pulling moment

finally
after a long winter
spiritually and naturally
I made it to the poustinia
for a time of planting my feet in the soil of God

we had been cutting down huge trees
that had fallen during a violent wind a few weeks ago -
these trees, some very very old, were leaning on younger trees
full of life
but now being bent and bowed and endangered
under the weight of death

and I saw spiritually
how there was a lot of dead wood in my heart
pains and rejections and betrayals
and fear
mostly fear
that were pressing on tender shoots of love

Jer 4:3 speaks of breaking up the fallow ground
and I see afresh how time spent with God works the earth of my heart
first a pulling of the weeds
then a pulling of things I have planted
and I feel the struggle in my knees
and my back

living faithfully to my true self
has disappointed a lot of people
family
peers
closest friends
when I have failed to meet their expectations,
they have left
religious leaders ..........who do not appreciate a disruption of their theology

Lord, help me to love others well
while remaining faithful to you

Holy Spirit, empower me to pause
and savor the sacred in all I do -
be it large or small