goodbye moment

Norm died last Thursday
shortly after one

closed his eyes one final time
and found his peace

his lungs so filled with cancer
no room left for air
he stopped trying
and entered rest

he was a good friend

I loved his laugh
and his twinkling eyes

he would not speak
of his beginnings
but his ending was magnificent

never complaining
never expressing sorrow

simply trusting
in this man Jesus
whom he had come to know
later in his life

and now there is this hole
to be filled with memories
and love

today
on the altar
a dark green marble urn
contained the ashes of his body
but was way too small to ever contain his heart

he did have a false leg
but he was completely real

his chair will sit empty
on Tuesday mornings

the knowing of Norm has been very good

I am not sad
just a little lonely

new moment

if you listen
to the smallest flower
growing from a crack
in your heart
you will hear
a great song

heart moments

blogging is weird
words are put "out there"
anyone can read and comment

or not

and those who read
can read with a tender heart
or with mocking, derisive eyes

and you know that when you post
and yet .........

and for me
the words
are not just words

they are little pieces of me
little pieces of my heart

my ponderings
wonderings
wanderings

are

me

and it is a little frightening
to realize
these pieces
of me
might not be touched with hands
that are always clean

these little pieces
of me
can easily be tossed away
mocked
stomped upon

and
in the knowing
that more and more
have discovered
and are reading
my heart renderings

there is a wondering
about continuing

and yet

it is a blog

and it is out there
and I am the one who puts it out there

and as I pondered all these things yesterday

this lovely young woman came to my door

we have been meeting weekly for nine months now
to pray
and share
and learn
of each other
and of Jesus

I had early become aware
that when she was very young
her mom had died

and yesterday
she cried
sharing that
she had always wanted to have a mom

she held my hands
and asked
if I would be her mom

and I thought of what she asked
and how she asked
and why she asked

and how brave she was to ask

and I thought of the choices I had

and all of a sudden
blogging
was not so fearful

friends moment

sometimes sorrow overwhelms us and it is hard to find joy
life seems a cup
filled to the brim
with loneliness and disappointments
and this is when our friends remind us
that crushed grapes can produce tasty wine

friends
gifts from God
sign posts on our journey towards His unlimited and unconditional love

friendships create a beautiful tapestry of love
and I am deeply blessed to be warmed and sheltered within a circle of friends

we gardened together yesterday

dug weeds
and planted seeds

both in the garden behind my friend's home
and in the garden of one another's hearts

we sat on the rocks
and sang to our God

we laughed
we cried

there were hugs
and there were challenges

the love we have for one another
wove even tighter
so tight
at times
it is hard to see where one strand ends
and another begins
in this tapestry
of friendship

ending moments

there is something so sad
and lonely
this particular season

having already realized
as we are no longer in town on weekends
it is no longer possible
to have our Sunday 'round the table gatherings

that has ended

the seven year season in our church fellowship
has come to an end

and then last evening
as our house group met here
we discussed
which Monday night would be our last
for the season

and my heart cries
why all the endings???

this is spring
a season of beginnings
of new life

why is everything ending?

and I can only live in the hope
that seeds are simply going dormant
resting
to bloom again in October

perhaps I will experience my spring
in the fall

alone
on my knees
this early morning
I listen and watch
for the One who has promised to be with me
through this particular fog

a thump moment

this was very much to be a doing weekend
but I took a moment
during the very early morning of Sunday
just to be

with coffee in hand
I slipped away to the dock

there was a heavy foggy mist
blanketing everything in its hush

the air was crisp
the water perfectly still

the steam from my coffee
mingled with and became lost in the fog

it was lovely just to sit
just to be

suddenly
there was a heavy thump beside me
a heron had silently arrived
and now stood quietly at my side

and I thought about my Jesus
about how He silently arrives
to stand quietly at our side

the fog of the circumstances might not change
but there is such comfort
in the knowing
there is One quietly standing at your side

and I thought about the weight of His Presence

there are times
you just know
He is with you

and there are times
you actually feel the weight of His Presence

the thump of the landing heron
I did not see or hear him coming
he said not a word
and never moved

but the thump let me know he was beside me
and together we waited for the dawn
and the warmth of the sun

and only when the fog had lifted
and everything was filled with light
did he leave

beginning moment

it was nine years ago this day
at this very moment
that my mom finally found her rest

and life

birthed into a second marriage
rare in those days
shunned by relatives
at fifteen her dad dying
at sixteen her mom dying

taken in as a "charity case"
my mom served her aunt and cousins
doing the menial things required

eventually marrying
and birthing her own children
alone through the years of War
and remaining alone after the War
as my dad returned
but with a changed heart

alcohol entered in
to deaden and hopefully numb
the pain of being alone

alcohol gained control
but never did succeed in filling the emptiness

it was only as the end neared
and my mom knew it was near
that she reached for Jesus

and it was only Jesus
who was able to fill that hole

she allowed me in those final weeks
to touch her
and I held her in my arms
as she died

singing to her
the words of a child's song

Jesus loves me this I know

she rested
and entered into Peace

to live
for the first time
in freedom

and I am so thankful
for the arms that hold her now

whispering moment

it was a low whispering in the wind
that brought me to my knees

with the gulls screaming overhead
I dared to release what was within

fingers of the crashing waves reached to capture my cries
as they flew across the water’s surface

fueled by pain
bent over in agony
I cried to my God

and the whispering
wrapped around me
sheltered me
hid me

emptied finally of grief
I found rest
in the low whispering of the wind

and His voice
enclosed me
with peace

another Sunday moment

because of the holiday
and most having family around
we decided to forgo our community coming together
'round the table

and yet
somehow it would not seem the same
without many faces
and many voices

often we do not bring the wounded and broken
into our midst
because that necessitates confronting
our own wounds
our own brokenness

so I asked the One
who has marked my path
to tell me who I should invite
to point me towards the ones who would be alone
the ones overlooked

and I was surprised
and even a little hesitant
thinking
surely they of all people will be surrounded
by those who care for them

and yet
I had asked
and so now chose to obey

and in hearing the tenderness of the tears
that fell unbidden as I called
I knew I had asked the right ones

and so
this man
and his wife
this couple who serve so faithfully
this couple who pour into others
this couple who provide for many
this couple who live to worship

it was this couple who came to our table
it turned out
this couple have no family

they serve and live in the middle of a community
that is exploding in numbers
and yet
they live hidden
in this community

hiding their loneliness
in their service

and so in a moment
we became family

we ate
we laughed
we cried
we touched
we sang

as the sun set
we shared communion with each other

and it was an Easter Sunday dinner
moment
that I will always treasure

VERITAS

resurrection moment

there was a moment

as the horizon ate the sun

on the Friday

Jesus was taken down from the cross

and Mary held God in her arms

and there was a moment

as dawn was birthed through

her horizon of grief

Mary saw the empty tomb

on the Sunday

and she knew ..............

remembering moment

Wednesday moments

while in the foot clinic yesterday
I had the tender privilege
of meeting yet another one of God's lost daughters

this 14 year-old
pregnant
ill
alone

dressed
so that on the outside
she screams
tough
stay away
don't touch

while on the inside
screaming
love me
please please please
someone love me

she allowed me to touch her

to wash her feet
and while pouring oil and ointment
into the open wounds
I was thinking of the One
who desires to pour Himself
into the wounds of this fragile child

and while wrapping her sores
I told her quietly of He who seeks
to wrap her in His love

and she was yet not able to believe
He could love her
in the midst of the things of her life
but I told her
He is simply waiting for her to say
yes .........

and as I left her
my heart was heavy
in the thinking of her
struggling to survive on the streets

and yet ........
He knows

and it is spring
the season when seeds sown
start to sprout

and then

at home

as I was reading and listing the pledges

of those who have agreed to support me

in this 60K walk

concerning cancer

I thought of cancer

the cancer that invades the body

and the cancer that invades the soul

both usually invisible

at the beginning

one

when discovered

man attempts to cure

with radiation

and/or poisons

attempting to kill the cancer

but keep you alive

all while bringing you to the very edge of death

and the other cancer

also usually hidden

at the beginning

this cancer of sin

that invades the soul

man cannot cure another of this one

although it too brings you to the edge of death

and I think of Jesus

struggling up that final hill

with the weight of the cross

on His shoulder

and the weight of sin

the stench of its death

that nailed Him to the cross

and His

IT IS FINISHED

and I pray

for all the tender shoots

for all the scattered seeds

I pray this is the season

this will be the spring

when the dying

will accept life

Monday night moment

last evening was our home fellowship night
and we decided to do something
just a little different

there was coffee
(well, after all it is my house -
there must be coffee!)

but no desserts

the house was quiet
lights dimmed
candles lit

bread and wine were set out on the table

everyone was encouraged to ponder
not only the cross
but all the events that led up to the cross

hearts were expressed
sometimes a single word
sometimes a soft song
sometimes tears
sometimes deep silence

when ready
each one drew closer to the table
and shared the meal with Jesus

after everyone had taken
of the bread and the wine

we washed one another's feet
with words of blessing

and anointed Jesus anew
with the aroma of words of love
and gratitude
and submission
and obedience
and awe

and after several hours
everyone went back to their own homes
having decided to come back together
on Friday
and again on Saturday
when some of us will watch through the night
awaiting together the dawn of Easter Sunday

day forty moment

the disciples had seen the strong hands of God
twist the crown of thorns
into a crown of glory
and in hands as strong as that
they knew they were safe

"I have seen the Lord"
John 20:18

as the Sabbath ends
the women begin their preparations
at dawn
they hurry to the tomb

soldiers stand on guard

suddenly the ground begins to shake
as an angel moves away the stone

the soldiers rush inside
only to find the tomb empty

the women arrive
find the soldiers gone
and the tomb opened

two angels speak
"He is not here"
and the women race back to call the disciples

John
the first to arrive
looks
but does not enter

Peter pushes inside
only to find empty linen cloths
faith begins to arise
as he remembers the words of Jesus

Mary can only weep
until she hears her name

only one person ever spoke her name that way

and she tells the others

"I have seen the Lord"

today I wait at the foot of the cross
listening for Him to say my name
so I may kiss his nail scarred feet
touch his wounded side
and hold his battered hands

when I too may say

I have seen the Lord

suddenly moments

there is a suddenly of God
that can interrupt your life
cause eyes to open wider
and ears to hear with a raw acuteness

and yesterday
was a suddenly

from dawn to dusk

there was a suddenly
in the realization of where I was yesterday
physically
spiritually
and emotionally

worshiping God
Who is the Same
Yesterday
Today
and Forever

surrounded by many familiar faces
singing many familiar words

and yet .............

there was such a huge difference
and it was very very painful
in the realization of an ending

there was a suddenly
in the hearing
someone I care for
describe himelf by what he presently is doing
in order to put food on the table

and I looked and looked
and wondered why what I still see
is not what he is saying

and there was a suddenly
in seeing and feeling the anger and dislike
in a woman where I had never seen it before

and the suddenly of the tears
at receiving the "where were you?" phone call

and the suddenly of arriving home
to find everyone else here
around the table
and realizing the depth of love
that I have to give
but also am able to receive

and then another phone call
this one to announce a sudden death
the husband of a friend
driving home
after church
and suddenly his heart stopped
while his hands were on the steering wheel

and yet another suddenly
in the middle of the night
while feeling the Hand of God
on my cheek
hearing His whisper
asking me to be awake with Him

and the sudden gushing of the tears
that even at this moment
will not stop

and even in the knowing
there is the need to pull it together
in order to serve well the one who is about to arrive
there is a sudden urge
to simply fall on my face
and be

day thirty-nine moment

no where do I feel so inclined
to take the shoes from my feet
as when I am near the cross

the tomb is dark
the earth is cool
the aroma of spices fills the air

the setting sun ushers in a High Holy Day
a day of forced rest
with time for quietness and reflection

this Sabbath day is kept holy
and there are those who mourn deeply

the small group of women
consumed with sadness

the men who followed Christ
grieve together

Pilate
weary after a night dreaming of blood

Caiaphas
worried someone would steal the body
sends soldiers to guard the tomb

and all the while
the Lord of the Sabbath
crashes through the gates of hell
to proclaim victory over sin and death

how many Lord
embrace the dance of death
while You declare life

how I long to live in the realm where You move and work
though hope seems sealed up in a tomb

day thirty-eight moment

"all your garments are fragrant with myrrh and aloes"
Psalm 45:8

Joseph carries the body
tightly wrapped in white linen
down Golgotha
raising the question of
why a religious leader
would become unclean
by touching a dead body

the two Marys follow

everyone else has disappeared

Joseph brings the body into the garden
and through an opening carved in the rocky hillside
where no corpse has ever laid

the two women watch
as Jesus body is placed on a stone bench
only leaving when the sky darkens

Joseph removes the linen
and washes the body of this man Jesus
preparing it for burial

Nicodemus
shamed in remembering his silence
when he could have made a difference by speaking up
brings jars of myrrh and aloes

side by side
Nicodemus and Joseph
alternate wrapping the body with strips of cloth
sprinkling the powered spices over it
leaving only the head and face exposed

a small cloth saturated with spices
is now placed over Jesus' face

it is done

the stone is rolled into place

the Son of Man who never had a place to lay his head
now rests in a rich man's grave

as families light the evening candles and pray
the body that once held the light of the world
lies in a cold dark cave

and how I long to anoint Him now
with the aromatic spices of words of love
as I learn to hear Him in the echoes of silence

day thirty-seven moment

"Joseph took the body
and wrapped it
in a clean linen cloth"
Matt 27:59

Pilate sips his wine
in Fortress Antonia

Joseph of Arimathea
interrupts
to ask for the body
of this man Jesus
wishing to prepare it for burial

what compelled Joseph to do such a thing
what made him take such a risk
why didn't he speak up at the trial
does he believe Jesus is the Messiah
or is he simply doing his duty
burying the dead before sundown

and the body

covered in flies
crows circling and cawing above

the nail
in his feet
forced out

the crossbeam
lifted off the stipe
and placed on the ground

the nails
from the wrists
forced out

Joseph kneels down
and rolls the body
of this man Jesus
onto his newly purchased white cloth

not allowed to approach Joseph
the women watch
and wait

this day of death is coming to an end
the bruised and battered body
once a beautiful baby
the son of God
full of life
now lifeless
cold
wrapped tightly in white linen

day thirty-six moment

"Stand at the foot of the cross
and count the purple drops
by which you have been cleansed,
see the thorn crown
mark his scourged shoulders
still gushing with encrimsoned rills .........
and if you do not lie prostrate on the ground
before that cross
you have never seen it."
Charles Spurgeon

Jesus' blood
a sign over me
a gift of his lavish grace
so that I may escape terrible judgment
and have new life

"............redeemed .............with precious blood
as of a lamb unblemished and spotless
the blood of Christ"
1 Peter 1:19

almost sundown
Jesus seems shrouded in death
but is he?

Caiaphas requests of Pilate
permission to break the bones

whack
and the one on the right dies

whack
and the one on the left dies

and the One in the middle
has his heart pierced

blood
water
gush out

causing some to say
this man Jesus died of a broken heart
and others remember
how he had claimed to be living water
if they would believe

and on a hill
outside Jerusalem
only a few witness
the enigma of blood and water
flowing like a fountain
from the side of a carpenter
from Nazareth

I mourn my part in his death
this One whose heart I pierced with my sin
and plunge deep into his open side
that flows with water and blood
to feel his heart break
with the indifference
the rebellion
the control
the disregard
in us all

wash me Lord