angst moments

this is not neat and tidy
nothing grammatically correct
just laying out some thoughts, wonderings, ponderings and angst

has religion beheaded the church

what is the church
what is church

am I struggling with the wrong questions
should I be replacing all the whats with a simple who

when Jesus starts to press his finger prints on a heart, change starts from the inside
only after the inside is tampered with does the outside reflect that change

when Mary received the visitation from the angel, the change – this Almighty-containing seed – was not visible to anyone else for a bit although she knew that time would come
she simply pondered and carried this seed on the inside
Fiat
only in the fullness of time was the change evident on the outside
only in the fullness of time did the birth happen
and even then, this was just a baby, right?
like any other baby
nothing profound for 12 years
and then only a glimpse causing more pondering, more wondering for another 18 years

the disciples – a slightly odd bunch – like the church of today?
some soft and quiet, some louder and pushy
jockeying for position
Jesus only once asked for help and he asked it of this slightly odd bunch
He simply asked that they would stay awake one night

they listened, waited and fell asleep
not once
but twice

later Jesus asked His friends to stay together, gather in a particular room and wait
some did
most did not
the waiting, the gathering they did not understand
did not quite fit their agendas and so they left, went outside

it is this waiting that seems to be a problem

Mary was willing

Moses built this huge boat in his backyard, took a long time
must have caused him to set aside his own agenda, his own dreams and hopes to build this thing
people laughed but he had heard he was to build

he built
he waited
and the rains came

I am the church
but alone I am not the church
the church is only seen when all the living stones come together accepting their positioning,
their placement by the pierced Hand

this present organization is not the church but it consists of the church
simply because I am in it

could it be that my purest, deepest, truest, worship is simply my submission to this organization, living in the tension of the knowing this organization is not church

but is it a womb from which church could be birthed?

if I close my fist around what I have been gifted with and leave
am I simply saying I know better, I like my dreams, my agenda better than yours

like a sulky child, leaving the game and taking the ball away

and if I stay in this organization that is not the church
will I lose the tension
will the tension become familiar
like an old elastic that loses its elasticity
stretch it and it simply snaps

who influences my decisions
who even influences my wondering
who reveals the tension
who is the tension

have to be so very careful here

who am I aligned with
who am I serving
who am I listening to
who am I submitted to

it has been said the glory of God is seen when we learn how to touch one another
there is favor on the touching this season

it is important, this touching, as one by one lives are being changed
hearts are being softened
hunger is being birthed
Jesus is being seen

all within this organization that is called church but is not church
but does contain the church yet cannot contain the church

Jesus entered our midst from within, from the womb of one of His made

if we all leave and go out how can we assist a birthing from within

I hear the 30 somethings expressing the same hungering angst I expressed years ago, even the old word paradigm has surfaced again

yes, it has been a long wait –
will I be obediently positioned and found in the right room, awake, when the wait is over

will my worship stand the test of the wait

Anna too waited a long time – and she waited in the temple

but the angst is good – just proves the tension of the Promise still holds

even in the wondering if religion has beheaded the church