dawn moments

even as a young child growing up at the water's edge

there was a yearning to be fully present during the dawn moments

and I would slip out of bed to sit at the end of the dock

in the silence during the ending of night

and the beginning of day

now some decades later

that yearning has only intensified

and I still slip out of bed to sit in silence at the end of the dock

to be fully present during the ending

and the beginning

mostly alone

coffee in hand

it remains a deep privilege

there is a sense of holiness in the hush

as the land yawns itself awake

and the mirror calm of the water ripples in its stretch

to my ears this all takes place in deep silence

but I cannot help but wonder if the silence is only in my ears

does this all take place really with a shout and joyous laughter

dancing excitement

is there an explosion of sound as light bursts the fabric of darkness

a friend recently asked why I thought Moses was told to remove his sandals

was it so that not even a thin slip of leather would separate him

from the holy Presence on the land

and as I have been pondering that

sitting on the end of the dock seemed too far removed

from the ending

and the beginning

this morning

in the fog

I slipped into the kayak to sit in the middle of the lake

to feel its awakening stretch

perhaps tomorrow I might enter into the water itself

to remove the separation of the thin slip of the kayak's skin

wisdom moments

The wedding was beautiful—the happy couple joined together in marriage, witnessed by smiling and crying family and friends in a perfect setting.
Next came the reception and the bride, glowing with joy, had just danced with her father.
And now, the tall, handsome groom had taken me into his arms for the mother-son dance.
As he hugged me tightly he said, “Mom, you look great. It doesn’t even matter that you’re wearing a wig.”
Needless to say, all of the tears I’d managed to hold back so far flooded down my face and our dance became a special moment in time that I will never forget—as memorable to me as the moment this son was born.
But, months earlier, neither of us had been so sure—my son had been quite upset when he learned I would lose all of my hair before his wedding and I’d had plenty of misgivings of my own…
As I contemplate going to Kevin’s wedding in a wig I’m feeling kind of melancholy—running my fingers through my hair, looking at my eyebrows and thinking how I will miss them.
But I must trust that there are new lessons I will learn and share with others.
Every hair on my head is numbered—each one may fall out but God will still know exactly what the current count is.
And, when it’s gone He’ll know the follicle count and the number of hairs that will grow back. He’ll know the color and the texture and just as He knitted me together in my mother’s womb, He will knit me back together again.
This whole episode shouldn’t be about how I look—it’s should be about how much glory He can receive out of my life—it should be about how much damage can be done to the enemy as I stand firm in my faith…
And yet, the idea of no hair and no eyebrows continues to nag at me—this is appearance only, so why does it bother me so much?
I imagine it’s mostly because of Kevin’s wedding, and I want to look really nice.
I don’t want him to be negatively affected by my appearance, remembering for the rest of his life whenever he looks at one of his wedding pictures that his mom had cancer…
It’s interesting that it’s the hair that spurs feelings of not being in control—apparently this is normal because one of the cancer web sites suggested shaving it off before it fell out in order to maintain a sense of control.
Is there an issue of control in my life that needs to be submitted to the Lord?
I surrender all Father—I confess my total helplessness to manage any part of this situation—take all of my scars, including the impending hair loss.
I’d like to consider them as badges of honor, signifying that You have brought me through, and that in each incidence of weakness You were strong.
May each scar and each hair that falls from my body be a reminder to me that my life is not about what I look like or how I feel—let them instead be a reminder of how great is my God…Living without fear is one thing, but how will I handle living without hair?
This won’t jut be a “bad hair day”—it’ll be a “no hair day” that lasts for many months!
What is it about hair that is so important?
How can something with such an unglamorous definition as “a filament growing out of the skin” be so significant in our lives?
Click on a television for five minutes and chances are there will be a commercial for a hair product or a hair restoration method; and of course it’ll promise wonderful, manageable results. Walk into any drug store and observe the shampoos, conditioners, gels, dyes and sprays; combs, brushes, curling irons and hair dryers; hair clips, bands and bows—on and on, aisle after aisle.
Or listen to the lyrics from the hit song from the rock musical of the same name, “Gimme a head with hair; long beautiful hair…I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy, snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty, oily, greasy, fleecy, shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen, knotted, polka-dotted, twisted, beaded, braided, powdered, flowered, and confettied, bangled, tangled, spangled, and spaghettied!
There ain't no words for the beauty, the splendor, the wonder of my...Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair…”
It’s a given that our society sees hair as vital to our lives, but what does God have to say about it?
A search revealed ninety-nine references to hair in the NIV and a similar number in most other popular versions of the Bible.
For the most part, its significance seems to be as a positive image that implies health and beauty, but hair often symbolizes larger spiritual issues as well.
How could I apply these lessons to my own experience?
Time and again I took comfort in the familiar verses of Matthew 10:29-31, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”
Another passage in Numbers 6 speaks of the treatment of hair if a man or woman wanted to make a special vow of separation to the LORD, “During the entire period of his vow of separation no razor may be used on his head. He must be holy until the period of his separation to the LORD is over; he must let the hair of his head grow long…Throughout the period of his separation he is consecrated to the LORD…Then at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting, the Nazirite must shave off the hair that he dedicated. He is to take the hair and put it in the fire that is under the sacrifice of the fellowship offering.” (verses 5,6,18,19)
By default this would be a time of separation from the world—I was just too sick and tired to go anywhere or do anything except cry out to God—so…
the only way I know how to deal with this illness is to offer it to God—right along with, I now realize, a possessiveness of my hair.
Father, I give you my hair as an offering of faith…
In prayer I felt as if I was at Jesus feet—like Mary—but instead of washing His feet with tears and drying them with my hair, all of my numbered hairs that fell out were mixed with all of my tears and presented as an offering to him.
Hair is commonly thought of as being symbolic of wisdom, so I’m offering Him all of my earthly wisdom—laying it at His feet along with all of my tears and my pain.
And, as my hair grows back, may it be representative of a new level of godly wisdom in me. Every hair that comes in will be counted, just as the ones that fell out were, and my prayer is that my new physical hair will be a physical picture of God doing a new work in my life.
My hair continues to come out—my eyebrows are almost gone.
I admit it’s hard to look at myself in the mirror sometimes.
I also admit that the upcoming 12 weeks with another round of chemo is not something I look forward to.
I can only continue this because of the certainty that the LORD is with me and He has a plan.
I honestly don’t know how people endure this treatment without God.
No wonder there’s so much fear.
But He is greater than any problem and I will continue to trust him.
I’ve been told the worst is behind me and I’ve made it through almost six months of this—another three and my hair should start coming back.
Lord, how I thank you for the bright spot of Kevin’s wedding in the midst of it all.
What grace and mercy—God’s timing is so perfect.
And He even let me keep enough eyebrows to be able to see where to pencil them in!

Barbara Parker

afterglow moments

the sun had already set
with its usual stunning manifestation of wonder
when
suddenly
the quiet calm of the approaching night
was shattered by a brilliance
that I had never seen before

all I could do was sit in awe

this was the afterglow of the sun
that had disappeared from sight

and this caused me to ponder:
after disappearing from sight
will I leave an afterglow
that will bring anyone pleasure

dying moments

there was a moment
when a spear of accusation was thrust
into a womb of incubating trust and community

although evident for months
something hidden was simmering
still
the violence was sudden
death the intent
but while yet in the crucible of pain
discernment was needed
about what must die
and who thrust the spear

God sees all
God knows all
and so
at the very least
he allowed this all to unfold

could it be that he also scripted it

could it be he chose the time
the place
the thruster
and the onlookers

did he even design and shape the spear

if so
how then to receive this dying
how to react to it

remain locked in pain and shock forever
trapped in that moment

or allow him to put to death
all that needs to die
no matter how painful
how high the hill
or how awkward the tree

and then possibly grow into the prayer
forgive them Lord
for they know what they do

and even be thankful
for the one
so chosen by God
to do the thrusting

the pain remains so great
there must still be much flesh
not yet dead

there is a learning what it means
to embrace death
to die well
moment by moment
cell by cell
as darkness gives way to light

such an experience
altars one's life
forever

free moment

our neighour called us at the lake yesterday
to say that there was water spouting high in our garden

nothing to do but drive in
to see what was happening
and it was as we suspected

one of the hoses in the pond
had sprung a leak

the water
instead of recycling through the pond
was now escaping
high into the sky
and very soon
the pond would be emptied
dry
causing the fish to die
and the pump motor overheat
and burn out

and I saw much in all this

not satisfied with simply a pond
a small body of water
I had wished for a waterfall
for the pleasing visual effect
and the comforting sound
of water kissing rocks

and so
several years ago
with the help of hoses
and a pump
a waterfall was constructed

this was not a natural falling of water
but man made
to look natural

water forced to flow
in an unnatural manner
to be pleasing to the eye
and the ear

and how many of us
over the years
have been forced to flow
in an unnatural manner
to be pleasing to an eye
and an ear

after a few seasons
the hose could no longer contain the pressure
and the water broke free

but in its breaking free
there was danger of burn out
and death

and now I struggle
with whether or not
to replace the hose
and force water to again flow
in an unnatural way
to simply bring me pleasure

knowing deep within
the pressure of constraint
the pressure of flowing
in a manner always visually acceptable

I think I would rather break free
and flow high

but first
I must take care of the fish .............

and dwell deep

shepherd moment

2 weeks ago
the shepherds of this region
gathered together
in a neutral pasture

this was a time for family
a time to serve our servants
a time for the shepherds to frolic
in the fields of the Lord

400 or so came
and played
and laughed
and cried
and danced
and sang
and ate
and ate
and ate

faces were painted
and faces were kissed

shoulders that came in heavily laden
were eased of their burden

hearts that came in crushed
started pumping again

feet that were weary
danced their way to freedom

all who were hungry
were well fed

did I mention thay ate and ate and ate

the sounds of laughter filled the air

the kids loved riding the horses
and playing in the inflated castles

the dads and the moms
simply loved being loved

there are some in our midst
who are very weary in their well doing

take a moment
and touch them
with a word of encouragement
a hug of appreciation

they are not perfect
but then
look at the state of the sheep
especially the ones with big teeth

some love to gnaw on the legs of shepherds
not to kill
just to slightly cripple them

for a few moments
2 weeks ago
in a neutral pasture
love flowed
swirled
and danced
like the multi colored balloons that floated high
free at last

and my heart soared

humility moment

humility

is the land

where God wants us to go

and offer sacrifice

abba moment

there was a monk
who kept a woman in his cell
so indiscreetly that word began to get around

some of the monks living nearby
decided to do something about it
and asked a visiting abba to go with them

the offending monk
seeing them coming
hid the woman in a large water jar

this was spotted by the abba
when they all went into the cell

the abba sat on the jar
while the others searched the room
they could find nothing
and went away ashamed

when they had gone
the abba got up
took the offending monk's hand
and simply said

"brother
pay attention to yourself"

ordinary moments

unpacking the past five days with a friend
we took many long walks
surrounded by new life
and emerging new life

but also saw

a wild rose that had been crushed under a careless foot
















and a now forever flightless butterfly after its encounter with a car tire

goodbye moment

Three days into a one week trip a few years ago,
during late fall,
at the end of a long portage in Algonquin Provincial Park,
I saw an older man sitting at the edge of the water.
As I took the canoe off my shoulders and laid it down,
he half turned and smiled a brief,
almost embarrassed smile.
I walked down,
washed my face in the cold water and sat about ten feet from him.
He was eighty-two years old.
Sitting by the lake, and later sharing a campsite,
he told me a little of his story.
This was his last time on this portage —
his favorite he said —
and his last Algonquin trip.
He had been coming here since his teens.
Now even getting in and out of a canoe was difficult.
He noticed that I had a solo canoe and asked me if I was paddling alone.
He tried to come up every year,
always alone,
and usually now in late fall when the park was empty
and the leaves a kaleidoscope of color.
And almost no bugs.
Northern lakes and rivers were a primary source of peace in his life.
He was saying good-bye after decades of foggy sunrises on remote lakes,
moose,
wolves howling and clear nights when you could see millions of stars.
I asked him if this final trip was sad for him.
No, not really.
Maybe in a week or two.
For now, he was just absorbing the beauty one last time,
creating memories to carry him through the last years of his life,
and thinking back on the memories he had accumulated.
We shared a few minutes of silence.
Then he said goodnight, got up, and went into his tent.
When I got up in the morning
he was gone.

Rod M.

treefrog moment

painted by r m

inside an open rose

a tree frog no bigger than my thumbnail

I try to imagine rest like that

tucked in such a bed of petals

I try to imagine prayer like that

listening so intently in the early light

and saying so little
B T

home moment

and when he has found it
he lays it on his shoulders
rejoicing

and when he comes home
he calls together his friends and his neighbors
saying to them
rejoice with me
for I have found my sheep that was lost (Lk. 15:5-6)

he lays the sheep on his shoulders

he does not merely carry the burden of fear the sheep might have over being lost

nor is the guilt and condemnation over wandering away the only thing the shepherd carries

he carries the sheep

having found the sheep
he does not require it to find its own way back

he carries it

the shepherd takes full responsibility for the sheep’s return
the sheep is at rest on the shepherd’s shoulders

and when he comes home….
this is an amazing statement
the ninety-nine sheep are still in the wilderness
but the one that was lost is at home
with the shepherd

risk moment

to dare is to risk losing your foothold for a moment
not to dare is to risk losing yourself
Soren Kierkegaard

culvert moments

over the last few weeks
we have noted that the water level in the lake
has been abnormally high
docks floating off their moorings
shoreline eroded
duck nests flooded killing some young
damp areas now swamps

while exploring the cause
it was noted that a culvert
at the end of the lake
the only outlet for the lake
had been deliberately blocked
by means of two steel rods
holding in place four carefully cut to size boards
effectively preventing any water from leaving the lake

three boards were quickly and easily removed
allowing the water to rush through the culvert
and down into the next lake

the water fell by about an inch
in twenty-four hours

at the suggestion of conservation authorities
two of the boards were then replaced
still allowing a healthy flow
but preventing the water level
from dropping too fast and thus
interfering with spawning fish

the next day upon checking
it was noted that now all boards had been removed
and taken away

water was roaring through unimpeded

who put the boards in

who took them out

and why

all this made me think of our lives
and the life of our ministries

we live on a beautiful small hidden lake
obviously some were not satisfied
with the way God created this lake
and took it upon themselves to alter it
to suit their purposes

someone wanted the water higher
someone else wanted the water lower

and is this not a picture of so many
not satisfied with God's design
we mess around
placing barriers to block the flow of the Spirit

or sometimes
allowing such a rush of the Spirit through us
that those around are damaged

spawning fish killed

newly hatched flooded

tender shoots drowned

there is a natural order to things
a natural flow of the Spirit
that must be honored
nurtured
and respected

how is your culvert working

waterfall moments

while walking the road
I could hear rushing falling water

following the sound
deep into the woods
I suddenly came across
a hidden cascading waterfall

some of God's most amazing wonders are hidden from most eyes
while they simply carry on doing
what they have been designed to do

I know some people like this ............

emerging moments

captured emerging process
with emptied shell left behind

I was struck at the fragility of the process
one touch would introduce death

we need to be that respectful of one another
sheltering
but not touching
during the emerging

rhythm moments

I leave to lie on the beach
to become like the beach
bare
open
empty
erased by today's sun and sand of all yesterdays
empty
open
lullaby-ed by the water's rhythms
outward and inner man one
to find the rhythm between solitude
and communion
between retreat and return

my life has too little empty space
so few empty hours in my day
so few empty rooms in my life
in which to stand alone and find myself

there is a wilderness in the mind
and desert wastes in the heart
through which one can wander lost
a stranger to oneself and others

out of touch with myself
I cannot touch others
so even when shaking hands with a friend
a wilderness can be felt stretching between

only when connected to our core
are we connected to others

and yet
so many have a fear of being alone
they never let it happen
always filling the void with noise

and when the noise stops
there is no inner music to take its place

we must re-learn to be alone

and so
I return to the beach
to lie on the beach
and become one with the beach
bare
open
empty
in touch with myself

choosing moments

a tender heart
finds its roots
in the soil of suffering

when suffering
a path must be found through it

one path is the way of a hardened heart
a path that closes me off from someone else
and from God

to choose a gentle path
of being pressed into brokenness
is a radical act
with roots that know the fragility
and strength of my soil

this path will root
in the earth of me

it is on this path
where on my knees
I will grow
as I wait before Him
till the dust settles
and the stream runs clear

God gently approaches the soul
as the dew on the flowers

dwelling moments

what is pain
but a place of emptiness
where one feels sharply
the absence of love

it is necessary to own pain
and trust it will not always be there

pain puts us in touch
with our own heart
with its undercurrent of anguish

we must tell our story
from a place where it no longer dominates
and suffer our sorrow standing

when we are where God wants us to be
He holds us safe
and gives peace
even in the pain

it is a time to dwell deep

afterall
to be hidden in Christ
Who is hidden in God
is to dwell at the source of all things

but to be completely hidden
there must be a complete death

dwell deep

dawn moment

Death is not the lamp that is extinguished

It is the coming of dawn

Tagore