toe stubbing moment

Lent

usually a time of giving something up

already committed to a 40 day fast

I have been pondering the giving something up
and have come to the conclusion that it will not be a giving up

but more an allowing to happen that has been chosen for me this season

and in that allowing to happen

there will be a giving up

it is interesting that this is the season that is centered around the cross
a season where there must be death
before there can be life

a season when Jesus laid down His will
for the will of Another

there is a particularly unpleasant jarring jabbing pain in the stubbing of a toe

and for a few years now I have been stubbing the toe of my heart

against a door that is trying to shut

I believe it is time for me to remove my toe and allow the door to close

I have not been enjoying the pain

but until now have felt the pain of a stubbed toe

was preferable to the pain of the closed door

there is a fearful wondering in my heart how the sound will feel as the click is heard
in the knowing that it is pressure against a door
a deliberate action
that causes the shutting

there is a whooshing, a pushing of air, as a door is shut
I must carefully position my heart so that I will not stumble or fall in the whoosh

but I am tired of stubbing my toe

one walks with a limp with an injured toe
making it difficult to keep balanced
making it easy to lose sight of the path
because all attention is focused on the pain of the injury

I am tired of stubbing my toe

the pain of it has become too familiar