate
poison our water
stop the flow
turn the river into sludge
contaminating our souls
plus the souls of anyone who drinks what we offer

I have heard messages about a false Christ
a false Spirit
a false God
and I do believe quoting scripture from the mouth
while the heart is in shadow
or darkness
creates an illusory safety
of standing in a false light

the plumb line must be true
a thought
a flirt
a touch
a desire
can shift the plumb line ever so slightly
just the tiniest bit
but just the tiniest bit erases the true
changes the light
pollutes the well

pearl moment

this whole face book thing is weird to begin with
but something happened recently that surprisingly triggered a deep pain ....

I have been quite careful to restrict access to my site - closing it as tightly as I know how -
only allowing "friends" access ............
and this word friends in relationship to face book is a whole other thought .........

earlier this week
a "friend" whom I had granted access to my postings
simply by agreeing to be "friends"
changed a lot of the pictures I had posted of my family ......
she thought she was doing a nice thing by prettying them up
putting words on them
framing them
changing their colors
and nothing she did was "bad"
but she had taken what I had posted
and changed them ...........
changed them to something different
something that I could no longer relate to
and then re-posted them on my site ..........
she did not mean any harm
I absolutely know that
but I felt violated
I felt someone had sneaked into my treasure box
and changed all my treasures
painted them
shaped them
printed upon them
with colors, shapes and words that did not come from my heart
and then these changed things displaced my original treasures
which were no longer able to be found

I know face book is public
I know once you post, whatever is posted becomes public
but now I really KNOW
I feel a loss
I was a bit angry at first
but then realized I was the one who had given permission for this
simply by posting ..........

and so, I have spoken with this one
and asked her to refrain from doing this on my site
I realize she now has these pictures copied on her computer
and can do whatever she chooses to with them
and I do not like feeling concerned about this
feeling a concern with a "friend"

the pain of all this was deep -
it took a day or two for me to figure out what was triggered in me

there was a moment a few years ago
when a "leader" of a ministry asked me to share my testimony ...
I did so
and he then proceeded to tear it apart
shred it
and tell me I had been deceived
that everything I had thought was beautiful and wonderful
and full of love
was only full of the enemy

all my treasures were thrown into the mud
and stomped on
publicly

we are warned about casting our pearls ............

I am withdrawing from face book
and will spend whatever hours are necessary
deleting all my pictures before closing my account

I realize it is a little like closing the barn door after the horse has escaped
but ..............

hopefully this time I will learn
to always be very cautious with my pearls.............

limit moment

writing starkly reveals the limits of my language

the sounds of words
and the silence of images converge
sometimes violently