struggling moment

once tasting and then forever after desiring sobornost

a restlessness grows within

a continual looking

a holy dissatisfaction

a wondering

in the seeking the path where there is no trail

and discovering once again

the importance of being whole

the necessity of packing light for the journey

taking the time to forgive

and seek forgiveness

to listen

to touch

to discern

drawing very close to the One

whose footsteps lead the way

there is a wounding that can come in deep disappointment

there is a sadness in the wondering why

and to be completely honest

some fear in the thought of even trying again

and in the angst of all this

I am reminded:

"When we have been wounded by the church,

our temptation is to reject it.

But when we reject the church

it becomes very hard for us to keep in touch with the living Christ.

When we say, "I love Jesus, but I hate the church,"

we end up losing not only the church but Jesus too.

The challenge is to forgive the church.

This challenge is especially great because the church seldom asks us for forgiveness,

at least not officially.

But the church as an often fallible human organization needs our forgiveness,

while the church as the living Christ among us continues to offer us forgiveness.

It is important to think about the church not as "over there"

but as a community of struggling, weak people of whom we are part

and in whom we meet our Lord and Redeemer. "

Henri Nouwen

and a wondering if

it is I who must offer forgiveness

to the church

for having unfair expectations

of the church

but

if it were not possible

why would Jesus cry for it

and my heart is filled with the salt of His tears